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August 12, 2018 4:25 pm  #31

Re: First Aid Kit: How to survive finding out your partner is LGBT

Now you are seeing the real person, not the fake front...believe me that sensitive, attentive guy was fake, this is the real one. The manipulative narcissist.

Let him block you, that would be a blessing, in fact even better if you block him because it’s not really no contact if he can get hold of you.

I promise you that baring your soul to him and telling him you’re confused and hurt won’t help you, in doing this you aee still bargaining for his love. No good can come of this relationship Lydia.

Try and focus on yourself, you are NOT at fault here, not one bit. Don’t accept the opinion of someone who’s own life is a garbage tip. You have morals and integrity, you know you’re a good person, be kind to yourself.

And again do get tested. Transexual “women” are the highest STD risk category second to gay men.


August 12, 2018 4:47 pm  #32

Re: First Aid Kit: How to survive finding out your partner is LGBT

I shall make sure I make an appt with sexual health ASAP.
I’m still in complete shock, I met his family, his disfuncrional daughter ( I can now begin to understand why she was rather damaged )he didn’t appear to have  friends of any great depth where past memories could be shared, lots of superficial friends, he informed me that many of his previous friends couldn’t get to grips with his disclosures of CDing.
My observations are that his previous wife, such a lovely lady, lacked emotional intelligence, they were together for 15 years, separation was due to him wanting to experiment sexually but she had reached her limitations.
His previous partner, she’s still on the scene, as I mentioned previously, she would dress him up, so I guess he was able to be himself with her to some degree.
Then there’s myself, whom is still struggling to believe that this is ANDY in his full glory.
He informed myself that my illness ( I had cancer last year, in remission but now possibly a further diognosis) was not his fault and needed to stop the guilt trip, I have only ever once mentioned my anger of him creating such dramas in such a delicate time of my life, he told me TO GET ON WITH MY LIFE AND STOP BEING THE VICTIM, I wouldn’t even speak to my worst enemy ( not that I have any) in such an unempathic tone.

Isn’t it amazing how those whom are so emotionally unbalanced mirror their behaviour on to us.

I think we become addicted to a toxic relationship,one that isn’t healthy or evenly balanced.
I am anticipating he may have been on some type of come down today, or perhaps has self intoxicating on weed, causing paranoia, my mind is baffled.
Reference his belongings, I have no intentions of allowing him into my home, I am not returning any type of contact I have to and must draw a line under this, despite it hurting my soul deeply.

I can’t thankyou enough for your support and just being best to listen and respond x


August 12, 2018 5:26 pm  #33

Re: First Aid Kit: How to survive finding out your partner is LGBT

The one playing the victim is "Andy". How dare ANYTHING get in the way of his priorities, his struggle and his needs? As Duped said, he really is sounding like a casebook study of a manipulative, toxic, narcissist. Pursue, devalue, discard, repeat.

The weed likely isn't helping. Although many think it's benign, some strains do introduce a little paranoia. That's doesn't make for a good combination with someone who already thinks that they are persecuted, misunderstood, shunned, etc.

I think you are doing the right thing. It does not sound like there is anything here to save except yourself.


August 12, 2018 5:41 pm  #34

Re: First Aid Kit: How to survive finding out your partner is LGBT

You are both giving me so many words of wisdom that I am determined to hold on to!.

With both your kind supporting words,  I am hoping to attempt to get some restful sleep, taking tomorrow then the next day, one day at a time.

I sincerely cannot Thankyou enough for being here for me. X


August 13, 2018 3:01 pm  #35

Re: First Aid Kit: How to survive finding out your partner is LGBT

Just to let you know I visited my GP today and had STI tests done, I told him of my situation, it was the first thing he advised.

I am planning on commencing back to work again tomorrow, I refuse to disrupt my life anymore than this situation already has done, I feel anxious, the questions I shall be asked by colleagues, knowing I have been in a cohabiting relationship this past year.

Since receiving vile text messages from Andy yesterday reference I’m acting like the victim, demanding his belongings ASAP, I have not heard from him, bar a further message last night saying he hates me for attacking sensitive areas of his personal life informing his CD was very ta very trivial part of his life , he was demanding his personal belongings so as he could get rid of me once and for good.
I’m sorry but I did reply telling him that I simply didn’t care re his thoughts as regards to my supposed cruel and selfish characteristics, I told him that I had every confidence that I was a kind, considerate caring person whom would never deliberately hurt a soul.

I still have his belongings littered around the home and my garage however he did take some of his ladies wardrobe on the day he made the decision to flee back to his home town informing me he wanted everything that came with that.

