OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / He is messing with my head

**Posted by OJECPOMCO** July 12, 2019 11:14 pm

My GIDH whom I have not told i that i saw gay porn on phone has been buttering me up, being nice unusually, taking me out and even offering that money is not his problem. No physical intimacy though.

After finding the porn, I decided to give up. No strength to fight lost battles. I told him I wanted out. And I have been quite cold. Where i would rage normally, i just say little and try to keep myself happy.

He asked and I told him he was not able to love me how i should be loved. Now he is doing these acts and my head is messed up. I was waiting for the kids school to end in two weeks so that we can move out.

Who has been in this situation? What exactly does it mean? He even hinted we might take a trip for holidays, when he couldnt find time to attend my graduation.

**Posted by Davin** July 13, 2019 7:36 am

I wonder if he suspects you are on to some of his behaviors and is love bombing you so that you don't upset his apple cart? You have been providing the cover story for him to be living a "normal" life with "traditional" family values. If you walk out, and people start asking questions, that whole story might come crashing down and people might figure out the truth. He is vested in keeping up appearances and wants you to stay and continue to "play your role" in his charade.

I have experienced something very similar to this recently in my own situation. My GIDW all of the sudden became markedly more affectionate, started to help out with household chores, offered to help with taking kids to activities and appointments, and even suggested planning a big family vacation. When I read your message it was almost like I could have written the exact same thing myself!

**Posted by Abby** July 13, 2019 10:10 am

In an relationship with an abusive or alcoholic partner this is referred to as the merry-go-round. The person who is with the abuser or alcoholic has rocked the boat (for example, calling the police on the abuser or not straightening up messes for the alcoholic). Feeling threatened, the partner then goes into make-up mode. Promises, flowers, being more attentive: whatever will keep the relationship going. Until it happens again and the cycle repeats.

My ex would be more attentive as long as we were going to counseling but there was no permanent change in his lack of engagement. I used to think that he considered me like a statue of the Virgin Mary: put flowers in front of me, light some candles but that was as far as it would go.

Sometimes you just want something more.

**Posted by lily** July 13, 2019 3:38 pm

Yes, messing with your head. You know why it is such a common technique of manipulation? because it works so well. It is very hard to take action and move away when he is being so nice. If he was being a pig then it is much easier to turn on your heel and leave but if he is giving you flowers it's not so easy to even think about, let alone doing it.

It doesn't last - once he has you where he wants you again then back to normal.

I found that my attitude changed once I saw what my ex was doing - I felt disrespected, and I wanted to leave even more.