Even if your family believes the sky is green and the grass is purple it is an awful lot to lose their company - no wonder you feel anxious at the impending split between your love life and your family.

So, just to be completely blunt about it - if you are straight then why not look for a straight man who can love you back the way you need to be.  

And anyway, just in terms of your relationship with him, why not restrict yourself to being friends as he goes through his process of transitioning?  it's such an obvious thing to do - if he was being upfront with you wouldn't he be suggesting it himself?  sounds highly manipulative to me.  Which, from what I've seen is common amongst transgender men looking for a support wife.  Yes read their stories here.

You can't really talk to your family about it, I can see that, so glad you found us, keep doing your research, and think about the subtext of your conversations with him - does he express concern about whether your emotional needs are being met?

if you are caring for him and he is caring for him, who is caring for you?  

in my very strong opinion - a straight needs a straight.  Look after yourself.

all the best, Lily

Hi Myriad and welcome to the forum.

If I am understanding your post correctly, this is a long distance relationship and you see each other a few times a year, correct? What is the end game for this relationship? Are you discussing marriage? Moving in together, etc? Is that next step a good way down the road?

My ex spouse is trans. I also know a couple of trans folks IRL (one I even consider a friend) and one of my kids' best friends is trans and a regular visitor in our home, so I think it is fair to say that I have some experience in this matter. 

The main thing is that supporting a friend through transition is a lot different than supporting a romantic partner through it. If a friend changes gender, it has very little (if any) effect on me. The hardest part is the stares that you get at the beginning stages when they don't quite pass yet, and that is harder with a MTF transition than a FTM one. That is usually just temporary though. As the hormones and surgeries and experience with hair and make-up, many will start to pass (unless they are really scrutinized). However, when a romantic partner transitions, you do as well. You become, by all outside appearances, a lesbian. If you marry, you gain a wife and her name will be on all forms and paperwork, etc., and that can be a difficult thing if that is just not who you are. Basically, your partner's coming out of the closet puts you in the closet. 

Now, as walk mentioned, kudos to your partner for telling you this. Mine told me after we had been together 20+ years. This means that you are in the driver's seat. The vast majority of us here weren't given the option of willingly and knowingly entering into a MOM (mixed orientation marriage), but you are being given that choice.

So, I wouldn't worry too much about your family right now. Start thinking about yourself and what you want from this relationship. Is marriage the end game? If so, are you okay being in a same sex relationship. If you are, are you okay with taking on a more masculine role within that relationship? You see, many trans women have a hyper feminized idea of what being a woman really means, and they will often not want to do anything that they associate as part of the male gender role - taking out the trash, for example. Many natal females then find themselves taking on that role and find themselves questioning their own femininity - especially if they weren't the "girly girl" type to begin with.

That plus the long distance aspect of your relationship is going to make this a real challenge for you should you decide to stick this out. If you do decide it is worth pursuing, then you can worry about your family when the time comes. They may surprise you. My ex-FIL is a very conservative pastor yet fully embraced and accepted my ex's transition. All of that is down the road though, don't let it be a distraction for what is going on right now.

good luck to you.