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September 21, 2021 3:17 pm  #1


What to do if you see it happening to someone else?

So, first off, I'm not a straight spouse. In fact, I'm not even straight. I couldn't see any rule saying you had to be a straight spouse, but maybe I didn't look hard enough - if that's the case, I apologise - and please remove my post and account. I'm a gay man (never been with a woman, so never been in an MOM or even MOR), but bear with me. Also, sorry if this topic has been done before.

I found myself in a very strange situation with a coworker at my previous firm, which I left last year. It started out with us being friendly with each other, and he seemed nice at first. In fact, at first I thought he was kind of cute and figured he had a crush on me in a socially awkward sort of way and was wondering if I wanted to go there with this quite dorky and quiet but friendly guy. That was before he started stalking me, bombarding me with cutesy messages, asking me to dinner pretty much every week, buying me gifts... It was very creepy and it seemed like he was infatuated with me. He also blew up with rage at me on one occasion over something trivial. Basically what I'm saying is that I was being "love bombed" by a narcissist. If you're wondering what relevance this has to this forum, he is now in a long-term relationship with a woman. This was extremely surprising to me because when I'd asked him about his sexuality on one occasion before this, he'd given every indication that he was not interested in women at all. He seemed to be the "ostrich with its head in the sand" type of closeted gay person - he said he never checked out women, had never dated and had never had a one-night stand. It seemed like he was a virgin from what he was saying, and I was surprised that I would even know such a person in the cosmopolitan city that I live in. I thought once I told him I was gay that was the end of it, but after I did, the stalking got so bad I had to aggressively avoid him.

I'd been avoiding him like a pro for months by the time he met his now-girlfriend, and he'd mostly given up on stalking me by that point. He met her at a casual sports club and the group was made up of men and women, whom he became good friends with. Nothing weird about that, and I thought it was great that he had a hobby and was making friends and spending time with people who presumably appreciated his company. It seemed healthy. One of his friends was a woman a lot younger than him (22, I think) and he almost 30. He basically became "bezzies" with this woman and was doing things like going to karaoke nights with her and others from the club. He gave no indication that he was attracted to her whatsoever. Then, one day out of the blue he started telling everyone at work he had a "girlfriend", and it transpired that it was the aforementioned 22 year old friend, which I found totally bizarre. Everyone had thought he was gay and was talking about this new development of him having a girlfriend behind his back. I told them I was also surprised, but I figured that somehow I must have been wrong about him. Within a week of them being officially "together" he took her home to his parents as his girlfriend (yes, one week). He posted a lot of pictures of them on social media, like he was parading his supposed heterosexuality for everyone to see. I got talking to him after work one evening and he told me that his girlfriend had told him she liked him one evening after going to the sports club, so then he said in the most dispassionate way that he'd kissed her and now they were together. He didn't even say that he was happy or that he liked her back. The other thing is that she now lives hundreds of miles from him (she was only on a temporary posting here) and they've been long distance for over a year. He is continuing to milk the status of having a girlfriend by posting sugary screenshots of the two of them on video calls with each other. It's the closeted gay man's dream - have a girlfriend whom you don't have to sleep with but whom you can parade about on social media with icky posts that your parents and everybody else can see. I suppose since she's so young, maybe she just doesn't see it. Plus she would not be expecting a man of almost 30 living in a forward-thinking society to be in the closet. It's usually older men who've grown up in a different, more homophobic generation. The whole situation is utterly bizarre to me and I do wonder if an engagement or even marriage is to follow. As far as I can see, this is the worst kind of narcissistic abuse - buttering someone up to be your straight spouse so that you can use them as a trophy wife for the sole purpose of pretending to be straight. This is what a bleeding sociopath would do. Before anyone suggests it, NO, I am not in love with this guy - I promise you I am not - nor am I jealous. I am so glad not to work with him any more and that he doesn't message me any longer. I am genuinely wondering what the right thing to do is when you think you are seeing someone wasting their best years with some narcissistic closeted creep who would presumably be very abusive if they actually relocated away from their friends and family and moved in with him. With him being an ex-coworker, I do wonder if it's even safe to reach out to his partner, as if it got back to him that I'd tried to break up his relationship, he might try to sabotage my career.

I would love to hear everyone's thoughts about what to do if you see someone who appears to find themselves in an MOR/MOM but doesn't realise it, especially when you know the non-straight partner but DON'T know the straight partner.

EDITS: I originally used the term spouse when I meant partner (forgot that spouse means married partner because I'm a dumbass.) Also changed 'MOM' to 'MOR or MOM' to reflect the fact that I've never been in any mixed-orientation relationship.

Last edited by MiddleOfJuly (September 23, 2021 3:03 pm)

 

September 21, 2021 3:44 pm  #2


Re: What to do if you see it happening to someone else?

MiddleOfJuly wrote:

So, first off, I'm not a straight spouse. In fact, I'm not even straight.....

No you don't belong here. There are LGBTQ sites to discuss your problem
 


KIA KAHA                       
 

September 21, 2021 6:47 pm  #3


Re: What to do if you see it happening to someone else?

I don't think you read his post, Ellexoh_nz.  You turned off at mention of his sexuality.

MiddleofJuly, your sexuality has nothing to do with your question other than as a basis for how you know the man in question is closeted.

