OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / Straight mans 1st post

**Posted by Clif** July 17, 2020 7:47 am

Hi Jonathan,
Sorry you have to be here btw.
I was married to my wife for 27 years. We had always had good sex it seemed.
She came from a very catholic family. In hindsight she tried very hard to pray away the gay. When she figured out that this method did not work she dove in to weed and alcohol.
In the last year before she left she was dropping hints about her lesbian thoughts. Then outright comments.
It has been ten years since we divorced and she now lives on the other side of the country with her wife.
Can't say as I miss the drama and the headaches.
Good luck and stay strong.

Last edited by Clif (July 17, 2020 7:47 am)

**Posted by Jonathan** July 17, 2020 9:44 am

Thank you all for your support and concern. Not sure where I would be without it. My wife and I have not communicated in about 36 hours. It’s hard but I know for the best. How do I go about communicating with particularly helpful members that isn’t public

**Posted by Jonathan** July 17, 2020 1:55 pm

Well this. Shit sandwich just got juicier. My wife’s family some from far away assembled at her brothers house preparing for a vacation in Maine. Each got a COVID test as to not have to spend the entire time in quarantine. Wife confided with Her sister in-law only. Lots of crying,hugging close talking. Anyone got a guess? Sister in-law got a positive result. Glad to say the thought of bringing her home was fleeting at best. If she can get a test today, results are 7-10 days out. The state has already been in touch through contact tracing, not that she would have risked anyone’s health regardless.
Hard to imagine feeling the way I (and I’m sure she) feels trapped alone at the super 8 by the airport.
I know her problems are not mine, but this is next level shit. I’m a little worried about her mental and physical safety.

**Posted by lily** July 17, 2020 5:41 pm

sorry to hear that Jonathan. It must be pretty scary for her right now, it must feel for both of you like everything familiar is being torn away.

Just to add to the sandwich - gay doesn't come from an intervention of the tooth fairy, it comes the same all the rest of you does - growing up so intimately interwoven into the shadow of the closet can't be easy.

And yet my sense of things is that we are very resilient and survive our childhoods well but what comes next is the thing - from my own experience an honest loving parent is pure gold for all your life. Not everyone gets even one like that.

Hope everything goes well, Lily

Last edited by lily (July 17, 2020 6:23 pm)

**Posted by Whirligig** July 18, 2020 1:13 am

It's pretty normal to still have concern for people we love even when they hurt us. If it were easy to detach from the love we felt we probably wouldn't end up here looking for support. I still have moments of grief but I can't sacrifice myself for someone who wouldn't do the same.

I think of it in terms of consequences. We 'all' deal with things we can't control and make decisions and then have to deal with the consequence of those decisions. No one else can do that for us. And you can't do that for her either. You can't fix her or this situation. Perhaps facing her consequences would actually benefit her. There is a saying, 'You are free to choose, but you are not free from the consequence of your choice'.

For your children's sake and your sake as a compassionate person, I hope she recovers, but you are allowed to detach from someone who isn't healthy for you. It might be a good idea to find someone that you yourself can talk to for support. A friend, a counselor, or a family member who centers your feelings over her feelings. You aren't a bit part player in her dramas (and there seem to be a lot). You matter too and so do your children. Healthy boundaries are a good thing.