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June 3, 2021 2:30 pm  #11

Re: Still Confused

Thank you for your thoughts Upside. It’s so funny how when we don’t want to believe something we find excuses when we know the truth deep down. I think I have always had a feeling but never wanted to face it. And now that I have confirmed I don’t know what to do with it. His dad is extremely homophobic so it makes sense for him to hide it all his life. What makes me think anything will change now. Especially that there is more at stake with a family, business etc. I have reached out to an attorney to help with possible next steps and a counselor to help with all of my built up anger and pain.


June 4, 2021 10:49 am  #12

Re: Still Confused

I'm proud of you RAR. Having more information can help you make the best decision.

When I joined this forum I also shared my story. As I unfurled the mountain of evidence I'd uncovered of my wife's affairs with men and women, I was so hopeful that I was misreading it all. But the reality was so very clear to anyone who has been through this. As my wife begged me back that "she could change" I gave in to the hopes of this promised future. I didn't listen to the sage advice here. We went into counseling and I stopped the divorce.

It's a year later. 

My only advice from the other end of the rainbow is that you can't change a person's character flaws. A cheater is a cheater, always. And many couples counselors are blind to the fact that cheating is a problem. As my wife began cheating again (during a pandemic *sigh*) the counselor was confused why I didn't want to have an open marriage. I had to hold my jaw from dropping.

If your husband chose to hide, lie, and manipulate for self-benefit, odds are it will happen again. I don't say this to add more to your plate, just to highlight that time is a finite resource. Delaying action is what your husband wants. It's the state he created. If you choose couples counseling, creating a mental deadline for him to step up can help make sure he respects your time, not simply future fakes for years to come, as he has done so far.

Last edited by Upside (June 4, 2021 10:50 am)


June 5, 2021 1:10 pm  #13

Re: Still Confused

He was not sexually aggressive either. We only had sex 2x on honeymoon. He travelled for work as well and would be unaccounted for. My birthday 5 years ago I requested no present; I just wanted birthday sex. The man fell asleep before I could get in bed and never apologized, reschelduled, etc. He had a plethora of excuses to not sleep in my bed.  Last time we had sex he struggled. Everyone feels he is the nicest guy. He hid things from me too. Do you deserve a spouse who would hide Viagra from you? Why would a spouse hide Viagra from you. A good husband would suck up his pride and say, "Honey, I am having issues with getting an erection and am going to see the Dr about getting some Viagra for US." We would have sex maybe 4x per year at best.

I now know that he watched (hidden) gay porn in our home.  I now know that he would go watch gay porn while away on business trips and has been physical with other men while watching gay porn; but I don't know to what extent. It doesn't matter anymore. I know that he has not kept his vows, lied to me and gaslit me. He has not met my needs and requests. He has put his desires first. I know enough to know that I deserve better than this!

I am you RAR1027! This is you 6 months from now speaking. I am firmly holding your shoulders and looking you directly in the eye. I say this with love. I am so sorry for what you have been through, what you are going through and what you are about to (I hope) go through; but please read the first aid thread. Journal, journal, journal so that you can see through the fog and see the light at the end of the tunnel (it's not a train). It's time to finally put your needs and your kids needs first. Is this the example of marriage that you want your kids to model?


June 5, 2021 2:43 pm  #14

Re: Still Confused


Glad you reached out to others. It makes a world of difference.

There are lots of reasons people stay in the closet. What makes or breaks the relationship in my opinion is if the closeted partner tells the complete truth and tries to make amends.  The closet door stays shut if that fails to happen. Or if they walk it back. The same behavior as before remains in my experience.   

Your post jogged my memory of my ex’s using Viagra to help him in our bedroom.  He took it. No results.  His face turned red, so he didn’t pretend to swallow the pill. It works only if you’re sexually aroused. He said he was.   :-|

I hope all goes well for you!


No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 

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