Sitting in the living room last night, same old awkward silence and she asked if she could read me something.  “The letter”. I’ve waited almost four weeks for a formal, heartfelt apology; ownership of the affair; and the deceleration of gayness. Early last week I found a draft of the letter where she stated “I’m gay” but I have patiently waited for my spouse to say these words. I listened as the familiar sentences were rolling out of her mouth. I knew it was coming... and she sobbed “I think I’m gay.”  I sat there emotionless while the rest unfolded and a few new sentences were read, “ I don’t want to lose you or us.” “I dont know what all this means.” I....I.....I.   At the end of it, I couldn’t help but say that I liked the first draft better where you said “I’m gay” rather than “I think I’m gay.”  She was dumbfounded (the letter was poorly hidden in our bedroom-she hid an affair for two years, lately bad at hiding stuff).  We talked for about two hours, or I mostly asked questions and broke down the letter. She finally admitted it’s not “think”, that she is gay but she wants us to stay together. I asked questions about what this means for us, does she foresee an open relationship (just her, both of us), does she want me to leave, does she want to leave, what she thought my response was going to be, how would she respond if I were reading the same letter? I got very little answers, she basically hadn’t thought about any of this (shocking!). I explained that I don’t want a one-sided open relationship; I don’t think it’s fair to leave a spouse waiting in the wings (especially after already having a two year affair), I don’t think it’s fair to have half a spouse or wait for you to show up with a full blown partner and kick me to the curb in two years; and I would prefer to separate and let her pursue her coming out on her own terms. I was actually really calm, she on the other hand was very sad, but it was a good talk. I held my ground. I’m sad that it had to happen obviously but I at least think she knows I’m not a wounded spouse (at least not in front of her) and I’m not content to sit around waiting. In fact, I told her she should spend the weekend away which would release some pressure in the house, “go do whatever you want hun, I’ll take a turn away next weekend.”  I don’t know what the future holds but I feel like I established a position, a footing. I may slip but it’ll be my choice and I haven’t felt that in a few weeks.  I couldn’t have done it without the support and advice found throughout this forum. I may be living hand to mouth in some crumby apartment in a few months and missing my kids like crazy but it will be my crumby apartment and I’ll work like hell to be a fixture in my kids lives.

Reading all these stories has been very cathartic for me. It's so encouraging to read that others are feeling the same way I am and that that it's not a crazy thing to want true love and affection from your spouse. I seem to be surrounded by friends who think it's totally normal to not have sex after 22 years of marriage. Well, that's not the kind of marriage I want, and that's definitely not the kind of marriage I want to model for my children.

I'm 50 and wondering if I'll ever meet somebody and have true love and affection again, never mind sex. It's nice to hear men want that too. Maybe I'll get lucky (no pun intended) and meet someone who doesn't mind an older woman who despite working out and eating right is still a size 14. That's one thing that bugs me...by the time I made the decision to leave, I had gained weight and gotten older and now it's not gonna be easy to attract someone else. 

As for holding onto anger, I agree with you Phoenix, the only person it hurts is yourself. I read a meme once that said "Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die from it." So true, but it's not that simple or easy to let it go. I was SO angry for so long. Once I made the decision to separate from my husband I felt much better because I no longer felt trapped. It really helped. The other thing that helped is that I forced myself to look at my husband's reasons for marrying me. I know this may not be true for everyone, but I do know that he didn't do this out of spite or just to screw up my life. He thought he could make it work, but he was wrong. He tried, for many years he really tried. And even now, he does love me, it's just not the kind of love I'm looking for in a husband. That really helped me to let go of some of the anger as well, 

At present, I am living in the in law apartment in our home. It's working out well. We are both there for our children. As brokenhearted said...it may be a small apartment, but it's mine and I'm still a fixture in my kids' lives. My next step is to separate our finances. Each step I take makes me feel better and better. Anything is better than feeling unloved and undesired and like I am crazy to stay in this marriage. 

I am sending strength and healing to all of us that are dealing with this struggle. *hugs*