OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / An Affair?

**Posted by Nc_mtn** April 7, 2020 4:26 am

I'm too numb to fully search this site. So please forgive me. 17.5 years, 4 kids, and my wife came clean Sunday night. I'm saying sunday because I'm confused when this even is. I've slept 3 hours max. Tried drowning my sorrows with a bottle of rum. Realized that's not me, never was. Tossed out the beer. I'm not going down that road. Our kids are at family members houses right now, safe. They dont know why other than we're having marriage issues. I'm going to see a therapist today for the first time. I just dont know what to ask. What to say. What to think. My wife works 2nd shift and that's where she fell in love with a friend. She's assured me there hasnt been anything physical between them. But I'm still feeling emotionally she's had an affair. Is that what this was/is? She's stayed tonight with another work friend and will get a hotel room for a few days she said. Is that ok? I want her home. But I don't. I want to hate her but I can't. Long story is financially we cant afford 2 lives right now. I'll finish a degree in Dec and will hopefully be able to afford a new life. Do we pretend for 9 more months? Do I ask her to not stay away the next few nights?She's confused and exhausted herself and I know that but she's not telling me much, except that she doesn't want to loose me or the kids. Well how is there a me? I don't know, for the first time in my life, who me is. I was always a confident man. My marriage, a husband, was how I defined myself. Is it ok to want her to stay, as a roommate, and best friend? I don't know what to do.

**Posted by Rob** April 7, 2020 6:05 am

NC,

You are in shock. Read the first aid kit here.

You've taken good first steps..but my advice would be to slow down..maintain status quo. Painful roommates for awhile..sure..but you did not do any of this. Continue building your support system.
Do not be afraid to seek medical help to get through this..ie..antidepressants etc help you function for the kids.. I found alcohol only had a short lived calming effect..not that helpful for functioning day to day. The kids need a strong fierce dad ..at least a functioning dad..
Dig deep for who you are. But don't let her make you think you are a bad husband or father. Those are part of who we are. I was a damn good husband and I'm a good father..my kids get all the fierce benefits of the father part now.
My plan during the affair was main tain who i was..follow all my routines, gather support..

**Posted by OutofHisCloset** April 7, 2020 7:22 am

One of your resources at this time as you wrestle with your feelings and your options should be Chump Lady. com. It's for those who discover their spouses are having affairs--and an "emotional affair" counts as an affair.

**Posted by Nc_mtn** April 7, 2020 7:24 am

Thanks Rob.... It helps. I had those same thoughts last night. I have been questioning myself and who I am for a few months. Thats why I'm not shocked she told me, but still upset/mad/angry, But I feel guilty for thinking that too. I love her. She is/was my best friend. I don't want to loose that too. But I don't know, can we have that? Should we?

I like things fixed now, not later. I know it doens't work that way... You are giving me hope though thanks

**Posted by lily** April 7, 2020 4:37 pm

Hi NC,

The key to this whole mess is you love her. And now you have to ask yourself how come I am loving someone who could court my love when she never really loved me, who could marry me, raise a family with me when she has her eye on the girls.

And then of course you have to ask - what kind of a friend is that?

Unfortunately the next question is even worse - do you think she really will become a good friend in the future?

In my case I wondered if now I knew his secret things would be better between us and we could be friends but it didn't work out like that and I am happy for that, I don't want to be friends but however it works out first things first - at the moment you're still married.

Like Rob says, it's your strong love and you can stand your ground - take the step you can see in front of you and it really does get easier with time.

wishing you all the best, Lily

**Posted by Nc_mtn** April 7, 2020 9:38 pm

Thank you all. I'm feeling good, this hour. I have peace at the very moment. I've slept maybe 4-5 hours total since Sunday. I feel like I can sleep some tonight.

**Posted by OneDayAtATime** April 11, 2020 11:28 pm

How is it going, NC?

**Posted by Nc_mtn** April 27, 2020 8:52 pm

Sorry, it's been a rollercoaster and coming back to read things are hard. We're working on a friendship. Trying to redefine what "family " means to us. We have 4 kids together. She told me that for now she needs to be "with her". That's crushed me but I'm glad I heard what I was afraid to admit. I think we can still be really good friends. And I think I'm that. But the hurt is there.

I have been listening to the Voices podcast today. They've helped. I'm running and eating healthier than I have in my life. So one day I'll pull through this.

I hope