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1 of 1- Sonata
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All mixed up
Hello everyone,
It's been a little over a month since I found out my husband has been having a four year relationship with another man. My husband says he is bisexual and minimizes the affair by saying he only saw the man about three times since they live in different cities. He says it was mostly a sexting thing. The other man confirmed all this in a phone conversation with me. My husband says he would like to see this man every once in a great while. He says he is not in love with him he just likes the oral sex.
I am devastated by the cheating. It compartmentalized it by saying it wasn't the same as if he cheated with a woman because he still loves me. He says he has broken all contact and would only resume if I agreed to it.
We are in counseling but I am just not feeling hopeful.
I am not hopeful because I just have this nagging doubt (and have had this doubt for a long time) that he is just not in love with me. He says his lack of attraction to me is because I have gained weight. I am about 25 lbs. overweight. Geez, looking at this I see a lot of "he says."
I say that I am not sure of anything anymore. We have a 13 year old son who is autistic and really needs us both. He is a handful and I'm not sure if I can handle him alone.
I am trying to figure out if I want to separate houses, separate but live in the same house or try to reconcile. I think he is trying to figure this out too. My contention is: if he really was in love with me still he would be pursuing me right now and not talking about separating.
As you can see, I am all screwed up thanks to my finding out about his cheating and bisexuality.
- Abby
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Re: All mixed up
Welcome to the club that no one wants to join. Before you figure out what you want for living arrangements let me suggest that you ponder what you want for loving arrangements. If your marriage vows were like mine there was a phrase in them about "forsaking all others". It did not make exceptions for same sex attractions and being "bi" is not a pass for going behind your back and carrying on with someone else. Is this evidence of his love for you?
"My husband says he would like to see this man every once in a great while. He says he is not in love with him he just likes the oral sex." Does this show his love for you? Is he worthy of your love?
And if you don't accept this can you really believe that he will not rekindle this relationship or seek sex elsewhere? His history of integrity is not good, nor of respect for you.
Please consider getting a counselor for you alone. He is participating in marriage counseling because he wants you to stay. That is not necessarily what you want and you need to be able to find a way forward that is in your best interest.
(And by the way, I lost the weight I'd gained after my son was born and it made no difference in his sexual attraction to me, which had become zero. For him I was person of the wrong gender and as I told people after he came out of the closet years later and wanted a divorce, the marriage was not ending because we had grown apart but because I had not grown a part he wanted.)
Try Gardening. It'll keep you grounded.
- OneDayAtATime
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Re: All mixed up
I’m so sorry Sonata 
Gay guys are notoriously picky about weight. My husband is very mean about fat shaming. The straight (and even bi guys) that I’m friends with don’t mind extra weight on a woman, and I’ve heard some say they prefer it. Who doesn’t like boobs to be a little bigger? Oh yeah, gay guys. I was always sad I’m small chested, but for my husband it was great because boobs literally gross him out; so he was happy I had smaller ones that were easier to ignore. (Insert angry faces here.)
Abby I love what you say to people: For him I was person of the wrong gender and as I told people after he came out of the closet years later and wanted a divorce, the marriage was not ending because we had grown apart but because I had not grown a part he wanted.
- OutofHisCloset
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Re: All mixed up
Sonata,
Blaming a lack of sexual interest on a wife for some supposed shortcoming, especially one he knows she's sensitive about, is a favored tactic of closeted/gay-in-denial men. If he can wound you and make you feel as if you're the one to blame, he knows you'll feel ashamed and back off. You'll spend your energy feeling bad and focus on trying to lose weight and "please him," rather than focusing your attention on his behavior (or lack of it). It's blame-shifting and a distraction/misdirection technique. "You're fat" so "Look at yourself rather than me." At base, he's blaming himself for his gayness, but blaming you for his lack of sexual interest in you, while trying to direct your attention to your own supposed "faults," rather than his sexuality.
Last edited by OutofHisCloset (June 21, 2020 6:55 am)
- Rob
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Re: All mixed up
It's a scary thing to realize they wont love us if we gain weight etc.
I feel now like i dodged a bullet..if i were to get sick and need care or lose more hair she wouldn't love me...oh wait she already doesnt love me because of my body parts..
My love for her was not based on weight or looks... Im baffled what her love was based on..but the fact that it could change with the weather..just scary.
Our love is worth so much more..we are beyond their comphrehension.
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- MJM017
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Re: All mixed up
Hi Sonata, I am sorry this happened to you. No one deserves this sort of treatment. If you haven't already, read through the First Aid kit on this board:
Cheating is cheating no matter what. It breaks trust and destroys love if the cheater is not 100% honest with the wronged spouse. The same goes with a new-to-you same sex attraction the spouse has,
The one who blames another for his transgressions needs to turn around, look in the mirror and blame the person they see.
We are here to support you. Please post as often as you like. We've been in the same spot you have. I had a heck of a time getting through the pain my GIDXH caused, but am working through it. (((Hugs)))
No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa
- Sonata
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Re: All mixed up
Thank you everyone. This is the weirdest time. It feels impossible to make a move in any direction because of Covid and lack of money. We are trying to work things out but I am not feeling so good about it all. I appreciate your comments, they are helpful. Just feeling really sat today.
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