Straight Spouse Network Open Forum
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This Open Forum is funded and administered by the Straight Spouse Network (SSN), a 501(c)(3) nonprofit that provides support to straight spouses and partners who have discovered that their spouse/partner isn’t straight. The results from SSN’s Annual Summer Donation Drive are in! Together with your help, SSN raised $16,381 during our annual Summer Donation Drive! That’s 109% of our goal! Learn more about how the funds will be utilized.

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Straight Spouse Network Open Forum

This Open Forum is funded and administered by the Straight Spouse Network (SSN), a 501(c)(3) nonprofit that provides support to straight spouses and partners who have discovered that their spouse/partner isn’t straight. Your donations allow us to provide important support and resources that straight spouses can't find anywhere else.


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April 6, 2021 3:40 am  #1


Newbie

So my husband and I have been together for 8 years married for 5 and have a 3 year old daughter. When I first met my husband he has a drinking problem that was replacing the drug prone he had years prior. Things seemed normal in our relationship until he got drunk one night and put on my lingerie and told me he was a fucked up person. He broke up with me soon after and then I found him on Craigslist cross dressing and looking for a man. We got back together and talked about it. He said he was with a man before me but he just figured he was bi. He still like to cross dress and so
I allowed him to do so because I wanted him
To be himself. He eventually got sober and the cross dressing stopped.  He had talked to some gay men but never acted on it. He had two affairs but with women. Once right before our one year wedding anniversary. He had a one night stand with a women he met at a bar. I forgave him and we worked through it. He promised he would never hurt me again. We went on a vacation together that summer reconnecting our love for one another and he for sober and has been sober for almost 4 years now. Fast forward to now...he just told me a month ago he had an affair with another women the summer of 2019 for a month. It was purely sexual and no feelings were involved. He ended it because he felt bad. So now we are in marriage counseling trying to fix us. Then he hits me with that he would like to be with a guy because he is confused so I agreed to open our marriage and let him explore. We both made bumble profiles to look for the same sex.now the cross dressing started back up just before we opened the marriage up. Now it has stopped since he started talking to men because it seems all the gay guys he talks to do not like the cross dressing. When I asked him about why he isn’t dressing up anymore he says he just isn’t feeling it. I know he’s lying and trying to repress that part of himself to be accepted by a man. I am bisexual too but lean more Towards men. I like playing with women but have been completely faithful to my husband. He’s been talking to a guy and they are going to meet this weekend at a hotel. I am very hurt but I know he needs to know who he is. I’m so scared that this is the end of the road for us. I can’t wrap my head around it completely. He’s one of the most important men in my life and this time last year I lost my dad to a heart attack and now I feel like I’m grieving all over again by losing another man in my life. He said we will remain best friends no matter what and continue to raise our daughter together and keep living together. I keep holding on to hope that he is just bi and that he will be running back to me in no time and want to
Fix what we have. I think I’m just in denial or being crazy because I’m still head
Over heels in love with him!

 

April 6, 2021 6:14 am  #2


Re: Newbie

Scared, Welcome to the forum. If you haven't read the First Aid Kit, I would strongly recommend you read it. I say the following with kindness, I think both you and your husband need to speak with a therapist, separately. These marriages can be harmful.

Even if your husband or as you say you yourself, being bisexual doesn't give anyone a free pass, right? I think your husband is being very selfish, but then again that seems to be a trait among these spouses.

You are very much going through the grieving process, this experience is very much like that. Remember, the most important person in your marriage - is actually you. I caution you not to loose yourself in this roller coaster ride you are embarking on.

Lean into your feelings, don't suppress them. Post here as much as needed, people here are kind and will help you through this experience. Lots of wisdom in this forum.

Take care you and your child. You have to look after you first because truthfully the vast majority of these spouses will not rise to the occasion, not even for the sake of their child, that is the sad truth.

Stay strong!

 

April 6, 2021 8:16 am  #3


Re: Newbie

Welcome, Scared. I am sorry you have to be here.  

Based on what you've said in your post, it appears that your husband has an addictive personality (drugs, alcohol, sex), lies to you, cheats and cannot be believed or trusted.  You said he needs to have sex with a man to find out who he really is.  I do not think that is going to reveal anything to him.  He appears to be confused and messed up.  You said he wants to be best friends with you and continue living together.  Is that the kind of marriage that you want or need?  He is looking to you to be his anchor while he goes off on his sexual exploration expedition.  

I echo longwayhome that you each need your own therapist.  

I personally experienced three years of my husband cross-dressing, then deciding he didn't want to do it, then realizing he couldn't give it up, then thinking he was really a woman, then he wanted to have sex with men.  He did not know who he was, so how could he be a husband to me? 

I hope you can find some peace and resolution through this difficult journey.  Like longwayhome said, take care of yourself and your child.  Find someone you trust to confide in.  Post on this board.  I wish you all the best. 

 

April 6, 2021 12:47 pm  #4


Re: Newbie

I'm sorry you are here, but glad you found us.  The statement at the end of your post reveals a lot:  

" I keep holding on to hope that he is just bi and that he will be running back to me in no time and want to
Fix what we have."

This is a real straight spouse predicament.  We often want to hold on to what we thought we had, and have trouble processing the truth of what we actually have.  In my case, I thought I had a loving, heterosexual, hard-working wife who was my best friend and the mother of our three beautiful children.  What I actually had was an in-denial lesbian who had a year-long affair with a woman and proclaimed she didn't want to be married to me any more.

And I didn't want what I actually had.  I wouldn't have signed up for that in the first place.

Good luck.  Take care of you as others have said.  Keep sharing your story and benefit from the collective wisdom of (too) many others who have been there already.

 

April 6, 2021 2:15 pm  #5


Re: Newbie

Scared - all the cheating, the broken promise not to hurt you again, and now more cheating but you are still over heels in love with him - you sound to me more like a straight spouse than a bisexual.

eventually, when I realised my ex was always going to keep on hurting me, I knew I had to help myself and I stopped looking to him for emotional support and things got better from there.

 

 

April 6, 2021 8:35 pm  #6


Re: Newbie

Scared, its a rotten predicament for sure. The fact is You are married to a cheater who is manipulating you into consenting to his cheating on you.  Sounds like you got married expecting monogamy and you have been faithful.  Your spouse has not. If he wanted affairs with other women, would you open your marriage to that?  Cheating is an abusive and cruel act of massive entitlement by a person of bad character.  Its not to do with sexual orientation its to do with bad character.  If you had a friend who told you the story you have shared with us what would you think?  Would you be angry that they were being put through this nightmare by their spouse?  Looking at my own story that way made me realise my situation was totally unacceptable to me, awful, unworkable, and harmful for me and my children and despite still loving my spouse I got out and divorced him. And I'm so glad 4 years later. I loved who i thought he was, not the nasty abusive, manipulative, selfish, entitled person he showed himself to be. The real him I'll be happy if i never see again.

Put you and your child first.  Best of luck and be strong as you move forward with honesty and wisdom.

Last edited by Soaplife (April 6, 2021 8:36 pm)

 

April 7, 2021 2:16 pm  #7


Re: Newbie

Hi Scared, Welcome and I’m sorry you find yourself here.

It’s really hard to wait on someone to change to what you want him to be. It could happen tomorrow or never happen. You just don’t know.

My suggestion would be to know what you really want for yourself and your child.  It helps me to relax through meditation or seeing a wise and sympathetic counselor to work out solutions to problems. 

I hope you can work out what’s best for you and your daughter’s future.


No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 
 

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