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October 27, 2021 11:28 pm  #1


I need your opinion

So I have finally gone no contact with my gay ex. It's been almost 3 weeks BUT we are still in the same house with our poor teen son. I just couldn't take it anymore - the pressure from the mediation & being in the same home overwhelmed me and I told him I was done. Well, it's a few weeks later and I'm feeling WORSE with no contact and sleeping poorly.

I feel like I've made the toxicity level rise 100% in our house. I'm feeling guilty about making it more uncomfortable for my son and what he's learning from all this. He's learning to avoid difficult conversations... to hide your feelings... people-pleasing... manipulation... and worse of all I can see how he's trying to spend time with each one of us as we're off in our own corners of the house - ugh.

After filing for divorce in my state, I'm automatically under a restraining order not to discuss the details with our child. I wish he knew what was happening so we could process all this BS in a healthier manner.

So what I need opinions on is that I'm contemplating writing my ex an email to explain further why I'm "done". To explain my disappointment in how everything has ended up after trying to make an easier transition for both of us (even though he hurt me with his lies)... How I hoped he'd realize that marriage works until it doesn’t and that separation doesn’t mean we’ve failed or we’re horrible (although I feel he IS pretty horrible). That we could still cooperate for the best outcome.

Basically, I want to explain why I've gone completely cold. I guess I don't like taking on the narc role in the house. 
Shit energy will attract more shit energy and I don't need any more of that. I feel like I need to fix it.

I don't expect a particular answer from him. It's more about clearing my own conscience. Do you think I'm setting myself up for more drama? Am I giving him ammunition against me? He's generally passive & introverted. Does anyone have suggestions as to how to protect my teen when going no contact in the same house?
 

Last edited by broomhilda2 (October 28, 2021 12:04 am)

 

October 28, 2021 12:12 am  #2


Re: I need your opinion

broomhilda2, no contact under the same roof must be really hard.  However, if you've started, please continue. It is a mental discipline and it doesn't come easy to people like us who have spent many years making our needs non-existent and pandering to every need or want of our partners and children. Apparently passive/introverted people can actually be incredibly demanding of our time and attention because they don't tell us what is wrong, they expect us to read their minds and worry about them.  Grrr so manipulative.  They can be appalling wet blankets and soak the atmosphere with their resentment if you let them.  If you can't get him out of the house for some reason, then work on getting him out of your head.  

Definitely absolutely categorically do not write to him.  He doesn't care or he would have changed and you would not be divorcing.  Stop feeling guilty for what he has caused.  For him it wasn't what he did it was your reaction to it.  Don't keep seeing it through his eyes.  Again, he doesn't care how you feel, he only cares for himself and what is inconvenient or uncomfortable for him. He has done nothing to make it easier for you, he isn't feeling the same as you do at all about it, so don't project your broken heart and regret onto him.  Narcs don't feel a thing except inconvenience and resentment/anger that their entitlement is being questioned by an uppity wife appliance.  He doesn't care that you've gone cold, he cares that he has been found out and is being inconvenienced. 

Most of what you are feeling sounds like it is from inside you. You are not taking on the narc role.  That's already taken and if you are calling yourself that then you are not that!  You feel guilty about not asking how high when your ex says jump, from long conditioning to do just that.  Independent decision is a huge change in mindset for us and it can take a while for us to become comfortable with not paying minute attention to every breath that our ex takes or every sad sausage sigh they heave in our hearing.  Try some meditation, deep breathing, a nice leisurely stroll away from the house, a wander through the shops, visit a church or museum or gallery, go to a movie - getting away from the house for a while to do something pleasant or diverting.

Stop feeling guilty about your son. Let go of trying to control things for him.  You don't know what he is learning seeing you struggle to be free of a lying cheating man who treated his mother terribly.  He may well be learning to know who to rely on (that's you) and who not to trust (that would be his dad).  These are useful lessons for any young person.  But you don't really know how he feels so give him the benefit of honouring him and trusting that he is old enough to work out a relationship with both of you and make sensible choices for himself.  Keep loving him and caring for him as you always have and if he chooses to spend some time with dad, that's ok too.  Find something you like to do and do it in those spaces when your son otherwise engaged.

Stop feeling like you are 'skulking' anywhere in your own home. Walk tall.  Take up some room.  Make some noise.  Listen to music, sing, cook, paint, sew, craft, dance while you vacuum the floor, watch comedy on tv and let yourself laugh loudly.  Talk, laugh and joke round with your son. My son and I watch ridiculous Will Ferrell movies and fall about laughing.  Work on finding you again, and let yourself expand from the tiny ball of unmet needs and invisible desires you have formed yourself into because you cared so much for your unworthy spouse.  Spend some of that love and compassion on yourself.

Yes, these are tough times, no doubt about it.  But if you can't get him out of your house yet, work on getting him out of your head.  That's valuable real estate that shouldn't be wasted on a lying cheating ratbag who betrayed you. 

Good luck and soldier on.  

PS:  and find a therapist or a friendly shoulder to cry on - friend, relative, doctor ... we often need help to process trauma, redirect our thoughts and reframe our experiences in a more positive helpful way.  A good mantra is "it wasn't me it was him", or "trust that he sucks".
 

Last edited by Soaplife (October 28, 2021 1:30 am)

 

October 28, 2021 1:22 am  #3


Re: I need your opinion

Broom If it was me, knowing my partner is not good at face to face stuff the only time I'd write him a letter would be after I'd left him because to communicate with him while living together and have him not acknowledge it or say anything would crush me.

I'm okay living with an elephant in the room as long as it stays in the corner

Elle


KIA KAHA                       
 

October 28, 2021 7:35 am  #4


Re: I need your opinion

My advice would be to leave if at all possible. 

 

October 28, 2021 10:45 am  #5


Re: I need your opinion

Gloria wrote:

My advice would be to leave if at all possible. 

Gloria - I'm working on that. We're divorcing right now. My business (livelihood) is tied to our house while recovering from the pandemic, so I'm trying to figure out how to keep it & make him leave. I have a lawyer & working through a mediator.

Elle - It wouldn't crush me anymore. I've been doing a lot of deprogramming over the last few months. Sleep hypnosis every night, meditation every morning... I'm listening to the book "High Five Habit" right now by Mel Robbins and it's great.

Soaplife - Thank you. ​I was just thinking that toxicity will bring me more toxicity but I'm thinking about it a little different this morning. Pushing my guilty thoughts aside, I'm actually making way for new possibilities and at some point, my son will understand my side. I can't control what he thinks about me.

Last edited by broomhilda2 (October 28, 2021 10:51 am)

     Thread Starter
 

October 28, 2021 12:11 pm  #6


Re: I need your opinion

Broom... You wrote that you're legally bound to not talk to your son about this. I find that strange, and confining. I guess it's an American law?
Anyway it sounds like you've been silenced from your own son! who lives in the same house! I don't know how old he is but how confusing it must be for him

Elle


KIA KAHA                       
 

October 28, 2021 3:49 pm  #7


Re: I need your opinion

Broom,

My GX wrote me a letter about why she did what she did....but it was warped thing where she blamed me for things like not taking the trash out at 4am or not liking her TV shows.  The letter I'm sure made her feel better but there was no remorse or sorry in it..just some really sick petty reasons that did not justify having a gay affair and want to divorce.
She blew up at me when I tried to talk her about things in the letter..like I was an evil being.   It was par for course for my GX..if she screamed it or wrote it down that must make it true..

What I'm trying trying to say is no matter what you put the email or letter your stbx may not "get" any of it.  If it makes you feel better ok but I'm not sure it would diffuse any tension in the house.  Depends how far gone mentally and morally he is..

I lived what you are in now.  There were no words left to say to each other..I preferred the silence anyway because my GXs attitude was anger at any word.   Think sitting in the same room for hours without speaking.  You could cut the silence with a knife..eggshells..
I called it the house of rage or silence.

It is toxic tension.  It's not normal.  It's not good for the kids.  BUT..it is not of our making ..my GX could have spoken and been kind as we divorced if she wanted to..instead she decided she would only inflict anger and silence on me..as if that made what she was doing ok.. it did not. I chose silence over her anger.

I had my safe spot in the house but I also made sure I made myself breakfast every morning and that I came home to be with the kids everyday. (As I had always done). I made my presence known.  If I did not her girlfriend would have been there every day. I would not been allowed to see my kids..  no..I chose to stay in it.  My stoicism and love for my kids were beyond her comprehension..

Know that it's not forever..there is an end.  It's like we need to go through the fire, through the valley.  But we are not citizens of the (gay) valley.

Stoic, head held high, face in the wind.

Last edited by Rob (October 28, 2021 3:53 pm)


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

October 28, 2021 4:00 pm  #8


Re: I need your opinion

Broom, that's overall good news. In my opinion, time to write all of your feelings, reasons, justifications, (none required) is all over now, there is no need or reason. The divorce should be all the explanation he requires, again, just offering my opinion.

You are in the last mile (so am I), hang in there, take care and be well.
 


I never cease to wonder at the cruelty of this land, but it seems a time of sadness is a time to understand, is it mine, oh lord is it mine, when everything is dark ….. Roger Hodgson. 
 

October 28, 2021 5:42 pm  #9


Re: I need your opinion

Broomhilda, you are a person of great courage.  I dont think we ever realise how brave we are as we fight these immense and protracted battles to rid our lives of toxic destructive people.

Your courage, generosity, kindness and loving heart shine through your posts to me - a stranger. Your son, living with you, whom you love so much, could not fail to see them - and you. Sometimes you don't need words.

I hope its over soon. <3

 

October 29, 2021 4:53 pm  #10


Re: I need your opinion

Thanks for your input, Everyone.
It was very helpful to hear from others who've gone through "this". I'll be working on not letting him take up any more space in my thoughts. I also met with a realtor and a lender to arm myself with more information. Onward...

     Thread Starter
 

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