One thing that helped me detach emotionally--to fall out of love--was to learn about the outlines of abuse and the tactics of narcissists (covert and overt).  Learning about such things as the silent treatment, passive aggressive behaviors, minimizing, manipulating, projecting, DARVO (deny, attack, reverse victim and offender), false equivalence, future faking, situational emotions and ethics, etc, enabled me to understand my ex's behavior.  I also learned to pay attention to what he did, and not what he said.  
   Once I had this key to understanding his behavior, and watching him use these tactics on me, I was a lot less susceptible to his emotional manipulation and the wild emotions his behavior had previously called up in me.  Instead, I saw him as if from behind glass, like I was a scientist studying his behavior and classifying it, and nodding my head as I identified the practice in which he was engaging.  Once I could do that, I started understanding the degree to which he was willing to manipulate and use me for his own ends.  It's easier to fall out of love with someone and emotionally detach when you are no longer making excuses for someone else's rotten behavior or paying attention to their words rather than their behavior.  Knowing my then husband was willing to use me as he did for his own selfish purposes taught me that he couldn't possibly love me--or he wouldn't keep doing what he was.  I also began to trust that anything he said was not to be taken at face value: he'd say anything to protect his closet.  And his closet was far more important to him than I was.  
  Chump Lady has some excellent archived posts on all of this, and she's the one who first opened my eyes to seeing my ex's behavior clearly and understanding his motives.

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (September 18, 2019 7:38 pm)

Julian, welcome, and I'm so sorry you're going through this.

In my case, things just took time.  I'd spent 24 years taking care of him, and those habits don't vanish overnight.  Another difficulty was that I had deferred to his judgment on so many things, particularly financial matters, but also questions like "where should we go on vacation" or "are we doing Christmas at home this year."  So when for me, the extent of his lying very gradually came into focus and I kept trying to get him to give me reality-based answers -- I kept arguing, trying to get him to make sense, trying to force-feed him reality.  It was hard to face the fact that I was going to be the adult in the room -- because I'd ceded that role to him for so long.  I see a lot of people on this forum that I think struggle with the same kind of role-reversal; it's hard to see the person who was supposed to be an adult turn into a child.

I think what helped for me, was to understand that he is a different person than the guy I fell in love with.  The guy I fell in love with would never have lied to me, cheated on me, or stolen money for his own uses.  Honestly, it's possible he never even existed.

Even now it's hard for me to stand aside and watch him twist in the wind.  But I remember his suicide threats, and how the threat of suicide forced me to pull my punches and never hold him accountable for his own actions.  I remember him manipulating our adult daughter with threats of suicide.

So I guess for me, the detachment took time and maybe still isn't complete but I'm far more aware of things now.

Last edited by walkbymyself (September 19, 2019 8:00 am)

"I often pray that I would fall out of love with my husband so this wouldn't be so damn difficult."

I can relate to this. Completely.

Do you want to stay with him and deal with all tgt entails? If yes, OOHC has given spot on advice. You can achieve emotional/mental distance by truly understanding the ins and outs of gaslighting, love bombing, narcissistic behavior, etc. Read, read and read some more.

If you decide that you want to stay with him on your terms, or not stay with him at all, it might look different. For example, generally bi claiming guys to a high percentage want a form of "open" marriage to satisfy the inclination to have male/male relations. They will further assert that this is a "need" for them. I would assert it's a "need" for me to satisfy my inclination to be with something he can't provide - my need to be with a straight man.