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June 24, 2020 1:03 pm  #11

Re: I'm struggling today

Wouldn't you like to just get off this merry-go-round?  


June 24, 2020 1:27 pm  #12

Re: I'm struggling today

Yes, God, yes.

     Thread Starter

June 24, 2020 5:08 pm  #13

Re: I'm struggling today

Do I think there was anything significant about your husband and his roommate's pranks pretending to be gay?  I truthfully do not know, but I am not a guy.  Maybe one of the men on this board could comment on that.  It sounds like a juvenile response, at best, and a repudiation/denial of homosexuality at worst. 

In my personal experience, I've learned that single factors/red flags don't mean much.  You have to consider behavior as whole.  

Also, personally, my husband was engaged in these exchanges when he was 60+ years old so it could not be passed off as frat boy humor.  I truly saw nothing funny about it at all.  

Hope this helps.  


June 24, 2020 6:22 pm  #14

Re: I'm struggling today

Thank you everyone for your responses and thank you Longwayhome for the blog suggestion. He is definitely a narcissist-there are no 2 ways about it. I’m just not sure if he’s gay. I don’t know why I feel this way but him being a narcissist alone isn’t enough reason for me to leave him. I don’t know why. Maybe because I feel like I should’ve known this about him or should have seen it coming or maybe I could’ve done a better job at standing my ground and being independent.

I know that there has always been something missing in our marriage. I know he doesn’t love me like I see other men love their wives. I feel like I’m at a breaking point. I’m so miserable. I appreciate everyone’s feedback. It means so much to me.

     Thread Starter

June 24, 2020 7:16 pm  #15

Re: I'm struggling today

 I'm not saying this is true for your husband but it was for mine.  In the three years before my now-ex dropped his trans bomb on me, his behavior was strange.  He spent a lot of time after I went to bed online, and a couple of times when in the wee hours I got up, walked down the stairs and leaned over the railing to ask if  if he was coming to bed soon, he started as if either he was doing something he didn't want me to find out about, or was so engrossed he wasn't aware of me until I'd spoken.  He was quick to anger, and went out of his way to let me know he was unhappy about me, although he wouldn't say what exactly he wanted me to do to change.  It was just as if by being me, by being there, I was a problem.  He was spending a lot of time in the bathroom in the mornings, and taking his Ipad in there with him.  He was unhappy with me, with his life, and he was clearly talking to people other than me, and his behavior got increasingly bizarre.  
  Unbeknownst to me, during these years he was "exploring" transness.  He was spending time on trans websites, on porn sites, and he was also talking with and meeting an ex-student of his and telling me that "for a change" he was "having fun."  (Turns out she was "counseling him" on his gender identity and gender dysphoria.)  And the more he explored, the more self-centered and narcissistic he was, and his feelings of entitlement escalated--as did his devaluing of me, even as his demands of me--including his sexual demands--escalated.  
  It wasn't until he actually dropped that trans bomb that I had a way to explain his behavior.  I'd been operating in the dark, only seeing the behavior but with no way to understand it.
  It seems to me that's where you are now.  And another of my points is that narcissistic entitlement and bizarro behavior tend to accompany a spouse's struggles over their sexuality.


June 24, 2020 9:02 pm  #16

Re: I'm struggling today

[b]being a narcissist alone isn’t enough reason for me to leave him. I don’t know why. [/b]

Oh yes it is enough of a reason!

I know that there has always been something missing in our marriage. I know he doesn’t love me like I see other men love their wives. I feel like I’m at a breaking point. I’m so miserable. I appreciate everyone’s feedback. It means so much to me.

Karis, as in my situation, and many others, take out the gay part in your husband and you are already in an abusive, unhealthy relationship. I'm 100% sure you deserve better than that. Shortly after I left my husband he said to me, "you deserve to be someone's everything and treated like a queen". Imagine that?! 
We know in our heart and soul when we are truly being loved, cherished and desired. I wondered why my husband didn't chase me around the house, didn't react when he saw me naked. It was just the two of us, free as you can be, but not once did we have wild sex after work or in the morning before leaving. Never impulsive, lusty, I gotta have you kind of sex....It's just so devastating when your partner doesn't crave you.
You are miserable and feeling unfulfilled, take care of yourself and rise above this. I

The note I left in the kitchen the day I left him was:

"I've tried, but I can't make you love me the way a husband should love his wife."

You can use that anytime you're ready lol
He didn't quite 'get it' he said, but actually I am pretty sure he did.


Last edited by Simpatica (June 24, 2020 9:02 pm)


June 25, 2020 10:12 am  #17

Re: I'm struggling today

You are right Simpactica. A lot of times I ask myself...would I want my daughter to have a husband like mine? The answer is a resounding "NO!" So why would I want something better for others but not for myself? I don't know. It feels new, I guess, for me to be seeing things in a new light. Before I just went along with everything and made the best of everything. But now, it's like I see things more clearly and like I've reached my breaking point. 

You are right OOHC about where I am in the stages of all this. My husband also wakes up very early and gets on either his phone or computer. He has very strange behaviors that I've honestly never understood.

Thank you for everyone for the help you have provided.

     Thread Starter

June 25, 2020 10:52 pm  #18

Re: I'm struggling today


So sorry..my GX's affair was facilitated, supported and maintained with her phone..over 100 text a day..in our bed, during meals.  It was so blatant. Her phone was more important than me.
I doubt your husband is discussing stamps with other stamp collectors.

In regards to you accepting this or that and not caring so much  for yourself..  It's what we empaths or fiercely loyal spouses do...its part of who we are..it's not a bad thing in itself..
  But it feels foreign and even selfish when we need to put ourselves first..because they are treating us so poorly..if we dont take care of ourselves who will?..not them..they used to but we can see/feel they are not anymore.

Make sure you practice self care..i think you'll find, as I did, you dont lie, cheat or hurt yourself.  Don't jump on his bandwagon and ignore yourself as he is ignoring you. We are worth so much more..

"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7

June 26, 2020 6:11 pm  #19

Re: I'm struggling today

Hi Karis,

So sorry to see you still hurting.

I am a ridiculously moral person. I always have been, since I was a child.

Yes, I am too. I was always honest and moral to a fault with my GIDXH.  I strived to make certain I was acting in a kind and helpful manner to him, like a good wife. It took me to reach my breaking point to leave my GID spouse finally.

I am sure this has been said before - our posters are very sharp. Sorry if this is a repeat.

I wondered after he died how could he be so successful gaslighting and manipulating me?  I'm smart and didn't do too badly at school and work.

I posted an article here recently about why LGBT self-segregate in certain jobs.(https://straightspouse.boardhost.com/viewtopic.php?id=2112)   I read it a few months ago and this was a big puzzle piece why :

Since gay men and lesbians tend to experience the threat of discrimination from a young age,  knowing how to read social cues might be an important acquired skill for these individuals. Thus we expected that gay men and lesbians would be more likely to be in jobs that require high levels of social perceptiveness  (e.g., psychologists and teachers) rather than in ones where such a skill is less needed (e.g., laboratory scientists and actuarial analysts).

In light of his emotional abuse, which won't cease until he leaves the closet, tell white lies to protect yourself (eg, claim depression and low libido as an excuse to stop sex).  This will help clear your head. That will help you make a decision which works best for you and your children.  It's self-defense and moral in light of immorality (his denial).

I truly believe things will work out for you! (((Hugs)))


Last edited by MJM017 (June 26, 2020 6:16 pm)

No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 

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