OurPath Open Forum

This Open Forum is funded and administered by OurPath, Inc., (formerly the Straight Spouse Network). OurPath is a 501(c)(3) nonprofit that provides support to Straight Partners and Partners of Trans People who have discovered that their partner is LGBT+. Your contribution, no matter how small, helps us provide our community with this space for discussion and connection.


You are not logged in. Would you like to login or register?

September 14, 2022 7:44 pm  #1

Abusive Married Men who have sex with men and the impact on wife

I have written a blog of 9 pages that discusses my pain over the past 10 years and how I reached out for help and was hurt and blocked from getting help.

My story starts like this From a straight spouse’s own words: I have been asked by people I have barely known and therapists alike many times, “Do you feel sorry?” That question assumes that I am the only one at fault. That I knowingly was aware of the impact my decisions would have on my immediate family and thousands of others.To answer it, I will be honest. Yes of course I am sorry that my actions hurt my immediate family, especially my son. I never thought about how it would hurt him or how he and I would be revictimized. I also feel sorry for those who felt injured and wronged by my words but to be fair I never used names. So, if my words hurt, these words were directed at a nameless demographic.

When I spoke aloud and wrote about my pain and anger as a straight spouse, I assumed that everyone who was a double identity was doing it to hurt others as my husband had hurt me. I assumed that their motives were criminal, and they were knowingly taking from their mates as my husband took from me. I did not know there were double identities who both had agreed to mate. I did not know that there were double identities that simply wanted a child and live a life with their mate who knowingly knew their identity or at least had accepted the life with missing sexual parts in it.

Nevertheless, I wish to clarify what really happened to me and how I developed my painful mindset.Before I married my husband, I was ignorant of identities as it related to mine. I had never heard of double identities before. I had only understood you could have one or another, but I did not know of the duality whereby individuals fought within themselves to fit in the norm. I grew up in a city where duality of identities was not discussed in my home. Nor had I ever had an interaction with individuals whose identities were different than my own. I learned to love and make love with very loving men. I learned how to be pleased as a woman and what behavior men engaged in when they wanted me. I was incredibly lucky to be attractive and to have many courters growing up. I am grateful to all those young men. I developed a strong self-concept. I loved myself and knew that I could attract others and what types of sexual interactions I should expect out of a relationship.

So, when I met my ex and he was very loving and very sexual with me, I assumed he was one identity. This appealed to me as I was also one identity, and I was a sexual being. It was crucial to me to have that aspect in my life. During our early dating years, I wanted to pursue other relationships with other men but once I told him this, he explained that he wanted me to be his and his alone. I gave in and fell for him deeply. Throughout our courtship, his attentions would wane here and there, but I would remind him that there were men pursuing me and I could easily be with them. He would reengage with me and give me the love that I wanted and deeply needed. Soon after he began to ask me repeatedly, if I’d marry him or if I was simply “enjoying time” with him only. I did not want to marry too soon I wanted to know him and know what I was getting into. I lived with him for 5 years. I would watch how he treated me and others. During this time, I developed a kinship with his culture. I fell in love with the food, the language and although I did not agree with the separateness between the men and women, I was happy to be in his life. He never treated me unkind. He always held me in high regard. I thought I was his everything. We were equals. He never disrespected me, and his behavior showed that he had become Americanized. He respected my need for women’s rights.

So, I never suspected he would be any different after marriage. He never gave any cues that he was a double.In retrospect, there was this one time where a man flirted with him at a business event, and it surprised me. I could not fathom what was happening. Surely, he was not gay? He had been very sexual with me. Those who are, do not pursue females like me. They pursue those they wanted. Or so I thought. He did not reciprocate the person’s flirtations so I assumed that man must have been mistaken about his identity. And so, we moved forward. He asked me often to marry him and this one time, I thought I might be pregnant and wanted my little one to be born in wedlock so finally I succumbed and said yes. I did warn him. I stated very clearly that I was a possessive woman. I would not share him with anyone. I expected him to be mine completely. I also told him clearly that we would need to have sexual relations through our seventies. He knew what he was getting. He knew how deeply I had fallen. I also expected that he learned the English language and supply a strong future for both of us. The wedding was simple. A minister performed the ceremony in a park and with only one witness, my brother. My family was against the marriage. He was too old. He was of a different race, but no one knew or told me he was a closeted MSM.

