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- Qwerty
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Re: Fork in the road
Thank you for the input Dutchman. I react with the truth, it is the only way for me. I just can't lie. So I am not doing myself any favours there but there is not much of a choice, she is opeñ to couples couñcelling when I am ready for it, but I think it is still too early forthat. Doing seperate therapy for now but am hitting a dead end with it. Will see if my therapist thinks if it is too early or not, I hate living in the closet, unable to communicate with my partner and under a sex embargo because she can't get the so out of her head. The injustice... I am being patient but I can't take my reaction when she tells me something. Nor should I. I guess it is what it is.He needs to open up over the next few years or I will be forced to leave. I can't live in a relationship where we can't talk about everything openly.
- Dutchman
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Re: Fork in the road
Qwerty,
it's very important that you two can realy communicate (or learn to), this is a big thing in any marriage but even more so in a MOM. It's not just about being open about sexual feelings, coming out of the closet etc, but rather like developing possitive communication patterns. It's a skill that can be learned as a couple, and is the essential tool to work things out further.
Thing is that neither you nor your wife can learn this during individual therapy. That's why I think you need to find some help for this as a couple. It's not clear to me why you consider this too early. When you start on a repair or construction job, first thing you get are the tools you need.
Of course couples counseling won't be limited to improving communication skills, but I think it will start there. And I don't think this will take years.
I could be wrong this being an important obstacle in your situation at the moment, but I get the impression from your earlier posts this aspect isn't functioning like it should/could. It could well be this started to trouble your relationship much sooner than the crisis that emerged a couple of months ago.
- Qwerty
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Re: Fork in the road
Been working on my relationship.from day 1 on my own accord. Seems to work but painfully slow. Hoping to get into couples counselling in two weeks but I had to drag her there. Things are much better but communication is still difficult. I still feel like I am leading all the time and she feels like there is nothing to say. Things are improving and she is working hard, but it is difficult. On days like today I just feel so damned lonely. Going on 8 months now without getting laid. It just hurts my soul. On nights like this I just want to curl up into a ball and wake up on the other side. I don't think she has any idea how much this is hurting me. Im desperate for this to work and we did agree to wait u til she works her s*** out but I just did not expect it to take this long.
- •
Thread Starter- lily
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Re: Fork in the road
Qwerty, sorry you are feeling lonely, that is how I felt in my marriage.
when you talk about having to drag her to couples counselling, you having to take the lead all the time and no sex for 8 months I wonder what the 'working hard' means - what is she doing to merit that assessment?
what shit is she working out - her relationship with her girlfriend?
you could try setting a time frame rather than leaving it open ended. That is what worked for me. I wasn't getting answers, as usual, and so I said you have three months to give me answers. It didn't get me any answers but it put the ground under my feet. No answers was my answer.
- MJM017
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Re: Fork in the road
Qwerty,
Sorry you are going through this pain. I think this is part of the straight partner experience regardless of the path you choose.
It does take time to work through it. If this were me, I would ask my spouse if she truly and really wants to continue with this process. You can emphasize you won't be angry with her answer but be accepting. She does sound like she's delaying this. I could be wrong.
She may be trying to please you or save embarrassment from her secret being known to her friends, your kids and family. I often think the non-straight spouse is not confused about their orientation. They are afraid of the consequences of leaving the closet. It's a cold world out there.
I don't believe you are doing anything wrong to get to a MOM, or your feelings of wanting intimacy are wrong. Maybe she's not doing anything wrong either. I would suggest asking her if she believes you could do something better to improve your communication to her.
I have no experience with being in a known MOM. My late GIDXH was a scammer and had psychopathic tendencies. He was not for anyone - gay or straight. Prison was the place for him. His issues had little to do with being gay.
I'm trying to act out of common sense and that you want a MOM.
Best to you, qwerty, your wife and family.
No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa