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June 26, 2021 7:58 am  #11

Re: 4868 days

Dear Ordinary guy,

I had 20 years of marriage to a man who stopped having sex with me after a year. He stopped working. I was his personal bank. I know what you're saying: it's hard to accept one human being would do this to another. It's hard to accept his love was a lie and he conned me. He wasn't interested in me but in men. He never admitted it because he would lose his free, all expenses paid lifestyle. You aren't alone. I felt like a chump. My marriage was a big black hole with nothing to show for it.

I could be wrong and this may not happen, but usually gays in denial stay in the closet. They have a lifetime of experience reading people and fooling them to believe otherwise. They are masters at it. They can beat the smartest person in the room & convince them they're straight although they really aren't.

Am guessing you know what your wife is and isn't. It's not worth waiting to find out. Odds are in her favor she'll never tell you. My late GIDXH was also a master of abuse. I couldn't out maneuver him because I was unwilling to stoop to his level. Winning is not playing with a manipulator.

As others have said, you never know what can happen after you leave the stress behind. You may just meet some nice women who want to date a nice guy like you. Peace of mind shows you how much life has to offer. It did for me. It was vastly different from the narrow life view my late GIDXH wanted me to see.

Keep posting and venting. It helps. It helps me.

Take care of yourself!

Best, Maria

No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 

June 26, 2021 11:50 am  #12

Re: 4868 days

The thing about your story OG that I resonated with so much is that lack of proof.  No confirmation.  The only evidence I had was myself - the low state I was in, I was in a bad way.  That and the persistent feeling of my gut instinct.  

That changed after I left him.  Then an old friend who knew him since school days spilled the beans on him.  I am grateful for the confirmation and it helped me piece things together, what had actually been happening behind my back but I also wish she had told me when we were young.  

Or any time sooner, the damage from being in the hands of an emotionally abusive manipulator had just got worse with time.  When we stopped having sex at all that was better, I was starting to recover, but then I was still being ankle-tapped when I got moving.

So yeah I was gutsy Elle.  I'm like the mouse with a loud squeak.  I actually saw that once.  My cat had a mouse cornered, bailed up in the corner of the room nowhere to hide.  No escape.  It was really scared, trembling and then suddenly it squeaked really loudly.  Both me and the cat were surprised, taken aback and in that instant the mouse ran for it, running right past her, and escaped under the sofa. 

being under the sofa is a vast improvement to playing pat a cake with a cat.

Timelines bring their own proof.  Something that makes sense to your heart.  Is he my lover?  No, he is not.



July 5, 2021 11:04 am  #13

Re: 4868 days

Ordinary Guy, have you ever heard of Lundy Bancroft, he worked with abusers as a counselor, he mostly helps the people who abusers hurt now. He is a specialist in providing guidance on how one should proceed with child custody with a narcissist spouse.

Google him, he has videos and books. He can walk you through what you need to know, how to best handle the chaos they will attempt to create.

Document, document, dot your Is and cross your Ts. Document all witnesses who have observed their behaviours, as a starting point.

This reference was given to me by Out of His Closet. It was the most valuable start I could have been given. I hope it serves you as well as it served me. Best of luck, breath.

Last edited by longwayhome (July 5, 2021 11:10 am)

I can almost see it, That dream I'm dreaming...There's always gonna be another mountain, I'm always gonna wanna make it move...The Climb - Miley Cyrus

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