After the wedding, we went to a ball game on his one day off. There was no honeymoon. I should have realized then that his heart was not in it. During the first year of our marriage together, I began to see less of him. I felt lonely. We would have breakfast, but no dinner and we would barely connect unless it was on a Weekend with his business associates. And so, I decided I wanted to bring a baby into our life. I wanted a little friend and I had always loved children. I felt he would make a good father since he had been so loving toward me. He was perfect for the job I thought. But the time we spent apart did not change. Luckily, my loneliness would go away when we would go on vacations. Vacations, I would pay for. Every summer we would go somewhere, and it became the retreat we all needed to inject energy into our lives. I started to gain a substantial amount of debt throughout those years, none of which he helped pay off. Sadly, after the vacations, the reality of my marriage started to seep in. My marriage was a sham.

 I remember at my son’s 2-year-old photo that my husband was not present for the photos. He had begun to be distant. He no longer held me the same. He no longer cuddled with me or held my hand. Our sex was reduced to one day on the weekend. Sadly, the sex then became every two weeks and less and less after that. He also became very misogynistic. Expecting that while I worked my fulltime job and care for my son that when I got home, I would supply a hot meal every night. His income was not supplementing the household. I carried the weight of the mortgage, the utilities, the groceries and later the tuition of my son’s school. He would often say since I made more, he did not have to pay.

The financial abuse was not just that. He and his fellow business associates would constantly bully me about the fact that I should consider putting the house up for collateral so my husband could open his own business. I never understood why I should take a gamble with someone who did not give financially to our home.

His business associates also were strange in relation to the way they treated me. Some found me physically attractive and would almost throw themselves at me; all the while I would have to remind them it was inappropriate to hug me or accept their advances. Others were cruel to me, as if I had taken something from them. It was as if they were jealous of my relationship with my husband. It was as if I was a threat to them. One such instance I recall that a man who taught us exercise classes threw the exercise outfit at me and insisted that he and my husband speak alone behind closed doors. It was odd, they could speak in their native tongue I would have never understood but they wanted to be alone in that room, doing what I can only imagine. I also found a card my husband bought for him and a book. I thought to myself, he had never bought me a book, and if he did buy me cards, they were only on 3 occasions, my birthday, Mother’s Day and Valentines Day.  Then the emotional abuse began. He began degrading me...

For more of my story see below and at my blog at


Last edited by private (September 14, 2022 9:10 pm)


September 14, 2022 8:13 pm  #2

Re: Abusive Married Men who have sex with men and the impact on wife

From Abusive Married Men who have sex with men impact the worst part of it:
Then one night, that horrible night, he came over with food again. Except this time, it was different. Instead of a meal, we would all share together, he brought three separate meals. My son ate his and went ahead up the stairs. I took one or two bites, and the room began to spin. I felt as if I was falling unconscious. My ex tried to wrap his legs around my body and tried to take advantage of me. I fought him off and the rest seemed a confusing blur. In the next few hours, I began to develop panic attacks and paranoia.

It was then that my world would change drastically. I saw things, felt things, and could not stop my anxiety for the next week.I went to see my doctor and asked her to run some blood tests and give me an IV to try and flush out whatever was in my system. But since it had been a week there were no findings. What I did know was that I had developed a psychotic break which ruined my career, and I was terminated.

I reached out to a law firm. But the truth of my predicament was too hot politically. How could we explain what had been happening to me? Who would believe it? And so, I filed bankruptcy and lost my house. After that, my son and I were harassed by those of the double identity.

I had to be committed to a mental hospital five times because I could not find a safe place to heal, nor could I find any therapist that was willing to heal me. All I saw was anger in their eyes and how they were using all the pain they experienced as outsiders to fuel ways to hurt their target, me.

The mental hospital experiences were in of themselves additional traumatic events; with bland food, rigid nurses and staff and a cold environment that did not supply the warmth needed to feel safe and nurtured. It felt as if the punishment I had endured with my husband, with the Double identities, the closeted MSM’s was not enough. I still needed to be stripped down to my core and stampeded on some more.

For the whole story please read it at my blog http://menwhohavesexwithmenabusers.com/

please respond as your support would help in my healing

Last edited by private (September 14, 2022 8:51 pm)

     Thread Starter

September 15, 2022 8:18 am  #3

Re: Abusive Married Men who have sex with men and the impact on wife

Oh, I am so very very sorry.


September 17, 2022 6:30 pm  #4

Re: Abusive Married Men who have sex with men and the impact on wife

private, This was heartbreaking to read. My late GIDXH pulled some of the same shenanigans.  Am seeing in hindsight he had a severe personality disorder. He enjoyed wrecking my life. The gay part does not make a vicious abuser in and of itself.

I drop the gay part when describing the abuse. There's everything right about being gay. The sadism and cruelty are the real trauma and PTSD causers for us.

Thanks for sharing this.

Last edited by MJM017 (September 17, 2022 6:32 pm)

No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 

Board footera


Powered by Boardhost. Create a Free Forum