Posted by Whirligig  June 16, 2020 4:46 pm | #21 |
Unfortunately, I think using straight spouses as unknowing surrogates is very common and an uncomfortable truth many in the gay community (however you might define that) don't want to address. Surrogacy and the issues surrounding that are often described in terms of being a reproductive 'right' for gay men rather than a human rights issue for women. I think this happens with straight male spouses as well being used as donors without their consent either. Although I imagine a surrogate is harder to come by than sperm donation. Straights become a means to an end and then discarded or used as beards or both. I will add that I'm sure there are ethical people who would never do this but cynically think it's probably easier to dupe someone into having your child than paying lots of money to pursue surrogacy (with it's own dicey ethics), a potentially difficult adoption, or accepting you are unable to have children in a same sex relationship. It's depressing to think you might have been considered a commodity instead of a person. It doesn't surprise me at all that your fiance did this. That he admitted to it does. I think you had a lucky escape but it's still horrible. I'm sorry. The layers of deceit and betrayal are truly mindbending with this stuff? Who does that?!
|
Posted by OneDayAtATime June 19, 2020 11:45 am | #22 |
There’s also this thing called future-faking that narcissists do. When I first met my husband, I had a boyfriend. But my future husband would constantly tell me the boyfriend wasn’t treating me right, if HE was my boyfriend he would talk and listen to me... when I was upset he took the day off work to spend time with me and tell me how much better he would treat me. He talked a TON about what wonderful parents we would be together. It was very weird. But he did it because he knew I loved kids, and my 18 yr old boyfriend wasn’t at all ready to marry 17 yr old me and certainly didn’t want kids yet. But being young and naive, I thought this 25 yr old guy was so sweet and sincere. He painted such a picture of us happily parenting together, and he worked so hard at being my best friend.
21 years and five kids later, we are horrible parents together. He has treated me worse than I would treat my worst enemy. My oldest has all of his anxiety and depression issues, he has all of the kids addicted to video games, and for the last 8 years he’s had me so emotionally (and sexually and psychologically) abused it’s really stolen so much from our kids. It’s taking YEARS to get ready to leave him.
It’s awesome you got out after “just” a year. But that’s a long time in itself, and the pain and personal devastation is still off the charts. At one point I had a forced 7 month relationship with an extreme narcissist, possibly psychopath, who genuinely enjoyed hurting, manipulating and cheating on me. It was hell. I simultaneously thought I needed him and was being cruelly hurt. I had never been “loved” like that before. But the thing that got me through was taking all of the good things and doing them for myself. I can always love and take care of myself, no one can take that away from me. I would do things like buy myself a coffee or smoothie when I run errands, or little present at the store. Thinking a nice compliment to myself, as cheesy as that sounds would help haha. Getting a super soft blanket, making a special snack and watching a show. Hanging out with friends who have no ulterior motives is good, too, once we can do that.
The most important thing is that you realize and KNOW that you are an awesome, super loving person, who deserves the best. Your own company is far better than some snake who is lying to you. There are good and wonderful people out there, but some of the worst are attracted to people like all of us... people who are kind, compassionate and understanding.
Page: