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October 22, 2021 7:56 am  #21

Re: Finding things


I’ve made a little bit of progress in the last couple of days in terms of managing my strong emotions.

Just when I’m beginning to regain a bit of myself, yesterday my husband informed me that he would be finishing work early today and he had something he wanted to talk to me about this afternoon. I’m expecting him to arrive home around 1pm.

I tried asking him what he wanted to discuss with me, he just replied it’s better if we have this discussion this afternoon.

I tell you, at this point, I’m tempted to have that  box of condom sitting on the dinning room table, just waiting for him when he arrives home. I want  to have a discussion, very much.

So, hopefully I will have some honest answers by late this afternoon. Any discussion at this point, is better than what I’ve living with. I just want to know what is really going on, I want him to tell me the truth.

Last edited by Wiltedflower (October 22, 2021 7:59 am)


October 22, 2021 8:47 am  #22

Re: Finding things

Wiltedflower - it is good that you have made him open the conversation but also it inclines towards the idea that he has been leaving these things lying around deliberately.

Please do not think that means he wants to have an honest conversation - he hasn't been honest with you from the git go why would that change now?  Sit back listen to what he has to say, read between the lines, good luck!



October 22, 2021 9:18 am  #23

Re: Finding things

I shouldn’t leave the box out? I want to know what this is all about bhe has been hiding things, why should I continue to let him think I have not caught on to all that is going on here. I have a right to know.

     Thread Starter

October 22, 2021 11:23 am  #24

Re: Finding things

You always did have a right to know.  He never should have been hiding things from you.  He shouldn't have a box of condoms or the dildo behind your back.

but he has been doing this.  Now he leaves stuff lying around and when you don't say anything he wants to start a conversation - why now?  what's changed for him?  It could be that he has a boyfriend, but it could be as simple as he's bored and he wants a bit of fun baiting you.

why not find out what he wants first - you can always go and get the condoms and put them on the table.  

He tells you he wants a conversation and then he leaves you to stew.  my suggestion is to hold your ground, make him open the conversation and don't help him, try to remain silent for a bit, see what he says.  


October 22, 2021 1:58 pm  #25

Re: Finding things

lily wrote:


I second Lily's advice. No condoms on the desk. Listen first


KIA KAHA                       

October 22, 2021 3:24 pm  #26

Re: Finding things

I am a direct, no bs type of person (aka honest), too. He knows that and may use it to his advantage for the reasons lily mentions.

You do know why he's left those items hiding in plain sight. I would suggest saying you need time to think if his talk merits a response. It's to your advantage to have a measured, well-thought out plan for yourself taking all the time you need.

No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 

October 23, 2021 6:48 am  #27

Re: Finding things

Well ladies I listened to your wise advice. His conversation with me yesterday afternoon had nothing to do with any of the things I have discovered. Nothing.

He wanted to discuss how much longer our daughter might be staying with us. She moved in at the start of the pandemic, she found it all too much to manage on her own and she was lonely and feeling a bit scared living alone. She asked to moved back home. Her father and I both agreed at the time it was a wise decision. Now he wants to know when she will be moving out again. She is not moving out, not until this pandemic is well behind us. 

I was very, very upset with him yesterday afternoon when I found out what it was in fact what he wanted to discuss. I lost it and started crying and left him standing there. It was too much.

So, in many ways, I am glad I followed your advice, but I’m no further ahead, to getting to an honest discussion with him. 

Any other advice, how do you ever resolve any of this? If, we do not bring it up? I’m feeling so confused, never in my life have I felt so much confusion.

I truly thank all of you

     Thread Starter

October 23, 2021 8:46 am  #28

Re: Finding things

Your husband may have chosen this time to try to get your daughter out of the house as a way to isolate you. It will also make it easier to upend the marriage if that is what he is trying to do by leaving things where you likely will find them.

It's good that you've made a doctor's appointment but I;d suggest that you ask for a referral to a counselor to help you work through what you want for yourself. To confront the possibility that trying to remain in this marriage will involve too much self-sacrifice. 

Wilted flowers need water and you need to revive yourself for whatever lies ahead. 

Try Gardening. It'll keep you grounded.

October 23, 2021 8:53 am  #29

Re: Finding things

   If you wish to let him know what you've found, then let him know.  Tell him you wish to have a conversation with HIM.  However, you should be very clear with yourself about your reasons for this conversation.  You need to think through your motivations, his possible reactions, and your response. 

   If you are seeking clarity or an admission, you are unlikely to get it. 

   If you simply wish to let him know that you are aware he is engaging in homosexuality activity, you should be ready for a denial. 

   AND, you should be clear with yourself about your course of action depending on the answer he gives you.

   If he denies he is fucking men, or gives you a gaslighting answer like "it's for masturbation," or blameshifts ("I do this because you are not giving me what I need...or...our daughter's presence at home is sexually inhibiting"--or any other bullshit reason), what will be your response?  

  Are you ready to end your marriage?  Then you will have to say so: "I discovered these things.  They are indications of homosexual interest and activity.  I do not wish to continue to be married to someone engaging in such behavior.  I will be seeing a lawyer to end our marriage, and you and I need to make arrangements to live separately." 

  Do you want to lay out marriage counseling as a requirement?  Then it's "I discovered these things.  I don't know if you are bixexual or whether you are a homosexual hiding in a marriage (and maybe from yourself), but I cannot and will not stay in such a marriage unless you agree to joint counseling, with the aim of setting out parameters for us to decide whether we can stay married." 

Whatever it is, your boundaries should be clear to you, clearly conveyed to him.  You should also think through what your response will be if he refuses to adhere to your boundary.  

 Also: there is another option, and that is, this: You found evidence that he is engaging in homosexual behavior.  He's using those condoms and that dildo.  If being married to a man who engages in that behavior is not acceptable to you, cut to the chase of the end game and go see a lawyer and start preparing to serve him with divorce papers.  Then serve them. 

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (October 23, 2021 8:56 am)


October 23, 2021 9:13 am  #30

Re: Finding things

Is it possible that your daughters presence impinges on his nocturnal activities? Not to mention another person who might find something hidden or ask an awkward question.

“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer

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