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September 19, 2021 4:22 pm  #11


Re: Wife of 10 years and 2 kids on our anniversary tells me she is queer

Hi, I think the issue of trust you feel may be due to the uncertainty of the situation. Until the future becomes a bit more clear I can only suggest that you focus on yourself. Make sure you eat, exercise, spend quality time with the kids. I would avoid making any big expenditures in the immediate future. Pay down some debt. Prepare yourself for what might come next. You may need more than one plan.

Keep an eye on the kids. I'm assuming they are <10. They may be old enough to sense something is a bit wrong. At such a young age they are not able to understand the complexity of the situation. They may think it's something they did and feel pressure to fix it.


“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
 

September 19, 2021 4:43 pm  #12


Re: Wife of 10 years and 2 kids on our anniversary tells me she is queer

Ellexoh_nz wrote:

Comments in red 

Iamsoconfused wrote:

So how do I deal with all these trust issues I am having all of a sudden? Trust is the collateral damage in all this. What hurts the most is our partners/wives/husbands don't seem to 'see' trust the same as us. In my situation my partner told me I had to move on and put it behind me, the mistrust, as if the trust I had in him means nothing. It was quite unbelievable and demoralising for me. 
This weekend she went to visit a friend a few hours away for her baby shower. I was home with the kids. It was the worst weekend for me,.I am over thinking everything and all of a sudden I don't trust her despite her not giving me a reason to not trust her. She has given you a reason to feel like you can't trust her though?. But the mistrust is yours so as brutal as I may sound....you have to deal with it. At the start of my own Mindfuck I was like you, my world in disarray/confused about who I was to my partner/not wanting to lose what I had and as individuals we all do this differently (I was a wreck, I must have cried solid for a year...which was easier for me than it will be for you because my children are adults so I could concentrate on my pain. But as soon as the switch inside me flicked on and I started looking at myself as an individual, not a couple, decisions became easier to make. I actually gave myself a time limit after reading that many couples in straight/bisexual r'ships last 3 years after the initial "I think I might be gay/bisexual" admission. I decided "okay, after 3 years I'll see how I feel" In those 3 years I saw a lawyer (it's crucial to know where you stand in all this. It may feel like a really bad move, make you feel guilty but you need advice. You have little ones to think of.
I've noticed a new found energy she has a bit despite some health issues. She's doing her makeup,. Getting dressed, going out more. I can't help but think she's always decided who she is. How do I protect myself and my kids while still being supportive?
You protect yourself by thinking of yourself and your children.The new energy/make-up/going out is her being comfortable with who she is and I believe many gay/bisexual people think it's okay to have cake at home but go out  and eat it too. As for being supportive.....would you be supportive if it was a man she was going out with?  

Elle
 

Weirdly enough if she was actually going out and seeing people it would be over I think.  Seeing a man would be unforgivable but for some reason since she is attracted to women it's different? She's specifically told me that she would never do that to me while we are married and she does not want to hurt me like that. The only thing she really admitted to was saying she would date a woman if we were not married. She says she's trying to figure out if she's more than queer.  She says she's attracted to masculinity but not sure if that's a man or a woman.  She seems to think she was raised to grow up and marry a man that's she's been suppressing feelings due to Patriarchal society. She's had fantasies and fetishes about women but never acted on them. Won't tell me more than that until she's ready.

Intimacy is non existent right now and I'm craving attention and not getting it from her.  I fear this will be a deal breaker in the future and ultimately end the marriage as she has explicitly told me she's not interested in any intimate relationship at the moment.

     Thread Starter
 

September 19, 2021 5:14 pm  #13


Re: Wife of 10 years and 2 kids on our anniversary tells me she is queer

Iamsoconfused wrote:

 ...... Seeing a man would be unforgivable but for some reason since she is attracted to women it's different? Why? Why is it different? Won't tell me more than that until she's ready. Now I don't know your wife, her personality but not talking to you, not communicating will only exacerbate your confusion and mixed emotions. She should be talking to you... you deserve that respect from her'

Intimacy is non existent right now and I'm craving attention and not getting it from her. I fear this will be a deal breaker in the future and ultimately end the marriage as she has explicitly told me she's not interested in any intimate relationship at the moment.
I am no longer intimate with my partner because that is a decision I was comfortable making, after the 3 years had passed. I made that decision....with an empty heart 

Elle


KIA KAHA                       
 

September 19, 2021 7:17 pm  #14


Re: Wife of 10 years and 2 kids on our anniversary tells me she is queer

Iamsoconfused, that sounds a very confusing and deeply hurtful situation.

Keep being the steady reliable presence for your children.

I agree with Elle, I'd advise seeing a lawyer to see what divorce looks like for you - laws differ and can be complex so see a local person.

That is concrete information that can help you weigh up your own options.

 

September 19, 2021 7:52 pm  #15


Re: Wife of 10 years and 2 kids on our anniversary tells me she is queer

Welcome...yes..keep being strong and reliable for your kid. 

The trust issues your experiencing are the horribleness of the gay thing..  if she goes out with her friends are they just friends or is it a date?  I used to physically shake when my GX was out.

Build a support system for yourself  y telling some of your "close acquaintances"..namely your close family.  Do not let her isolate you.


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

September 21, 2021 11:23 pm  #16


Re: Wife of 10 years and 2 kids on our anniversary tells me she is queer

I'm so sorry for what you're going through.  You aren't alone.  You're about to start a very slow climb up a  very steep mountain.  The more support you can get from trusted family, friends, counselor, etc. the better and the easier the climb will be if they can carry some of that weight with you.  You will need their support all along the way.  One step at a time.  If she cares for you she will understand that.  

 

 

September 22, 2021 12:11 pm  #17


Re: Wife of 10 years and 2 kids on our anniversary tells me she is queer

Weirdly enough if she was actually going out and seeing people it would be over I think.  Seeing a man would be unforgivable but for some reason since she is attracted to women it's different? She's specifically told me that she would never do that to me while we are married and she does not want to hurt me like that. The only thing she really admitted to was saying she would date a woman if we were not married. She says she's trying to figure out if she's more than queer.  She says she's attracted to masculinity but not sure if that's a man or a woman.  She seems to think she was raised to grow up and marry a man that's she's been suppressing feelings due to Patriarchal society. She's had fantasies and fetishes about women but never acted on them. Won't tell me more than that until she's ready.

Intimacy is non existent right now and I'm craving attention and not getting it from her.  I fear this will be a deal breaker in the future and ultimately end the marriage as she has explicitly told me she's not interested in any intimate relationship at the moment.

The Patriarchal reference is straight from the Lesbian master doc. The reason her seeing another woman doesn’t seem to trouble you so much is you think a woman can’t replace you. This is a normal response.


And now here is my secret, a very simple secret. It is only with the heart that one can see clearly that which is essential is invisible to the eye.
 

September 22, 2021 12:18 pm  #18


Re: Wife of 10 years and 2 kids on our anniversary tells me she is queer

Ordinary guy wrote:

Weirdly enough if she was actually going out and seeing people it would be over I think.  Seeing a man would be unforgivable but for some reason since she is attracted to women it's different? She's specifically told me that she would never do that to me while we are married and she does not want to hurt me like that. The only thing she really admitted to was saying she would date a woman if we were not married. She says she's trying to figure out if she's more than queer.  She says she's attracted to masculinity but not sure if that's a man or a woman.  She seems to think she was raised to grow up and marry a man that's she's been suppressing feelings due to Patriarchal society. She's had fantasies and fetishes about women but never acted on them. Won't tell me more than that until she's ready.

Intimacy is non existent right now and I'm craving attention and not getting it from her.  I fear this will be a deal breaker in the future and ultimately end the marriage as she has explicitly told me she's not interested in any intimate relationship at the moment.

The Patriarchal reference is straight from the Lesbian master doc. The reason her seeing another woman doesn’t seem to trouble you so much is you think a woman can’t replace you. This is a normal response.

She's not seeing anyone right now or is she interested from what she told me. She said she wouldn't do that while we are married.  So really I'm just trying to be the best husband and father that I can be while we works with her therapist.

I've been having good days and bad days.  The better days seem to be when she is around as we still have a family dynamic.  She's she out and I am with the kids is when I go crazy and can feel my stress levels going up.  It's hard for me to be away from her right now.  I think it's the first issues that I am having.  At this point who knows what is going to happen.

     Thread Starter
 

September 22, 2021 2:41 pm  #19


Re: Wife of 10 years and 2 kids on our anniversary tells me she is queer

Iamsoconfused wrote:

.........I've been having good days and bad days. The better days seem to be when she is around as we still have a family dynamic. She's she out and I am with the kids is when I go crazy and can feel my stress levels going up. It's hard for me to be away from her right now. ......

 

Confused.....Reading this has picked me up an taken me back a few years to the turmoil and confusion of actually thinking I'd be totally lost without the man who seemed to be pulling away from me, a little each day, and if I never went anywhere....all would be well and nothing would change.I'd get upset & emotional if, say, he went for a walk and was away for too long. I would badger him "where have you been, who did you see!" I even declined an all-expenses paid trip to the US because I thought he'd be gone when I came back. I look back to the 3 years my mother was bedridden, slowly dying, and I cared more about potrntially losing the person I thought I had to hold on to and never lose. I look back and regret the moments I lost with her, it will be heavy piece of my heart always.

It took me months of work on myself to accept that I can't change what he thinks, can't (and shouldn't) attempt to fix whatever 'I' think is wrong with him. He never thought in terms of losing anything, even me. He's quite empty emotionally.

So. You There is a shift that has to happen in your mindset. You have to see yourself differently, you have to appreciate yourself as the man your friends know, the son/brother your family talk to, the father your children see  every day, and accept that your wife has her own journey and, even when she's there with you, that ultimately she'll have to travel it alone because she's looking for herself the individual, not her part of the couple.

Wow....if I had said that to me 3-4 years ago I would have laughed and said "get outa here...it's not that bad". to the Forum members who told me some of their own truths that I kinda dismissed but which stayed with me as I've become more able to see how I had lost a huge part of who I was.

"you don't have to give up to let go"  https://youtu.be/NKueb2N6Cfc

Elle
 


KIA KAHA                       
 

September 22, 2021 5:04 pm  #20


Re: Wife of 10 years and 2 kids on our anniversary tells me she is queer

iamconfused,

I can imagine how stressful it is for you to watch and wait.  Would it help to tell your wife your fears, if you haven't already?  I do hope she's supporting you.

It may help to visit your own therapist to see you through this uncertain time. A high level of stress is unhealthy for your mind and body. They can help you set clear boundaries with your wife such as giving her a time limit to decide on your future together.  It's fair to you to know when you'll have your answer.

Take care.

Maria

Edited to fix spellcheck problem.

Last edited by MJM017 (September 22, 2021 5:49 pm)


No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 
 

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