Posted by Jlynn617  April 22, 2020 10:01 am | #1 |
Okay so we have been married over 10 years, we each have a child that we came into our marriage (15 year old and 11 year old) with and a 2 year old that is ours together. He told me a week ago that he wants to be a female and wants to start HRT right away. He says that he's been feeling this way since he was a teenager but due to a not so great stepdad, joining the military, marrying his first wife and family expectations he has just stayed quiet. We have been through a lot and even had a time where we were separated for a few months and ended up coming back even stronger. Since his admission to his feelings he has been a completely different person, he doesn't seem as depressed, he's much more active in the bedroom (due to health reasons he has nerve damage so he has had ED for over 3 years and we haven't had traditional sex in that time - we did recently try another type of medication that was too painful and didn't work) and he just seems more "himself" around me. I have always been an ALLY and in fact our daughter identifies as a lesbian so none of this is new. What I guess I need help with is making sure that I don't fall out of love with him as he becomes my wife instead of my husband. I have always been straight as far as I know and I don't want to lose him because he is my best friend and I love him.
I feel like the discussion about him starting HRT and eventually having SRS comes naturally to me and I am honestly not as freaked out about it as I thought I would be. The first hour after he told me, yes, I mentally freaked out and basically felt like I had just lost my entire identity as well. However, as time has progressed, I feel like it's something I can embrace rather than run from. Honestly I don't even think I am looking for much advice here but just needing a safe space to just get all of this out of my head and figure out a way help the transition and still be true to me as well.
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Posted by OneDayAtATime April 22, 2020 3:14 pm | #2 |
Hi Jlynn!
Welcome!
It sounds like you’re a very loving and supportive person. Is your spouse considering how you must feel during all this?
For a brief period of time, my husband was actually being honest, eagerly explaining how he hates being a man and would love to be a woman. He was obsessed with only his feelings, and I absolutely would not bring up my own feelings because I only want to be supportive. He’s been depressed and miserable his whole life, and I wanted him to be happy at any cost.
The problem for me was that I did end up paying every cost. And then I realized it was costing too much. There just wasn’t anything reciprocal about the love I felt for him. (I say him because he has since then hopped back into the deepest corner of his closet.) I have always been the one to sacrifice for him and he never even considered what it cost me. It was so painful to have him take me to Victoria Secrets to buy himself armfuls of panties and nighties, when I had been wearing the same old cotton things from Walmart for years and years. Never once in 21 years has he bought me a sexy nightie, but then he was begging me to buy some for him, and telling me he was going to sleep in them secretly every night. So these instances, and many, many others, showed me that my love and support of him was not reciprocal. He just didn’t feel it towards me at all.
Being married to someone who you don’t find attractive is really, really hard. My husband was never attracted to me like a man usually is for a woman he loves. And now that I know him fully, I can be a friend and care about him, but that strong romantic love just isn’t there. He has severely emotionally abused me in many ways as well, so there is that factor, but after years and years of being lonely and feeling unwanted and ugly (I’m not) I no longer have any attraction towards him or anything he could offer me.
Is your spouse making you feel like you are important? I know that a person becoming their true self is extremely important, but it does come at a cost. It’s not fair to feel obligated to stay with the original contract of marriage when one of the parties is completely changing. You always have the option of divorcing and becoming your former spouse’s best friend, so you can be free to pursue a relationship with a man, and not compromise your self to actualize your spouse’s self.
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Posted by Jlynn617 April 22, 2020 3:34 pm | #3 |
Yes, actually he has been making sure all along that I am doing what is best for me as well. He has even stated that if it's a deal breaker he would shove everything back in the box it came out of and forget it because he loves me enough that my happiness is more important to him. Basically we have come to the agreement that I will always love him, I will always be his/her best friend and that won't ever change. However, I have stated that I can't make a guarantee of always being married to him or attracted to him because I can't know what I don't know. I don't want to be the one that makes him live a lie and he knows that I won't tell him a hard no to it but that we have to do this gradually not jump off the deep end feet first with no warning.
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Posted by OneDayAtATime April 25, 2020 9:18 am | #4 |
Jlynn,
Wow that sounds really promising. I know it’s still a huge deal, and it’s like a loss you have to grieve, but if you both are going into it with empathy for the other one and the goal of love and friendship at least, I’m super hopeful that it will be an overall positive thing in both your lives.
Thank you for sharing, I’m encouraged to hear of a marriage where both spouses are being so thoughtful of each other.
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Posted by OutofHisCloset April 25, 2020 3:03 pm | #5 |
JLynn,
I want to comment on these things you've said:
"Basically we have come to the agreement that I will always love him, I will always be his/her best friend and that won't ever change."
What about you? Has he come to the agreement that he will always love YOU? It is not uncommon for men who are transitioning to become self involved to the exclusion of others.
"However, I have stated that I can't make a guarantee of always being married to him or attracted to him because I can't know what I don't know."
Living under the shadow of contingency is very difficult. My trans identified ex was always changing his mind on what he wanted and how far he wanted to go, and that made it impossible for me to make decisions about my life and my actions except in reaction. I couldn't be proactive only reactive, and there was no firm ground for me to stand on. I was not in control of the conditions of my own life. The pressure--internal and external--will mount higher and higher for you to remain and accept as he goes farther and farther with his changes. You will feel all the pull of "sunk costs" (what you've already put in) as well the pressure from him (his emotional needs will skyrocket at the same time his empathy for you tanks--transition takes 100% + of their attention). It will be helpful for you to have a very clear plan for what you will do and how you will split your assets and life if you discover that you do not wish to be married to him after he's feminized himself, and he needs to be on board with that. Feminizing is EXPENSIVE: hormones, doctor's appointments, clothings (they develop an appetite for shopping), surgeries, hair removal, etc, etc. Is that coming from joint funds? Will he be expected to reimburse you for those costs if you split?
"I don't want to be the one that makes him live a lie and he knows that I won't tell him a hard no to it but that we have to do this gradually not jump off the deep end feet first with no warning."
Ah, the illusion of control. You cannot set yourself up to be the transition police. You can tell him or not tell him, but I can tell you that he will do what he wants at his pace whether he has agreed to consult you or not. You are looking at this as "we have to do this" but HE is doing the transitioning, and you are merely going along for--or not--the ride.
