MJM017 Hi,

I am sorry you are going through this. It's hard to know if the phone activity is the tip of the iceberg, youthful experimentation or being uncomfortable divulging bisexuality to you. Am sure you thought of these possibilities  and more.

Some posters here have had fulfilling sex lives with boyfriends/husbands in their 20s and early 30s. They are shocked when the partner comes out as gay in their late 30s or ceases to have sex with them. Some women were told or guessed (not sure which one) that the guys were fantasizing about other men to maintain an erection. It becomes more difficult for a man to keep up the ruse as he aged.

I agree with Daryl to keep marriage and/or kids on the back burner for now. You may wish to consider telling trusted friends or family members your concerns. You may want to get counseling for just you. It's not healthy to keep this bottled up.

Hope all goes well for you.


- Thank you very much for your kind wishes. I guess I'm confused on bisexual vs gay. I feel like any experimenting at all is classified as 100% gay and not bisexual or bicurious. If he were bisexual, why would he need to think of men to be with me or stop having sex later in life? Bisexual would mean they find sexual fulfillment from both genders. Why is it one or the other here? I'm just curious. Thanks for your time.

Ohshit2016 wrote:

......
I just don't want to make this more than what it is (if he was just curious at that time). But I also don't want to dismiss anything that could cause problems later.
.....

The thing is...by the time things 'may turn awkward, when you've invested too much in your r'ship, and you've... As far as he is concerned... Silently accepted the way he MAY be and allowed him to be who he really is.... It'll be hard to back out of something you had doubts about. If he's so ashamed of who he is he won't be honest and you'll be left not knowing or liking who you both have become

I've been there, I am there

Elle
 

My husband came out to me saying he was transgender.  Then went on to say he wants to be a woman and be sexually with a man and he also likes being a man and being sexually with a woman, but would be a woman, all the time if he could.  He also, said he wants an open marriage.  I am a straight spouse so my answer which he knew was no to an open marriage.  We are still in the same place but living in separate bedrooms and he goes out as a woman and meets other people but most of the time at home he is a guy.
just wondering is this a transgender person or a bisexual, I'm confused and so sad that my marriage to him is over and we are just living together for money issues.

Sara,
 Your husband is not bisexual.  He is exhibiting the behavior of an autogynephile (a man who is aroused by the thought of himself as a woman).  Autogynephilia is a sexual paraphilia, one characterized by what is called "an erotic targeting error"; they are essentially heterosexual, but their interest in actual women (you) competes with their interest in themselves as women.  Such men may, however, also want when they are dressed as women to be validated by other men, because to them that "proves" their attractiveness and their status as women.
  Autogynephilia is complex and hard for people without paraphilias to understand. 

I've included a few sources below that can explain it to you.   

Michael Bailey, "The Man Who Would Be Queen."  It's available online and downloadable.  Bailey is a research psychologist at Northwestern Univ.  

Anne Lawrence, "Men Trapped in Men's Bodies/Becoming What We Love."  Lawrence is a trans person and an MD, a psychologist who treated (now retired) trans identified males.  Lawrence maintains an online presence and there are articles there. http://www.annelawrence.com/autogynephilia_&_MtF_typology.html 

Autogynephilia: An Underappreciated Paraphilia Anne A. Lawrence Department of Psychology, University of Lethbridge, Lethbridge, Alta., Canada https://pdfs.semanticscholar.org/3eb9/a449b840ef525436454c4f658b8d364d194f.pdf

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (September 22, 2021 8:45 pm)

Sarah, If you're on the desktop/laptop screen, select the index on the main page. You'll see the support link. Click on that. Click the New Topic Button on the top right. On the phone menu, it's about the same.  Hope you're doing ok.