The question, in its most simplified form, is: What do you do when you see a straight partner being lied to by someone you know to be closeted and abusive?

There is no simple answer.  It largely depends on the relationships you have with the straight person, and with the closeted person.

 

September 21, 2021 8:01 pm  #4


Re: What to do if you see it happening to someone else?

Victo wrote:

...

Correct. I respect his honesty but only had to read "So, first off, I'm not a straight spouse. In fact,
I'm not even straight" and replied "you don't belong here" .... in my opinion not even to ask questions.
Accept one non-straight and you set a precedent that may become hard to reverse. 

My personal view

Elle

 


KIA KAHA                       
 

September 21, 2021 8:35 pm  #5


Re: What to do if you see it happening to someone else?

Hello MiddleofJuly,

This gay man sounds like trouble.  He's stalked and harassed you.  He's abusive no matter what his sexual orientation is.

I would suggest sending an anonymous letter to the young woman.  It keeps you safe from harassment and warns her.

She may not believe it now. She may believe it later when she starts to notice red flags.


No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 
 

September 23, 2021 8:21 am  #6


Re: What to do if you see it happening to someone else?

MJM017 wrote:

Hello MiddleofJuly,

This gay man sounds like trouble. He's stalked and harassed you. He's abusive no matter what his sexual orientation is.

I would suggest sending an anonymous letter to the young woman. It keeps you safe from harassment and warns her.

She may not believe it now. She may believe it later when she starts to notice red flags.

Thank you for your thoughtful reply. I think I'm going to send her an anonymous message emphasising that I know her partner and think he is gay and fear that she is being used. I won't mention the stalking or any specifics as that would give away who I am. I will say that I'm not expecting her to just take my word for it but that instead she should think about the whole relationship and whether this idea that he's gay rings true with her, and that I wish her the best in her life.

I can only imagine what sort of emotionally abusive tactics he is employing to make her stay - emotional blackmail, future faking, tugging on her heart strings... I assumed their relationship would end after being long distance for a few months but it's been over a year now and I feel I can't just sit back and do nothing, particularly when I possibly know better than anyone else what his true orientation is likely to be.

P.S. (to everyone) I appreciate it's contentious me being on this forum when I'm not straight, but I would like to repeat that I have never had a straight spouse and don't condone this sort of behaviour one bit! It is extremely abusive! I also only ever intended to make this one thread/topic. I will NOT be posting elsewhere on the forum as I appreciate this is a forum that exists for straight spouses to support each other and not for any person who feels like joining in with a discussion. Thanks.
 

     Thread Starter
 

September 23, 2021 8:31 am  #7


Re: What to do if you see it happening to someone else?

I think what you are trying to do is commendable, I really mean that. I think it’s so important that each side understands the other.

In your letter, if I may suggest, emphasize future faking, challenge her to put it to a test, by trying to move something promised, move it up, try to get him to deliver on the promise made. Also, if they aren’t religious, ask her to send him a sexual message, see what type of response she gets back.

Good luck and thank you for your effort, it may not help, but at least you are willing to involve yourself to try to make something so wrong, right. For that, I sincerely say thank you.

Edited to clarify: seductive message, not sexual, sorry English is not my first language.

Last edited by longwayhome (September 23, 2021 9:08 am)


I never cease to wonder at the cruelty of this land, but it seems a time of sadness is a time to understand, is it mine, oh lord is it mine, when everything is dark ….. Roger Hodgson. 
 

September 23, 2021 12:03 pm  #8


Re: What to do if you see it happening to someone else?

Thank you, we need more people in the LGBTQ community to understand the real pain and damage that can occur when someone chooses to disguise their orientation by entering into a hetero-normal relationship. I understand the impulse to celebrate when people come out, but there can be another side to the story that is often overlooked. Moving on can often be easier said than done.


“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
 

September 23, 2021 12:45 pm  #9


Re: What to do if you see it happening to someone else?

Hi, yes I appreciate your input too, thanks.

Your description of your then co worker was chilling for me - a little bit less dweeby and it could have been my ex.  And it is validating - I was 19 when he decided I would make good wallpaper for his closet.  so I have been trying to think back to see what might have helped me at the time.  The thing I come up with is I had no idea he was gay.  None whatsoever, I had not come across the concept of gay in denial.

If I had received a letter at the time I would have been so surprised I don't think I'd know what to make of it, so I reckon it might help to explain it to her - that he is gay and pretending not to be, and a link to here.

 

September 23, 2021 3:07 pm  #10


Re: What to do if you see it happening to someone else?

longwayhome wrote:

I think what you are trying to do is commendable, I really mean that. I think it’s so important that each side understands the other.

In your letter, if I may suggest, emphasize future faking, challenge her to put it to a test, by trying to move something promised, move it up, try to get him to deliver on the promise made. Also, if they aren’t religious, ask her to send him a sexual message, see what type of response she gets back.

Good luck and thank you for your effort, it may not help, but at least you are willing to involve yourself to try to make something so wrong, right. For that, I sincerely say thank you.

Edited to clarify: seductive message, not sexual, sorry English is not my first language.

Thanks longwayhome, I really appreciate you encouraging me to do this. I will try to include your suggestions in my message to her.
 

     Thread Starter
 

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