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October 11, 2022 10:41 am  #1


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Last edited by fashioncate (October 24, 2022 7:34 am)


October 11, 2022 1:09 pm  #2

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fashioncate wrote:

I'm new here. Posted my story today. My husband denies anything but a straight orientation but so much of his actions indicate otherwise. Manscaped body, thong underwear, anal plugs, conical vibrators. He has always been a minimal communicator. I have a very challenging time getting him to explore why he needs these things in our life. "I just do". He has never denied being gay, he is just incredulous that I ask. I have not asked about bisexual orientation. I guess that is next on the list. Any advice how to start or carry on the conversation?


Welcome to our Forum Fashioncate. I read your story in Our Stories and can only say the further you are 'accepting' of the things he does the further he will draw you in to the way he wants his life to be. You no doubt have a view of how you see your r'ship but your husband's view is different to yours and the longer he tests the waters (what's next I wonder?) the more he'll think you're okay with it all.

It was a difficult first step to tell the man I once thought was everything I wanted and could do no wrong...that I actually didn't want to be intimate with him again ever...but I did it. We're still together but our r'ship is a 'changed format'.
And it doesn't matter that he's gay, bisexual or a cross-dressing crocodile.....the fact is you feel uncomfortable with how he presents himself and you're part of the relationship too right! You have a say in this!

Don't carry on the conversation. It'll probably go nowhere. 
What would he do if next time sex is on the table instead of going along with it...to get it over with (can you see what this is doing to you?)....what will he do/say when you tell him "no"...?


KIA KAHA                       

October 11, 2022 5:10 pm  #3

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He's not denying it. He's reversing it back onto you. Why? Perhaps to make you think you are reading too much into this behaviour, and to stop questioning it?

I don't think anyone should participate in activities they are not comfortable with.

“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer

October 11, 2022 9:08 pm  #4

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He knows why. He doesn't want to tell you why. He probably will never tell you why no matter how much you prod him.  He prefers to string you along it seems.

Keeping this a secret breaks something fundamental in the marriage. The GIDXH kept his gay lifestyle to himself. I felt lonely with the GIDXH in the same room. Slowly I was repulsed by him. I couldn't stand to be near him.

No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 

October 12, 2022 7:18 am  #5

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I think that he is gay but will never, ever, come out. I will not tell you to leave or that he does not care for you. Do what is best for you. Ellee still lives with her gay boyfriend. I  left and she didn't. I am holding a good thought for you.


October 12, 2022 7:41 am  #6

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Other important information for your own health is infidelity and STD’s. Get yourself to the doctor and get checked for all STD’s, and I would recommend this every 6 months.

Be aware and watch your thoughts and feelings, the interactions, and ask yourself, “does this make me feel good?”  If you notice you’re in your head obsessive over it, or your intuition is telling you something, trust your gut. Be aware of gaslighting and manipulation techniques.


You cannot save someone who does not want to be saved.

Believe that we will meet our person and it will get better!!

October 12, 2022 10:03 am  #7

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You asked whether he is bi, gay or what?  He's a "what", and that "what" is "not straight".  What you have described is not reflective of a straight sexual orientation, including his sexual texts with a male co-worker.  Straight men do not do this.

I hate to say this, but I would not be surprised if he's got something on the side.  His grooming, underwear choices, new sexual stuff is not for you.  You have to ask yourself whether you are ok being married to a non-straight guy who doesn't sound honest and is engaging in activities that make you uncomfortable.  As others have said, get yourself checked for STDs and look out for you.  You deserve better than this and will go bonkers living with someone who drives you crazy.



October 12, 2022 1:53 pm  #8

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Gloria wrote:

I think that he is gay but will never, ever, come out. I will not tell you to leave or that he does not care for you. Do what is best for you. Ellee still lives with her gay boyfriend. I  left and she didn't. I am holding a good thought for you.

Please stop referring to me in your comments and comparing your situation with mine.
I don't have a boyfriend. 

KIA KAHA                       

October 12, 2022 2:58 pm  #9

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I asked my ex-h if he was gay to which he said no but when I asked him if he was bisexual he was more open to discussing it, I think he thought he had a good chance of getting me to accept it.  I sat there for two weeks getting him to chat about his bisexuality.  All I really needed was to see the pink skin when he talked about men. 

What he is is Gay In Denial - it's a thing.  a way of being.

He said he was special, it meant he had a choice and that it was none of my business.  When I argued whatever he was he wasn't straight and that he should have told me, he reversed back into insisting he was 100% straight.  

I don't think there is any point in talking discussing or arguing - you will be strung out til the cows come home.



October 13, 2022 6:49 am  #10

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Elle, I am so sorry. I did not mean to hurt you. I have heard you talk about your "partner" I assume that you are not married to him. He is not a husband so he must be a boyfriend.  You made many remarks about my situation when I first joined. Please know that I am holding a good thought for you now and always. Take care of yourself. If he is not your boyfriend he is not a real man. So sorry for you.


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