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June 13, 2021 4:23 pm  #31

Re: So confused by all the secrets..

Please WF, time to be smart and stay focused on staying safe.  Try not to even think the word gay.  Keep staying in touch with your support team - family friends doctor whomever you have that is helping you.

Personally speaking, in answer to your question yes my ex's best friend was in the picture, he got married too, his wife was in the closet it turned out, so out of the four of us I was the only one who was straight.


June 13, 2021 5:07 pm  #32

Re: So confused by all the secrets..

Yes, stay safe! That’s the most important part.

I didn’t factor the gay part into leaving, to be honest. (He was GID). It was his anger, abuse  and refusal to get a job after 6 years of unemployment. I bided my time until the opportunity was right. It was after he passed away and safe that I seriously looked into TGT. It’s the root of why the marriage was a sham and why it’s taking so long to heal.

Yes, he had one married friend who he knew for 20 years.. This friend supposedly hated his wife who was a witch.  It was a year into the marriage. They had married because it was required for her paid FT minister’s job. It made no sense to me. I asked for clarification. He gave me word salad.

This is the male friend he posted an FB message to about the teen boy they had fun with.  This friend passed away unexpectedly and relatively young a few years before GIDXH. They both had fatal heart attacks. This friend & his “wife” were married for a few years only.

Last edited by MJM017 (June 13, 2021 5:09 pm)

No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 

October 8, 2021 4:41 pm  #33

Re: So confused by all the secrets..

I realize this is not an acceptable relationship to me and I’ve been working to get out of it for over year. This has included retaining an attorney (he has done the same), lots of legal bs back and fourth (mostly him trying to paint himself as the victim), and a failed mediation. I feel so trapped. Realizing I’ve been married to a man with a secret closet for almost 14 years is a lot to deal with, and now he seems to be dragging it out and I feel even more trapped. He even said recently “you don’t just get to decide you’re done with your husband.” That’s kind of how marriage works, and he’s been doing his own thing for years, it’s time I had a chance to live my life. Meanwhile he’s spending a great deal of time with a male friend and I NEVER would have thought they were anything more than hunting friends. Now I’m honestly not so sure, it doesn’t matter but why won’t he just move on? Is he scared to be without a beard? I really don’t care if he’s gay/bi I wish he’d just decide to live an honest life, but ultimatley that is up to him. I just want out, desperatley.  It seems like recently the puzzle pieces of my life fell into place realizing he is gay. Especially the mood swings if he couln't meet a "friend", the constant talking to male "friends", seems like it was right infront of my face and I didn't see it. The way he would almost frantically have to get out of the house, and away from me. The lies and he was spending time with a male "friend". When we started the seperation process and I couldn't trust him I stopped having sex with him, that was 18 months ago. Wouldn't a cheater hetero be off with another chick by now? He still wears his wedding ring. He has really no femenine qualities, like steriotypical gay (and he always "couldn't stand men like that). It feels almost unreal. How much therapy is going to be required after this? He sadly will likely deny until he dies.

Last edited by WF2020 (October 8, 2021 5:00 pm)

     Thread Starter

October 8, 2021 7:38 pm  #34

Re: So confused by all the secrets..

WF2020, They don't make extracting yourself from the marriage easy, do they? I'm so sorry.

In my opinion, he wants you to feel trapped, so he is going to continue to try to make this as difficult for you as possible, you knew that, so he isn't disappointing, is he

Don’t pay any attention to what he is doing, all efforts on you , your goals, your self-care. He will purposely put things in front of you to distract, to confusion and above all else weaken you by using up your emotional strength. Stay in your truths, always, not on what he is doing.

Know he will want to play games with you, he will try to make you jump over hoops all the while trying to emotionally drain/abuse you. He will create any delay for you that he can think of. You block him wherever you can via lawyers where possible. You try to stay one step ahead, listen to your intuition, you now know this man best - know he will never willingly play fair with you, so you need to be ethically manipulative when all else fails, not ever in a destructive way to either of you. That’s the safest way, never mind what behaviours he demonstrated. Just offering my opinions.

It's really sad, its normal to get tired and get tired of dealing with all of it and yet it just keeps coming our way. We really are an energy source for them. For these stbxs' it's all about control. Self-care as much as possible in this difficult phase, lots of self-compassion too. ok.

I believe he is weakening, he is getting tired and this is when you need the most awareness around you because it can get messy emotionally with him during this phase because he is starting to feel tired and the meanest will just increase, it''s a given (strong, strong boundaries).

It may not seem like it but he is tired too, look closely at him next time. You have to stay as strong as possible in this phase. Look at it like the last fight in the boxing ring with him and muster all your mental/emotional strength and give it one final punch or two (as an analogy)...Yes, you've got this. Hugs, stay strong.

These podcasts might be helpful to you:
Divorcing an abuser 101 : https://www.btr.org/divorcing-an-abuser-101/
Avoiding chaos in the courtroom: https://www.btr.org/wendy-hernandez-part-1/

Last edited by longwayhome (October 8, 2021 8:10 pm)

I never cease to wonder at the cruelty of this land, but it seems a time of sadness is a time to understand, is it mine, oh lord is it mine, when everything is dark ….. Roger Hodgson. 

February 27, 2022 9:23 am  #35

Re: So confused by all the secrets..

My boyfriend does exact same thing. He always stops at places for 5 to 10 mins, goes in woods, i think he has Grindr and is meeting up with men 4 hook ups


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