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September 23, 2021 3:11 pm  #11


Re: What to do if you see it happening to someone else?

Daryl wrote:

Thank you, we need more people in the LGBTQ community to understand the real pain and damage that can occur when someone chooses to disguise their orientation by entering into a hetero-normal relationship. I understand the impulse to celebrate when people come out, but there can be another side to the story that is often overlooked. Moving on can often be easier said than done.

Thank you, I appreciate it. Actually, that was one of the things that helped me to come to terms with my sexuality as a teenager - that I didn't want to hurt someone. I remember asking my best friend when I was about 14 how she'd feel if she had a husband in the future who came out as gay. Obviously the response was a negative one! So, I was considering it from that perspective even at a young age. I feel so lucky that it couldn't happen to me and it saddens me what your community goes through as an indirect result of societal homophobia.
 

 

September 23, 2021 3:18 pm  #12


Re: What to do if you see it happening to someone else?

MiddleofJuly....why have you not posted this on an LGBTQ support board? Is it because you know that here, on a website full of straightspouses you'll get kind, helpful, encouraging advice and you won't get that if you ask it in the LGBTQ community? 
Would this question about your concern for a straightspouse be rejected there? 
 


KIA KAHA                       
 

September 23, 2021 3:18 pm  #13


Re: What to do if you see it happening to someone else?

lily wrote:

Hi, yes I appreciate your input too, thanks.

Your description of your then co worker was chilling for me - a little bit less dweeby and it could have been my ex.  And it is validating - I was 19 when he decided I would make good wallpaper for his closet.  so I have been trying to think back to see what might have helped me at the time.  The thing I come up with is I had no idea he was gay.  None whatsoever, I had not come across the concept of gay in denial.

If I had received a letter at the time I would have been so surprised I don't think I'd know what to make of it, so I reckon it might help to explain it to her - that he is gay and pretending not to be, and a link to here.

Thanks for the encouragement Lily. Oh creepy that your ex is similar to my former coworker - was he a lot older than you and narcissistic too? I wonder if long distance is considered a red flag that might indicate this kind of relationship.

     Thread Starter
 

September 23, 2021 3:23 pm  #14


Re: What to do if you see it happening to someone else?

Ellexoh_nz wrote:

MiddleofJuly....why have you not posted this on an LGBTQ support board? Is it because you know that here, on a website full of straightspouses you'll get kind, helpful, encouraging advice and you won't get that if you ask it in the LGBTQ community? 
Would this question about your concern for a straightspouse be rejected there? 
 

Why does my presence here bother you so much? I'm containing myself to this thread only. Most gay people have probably never been in a long-term relationship with someone of the opposite sex unless they're maybe at least 50. I certainly haven't been - I've never even been in a relationship with a woman or even been physical with a women. It's not a topic most gay people are familiar with, whereas the people on this forum obviously are very familiar with it and can give way better advice.

     Thread Starter
 

September 23, 2021 4:14 pm  #15


Re: What to do if you see it happening to someone else?

MiddleofJuly,

Glad you'll be warning her! Longwayhome's suggestion is good, but may be for someone with more life experience.

I would suggest short and to the point so she'll remember it.  She may think a detailed letter is a prank, boring & not go past the first sentence.  22 year olds deal better with short texts rather than long emails. 

I met my late GIDXH at work when I was 25. He love bombed me, future faked...the whole narcissist script. A coworker told me he wasn't my type. I didn't know her well so didn't press on. I asked him what she meant. She was jealous. That seemed reasonable since I was younger, he was older and had a good job. She was 40ish. I dropped it.

His mask fell during our marriage. I knew what she meant finally.


No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 
 

September 23, 2021 5:01 pm  #16


Re: What to do if you see it happening to someone else?

MiddleOfJuly wrote:

...Why does my presence here bother you so much? .....
....It's not a topic most gay people are familiar with, whereas the people on this forum obviously are very familiar with it and can give way better advice.

 

I'm simply challenging your reasons for being here instead of confronting the community who perpetuate the behavior and dishonesty towards the people they marry/live with/make promises to.

Elle


KIA KAHA                       
 

September 23, 2021 9:42 pm  #17


Re: What to do if you see it happening to someone else?

he wasn't a lot older than me - 19 to 23.  He was a lot more experienced.  He was on the opposite side of the world, so when I went back to Australia with him I was now on the other side of the world and no family or friends who could maybe have warned me but you know all those people, his friends and family not one of them said to me do you know he's gay?  it's more like they thought oh good she will take care of him.  He'd already had a full blown love affair with a school friend which had ended with a theatrical head in the oven scene.  Why did I only find out about that 40 years later once I worked out all by myself he was gay in denial and got divorced?

Look sorry MOJ but I doubt if closet dwelling women will stop wanting to fool straight men into marriage and having a family any time soon.  The worst of it is it looks more like a competitive urge to me, rather than a simple maternal instinct.  By the time you get to my age the pain in a closet carrying family is making the dogs howl. 

It's a lot to face up to. 

I'm in my 60's, there's been a lot more divorce in our generation than in the previous one - and so many times it is out of the frying pan into the next one.  ie even after the children, a lot of in denial gay people will continue to remarry, going for another straight spouse again.  The closet is a way of life like the hermit crab with it's borrowed shell.

 

October 5, 2021 1:05 pm  #18


Re: What to do if you see it happening to someone else?

MiddleOfJuly, I would have a really difficult time with the question you're facing right now.  But you're asking only for perspective -- so here's my perspective: when I discovered my husband's secret life, I couldn't figure out who my "friends" were.  I suspected everybody of "knowing all along and keeping it secret from me".  And when I say "everybody" -- I was in such a state of trauma, I couldn't even figure out whether my own daughter had known all along.

I rarely ever agree with the "anonymous letter" approach, but I think in this one case it's the best of all the imperfect choices available to you.  She may not believe it immediately, but at least it's now someething she knows is lurking in the shadows.  Otherwise, she's like we all were: seeing things that never add up, and always assuming we're the crazy ones.

 

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