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July 5, 2020 7:36 pm  #1


Straight Women Whose Husbands Came Out As Gay In Mid to Later Life

I thought this study from the National University of Ireland, Galway, might be helpful. It describes the stages of the wives discovery to their processing it and moving on with their lives. It's quite hopeful.

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6117068/


No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 
 

July 13, 2020 1:09 pm  #2


Re: Straight Women Whose Husbands Came Out As Gay In Mid to Later Life

Very interesting study, thanks for sharing!

I know this studied women who had husbands come out, but I think many of the same emotions, stories and themes hold true for those of us who had our wives come out.

 

July 13, 2020 4:12 pm  #3


Re: Straight Women Whose Husbands Came Out As Gay In Mid to Later Life

You're welcome, 99bob!  Absolutely when you substitute lesbian for gay man. 

The minority of the straight wives left the marriage. These are older women. They may have not had the funds to initiate a divorce.

I know Ireland has a somewhat conservative culture. I was surprised when I read in the study most of the women's therapists championed the  husband's "coming out of the closet" rather than helping the suffering straight spouses.  :-(

Here's a summary of it. I should have posted it the first time around (with a caveat at the end):

Loss, anger, spousal empathy and concerns regarding societal prejudice were reported. Additional stress was experienced when others minimised the experience due to the gay sexual orientation of their husband. Experiencing positive communication with their husband during and after the disclosure aided the resolution of the emotional injury experienced by them. They all eventually ‘let go’ of their husband. This involved a process of reconceptualising the self as separated. Findings indicate the importance of supporting women to re-focus on their needs during and following marital dissolution. The importance of non-judgemental support for marital loss, rather than a focus on the gay sexual orientation of the spouse, was highlighted.

-------
The bolded sentence is not true for some of us. The late GIDXH's homosexuality didn't drive my intense desire to divorce him - the physical and financial abuse was.  During the healing and grieving, it's become very important. It's hard to put into words.

A well-planned deception to prop him up. It was a courting and marriage representing his hatred and his seeking revenge. Like a stranger assaulting you on the street. He impulsively had to discharge his anger. There you were at the wrong place and wrong time - an innocent victim.

I have to think about this one more.


No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 
     Thread Starter
 

July 14, 2020 1:33 pm  #4


Re: Straight Women Whose Husbands Came Out As Gay In Mid to Later Life

There have been quite a lot of studies as to why women put up with the entitlement, arrogance, abuse and just plain assholeness of these scumbags.  There are very, very few studies as to why the men do this.  The book someone brought up on here "Why Does He Do That" starts to address this question but seems to halt and start again by fits.  I know that I myself have felt sorry for him, wanted to beat him to death with a baseball bat and been just plain contemptuous of his cowardice.  The love, respect and affection I held for him and held so dear to myself has all but vanished.  Where did ne go?  My epifany of understanding the reason for the lies still stands ike a beacon to me.  "If I were doing these sneaky, filthy, nasty,, underhanded, lowlife and stupid things - I would probably lie about it too".  He was my world and that is now in ashes.  Give up, move on, cut him off, out or whatever - these things would be almost like a blessing to him and a vindication for him in that the lives women DO NOT MATTER.  I do know that he will self destruct and I see it happening, actually, before my eyes.  Almost like a drug addict.  And so, I remain as a reminder of what he has done to me and to us and to himself.  Happy Days!

Last edited by TwistingInTheWind (July 14, 2020 1:35 pm)

 

July 26, 2020 6:16 pm  #5


Re: Straight Women Whose Husbands Came Out As Gay In Mid to Later Life

I just registered for this site this morning, and have spent the entire day slowly reading through the study. I'm glad I found this today. It is my youngest son's 35th birthday and also the day that he has finally admitted what I've suspected since before our couples counseling began...he is ready to move on. We are already separated, so (luckily) this information was delivered by email...he wanted to come by to talk about it.

There is a lot to process in the study. I've made a list of my work. Our 49th Anniversary would have been mid-September. I just wanted to say thanks for posting it. Emotionally drained...that's all I've got for now.

 

July 26, 2020 7:53 pm  #6


Re: Straight Women Whose Husbands Came Out As Gay In Mid to Later Life

I read it all....and went through a whole range of emotion, from
"yes, see! this is is how my life is!"....to..
" I felt that/experienced that!"......and....
"....but....but.....I'm not at that point yet".......to..
"will I ever get to that point"....and...
"....so there is a light at the end of this?

It made me sad, that I get to feel empathy for my fellow straightspouses through our shared stories 
while being aware that our spouses will never feel the same

Elle


KIA KAHA                       
 

August 2, 2020 5:12 pm  #7


Re: Straight Women Whose Husbands Came Out As Gay In Mid to Later Life

aamccaffrey wrote:

I just registered for this site this morning, and have spent the entire day slowly reading through the study. I'm glad I found this today. It is my youngest son's 35th birthday and also the day that he has finally admitted what I've suspected since before our couples counseling began...he is ready to move on. We are already separated, so (luckily) this information was delivered by email...he wanted to come by to talk about it.

There is a lot to process in the study. I've made a list of my work. Our 49th Anniversary would have been mid-September. I just wanted to say thanks for posting it. Emotionally drained...that's all I've got for now.

 Hello aamcaffrey,

Welcome to the club no one wants to join. I am sorry you were left in the dark all these years. Take your time to process our posts and get a support network started of friends, family, counselors, etc. The women in the study came to grips with this and became stronger. You can too. Take care!


No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 
     Thread Starter
 

August 4, 2020 4:07 pm  #8


Re: Straight Women Whose Husbands Came Out As Gay In Mid to Later Life

Thank you for posting the link. My situation is similar enough that I’m sure I will learn a lot from reading it.

 

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