I really do not want to make any further contact with him, I just sense he is playing games, if he was that desperate for his belongings he should have picked everything up today.

Your thoughts, should I make contact myself for him to collect?.

After a very stressful few days, I felt I wanted to share some humour with you,
I’m very close to my parents, after our breakup mum came over, whilst I was out she began packing Andys things, her concerns being that it would all be too painful for me,

Well mums face when I returned home, she found Andys  wigs, leather high heeled boots,  and 2 butt plugs, oh and a double dildo!, need I say my mothers shock and horror!!!, I think she shall need to be the one whom shall need councelling!
My parents are disgusted and felt sorry for me for having to put up with such a complex and concerning  individual ( I’m still struggling to talk of him in a negative manner, I’m hoping over time this shall change), they are very old school, however they welcomed Andy into their home on many occasions. My parents are European, full of love and trust,
They also feel fooled.

Last edited by Lydia (August 13, 2018 3:32 pm)


August 13, 2018 3:31 pm  #36

Re: First Aid Kit: How to survive finding out your partner is LGBT

I’m so glad you went to the GP Lydia, you know it took me 9 months to get tested...I was utterly terrified. But itnwas the start of me regaining some control. Given my time again I would have got shot of him totally straight away.

It’s good too that your parents know, I know that my mum knowing just about the dressing up was important in my keeping away from my ex. They sound like good, kind and supportive parents, I bet they were very shocked at what they found!!!

As for his things, if he is too far for you to dump them outside his front door then just bag them up and stick them in your garage/shed/out of sight place...don’t encourage him to come and collect them unless he agrees to take them when you are out.

I know he’s being vile at the moment but do brace yourself in case he tries to lovebomb you...most of us have experienced this, it’s false, don’t buy into it.

I hope that he keeps his distance and you continue to grow stronger. You have nothing to feel bad for and none of this is your fault.

And you don’t need to explain anything to your colleagues, say as little as you need to. I would urge you to keep your counsel and decide what you want to reveal when you feel more stable. I always found I felt rotten after I’d said too much. However it’s important to confide in people you trust. Even if it’s just your lovely parents for now.

We are here if you need us.

Last edited by Duped (August 13, 2018 3:34 pm)


August 13, 2018 4:05 pm  #37

Re: First Aid Kit: How to survive finding out your partner is LGBT

Thankyou so much Duped, I’m really benefitting from all of your  support and finding various stories on this  forum so insightful, I can’t lie, I have a real feeling of loneliness ( even in the company of others) and fears for the future, you think you life is in order one minute then everything is turned upside down within days.

One thing I didn’t tell you is that I have a beautiful son of 14, I have a very positive relationship with his father,it’s taken time,but we parent so we’ll together
wills remains with his father during the week  and weekends with myself ( his school is close to his fathers), if I was honest Andy was genuinely good with wills, however I couldn’t have allowed such a complex person to impact on my sons tender years,
I’m very good at keeping tensions at bay,keeping my home calm and tranquil, it’s been hard work these past few months, I was becoming highly anxious myself, but I kept putting this down to my health problems .
Andy also was dreadful with finances, so felt financial responsibilities came down to myself.

My GP did say that many CD/vi sexuals have personality disorders/ultra ego , many a time I sensed BPD in Andy, but yet again I chose to ignore this, also sweeping that one under the carpet too.

Duped. I do hope your life is more settled?, I admire yourself so much, to help others after what I can only begin to  imagine as a very difficult time for yourself, I hope one day I can move on from this experience, offering support to others  similar very stressful and painful situations .



August 13, 2018 4:11 pm  #38

Re: First Aid Kit: How to survive finding out your partner is LGBT

Ps Duped, I’ve just researched “love bombing”, so so true, what Andy supposing fell in love for me for was my career and caring unselfish pasona,
Fast forward 18 months, he was saying he felt at the bottom of the pile, however much love and care I showed him,

I shall continue researching!!,



August 14, 2018 3:06 pm  #39

Re: First Aid Kit: How to survive finding out your partner is LGBT

Your GP sounds very clued up, that must have helped.

It’s good that you have your son to focus on...another great reason to keep this man away. You will be fine, I promise, you sound li,e you can rely on yourself and that is so important.

I’m doing ok, thank is calmer and I am happier, no craziness to deal with...I just shake my head at it all. None of it was/is worth losing my peace of mind.

You’ll get there...


December 11, 2018 7:24 pm  #40

Re: First Aid Kit: How to survive finding out your partner is LGBT

This is wonderful. Thank you so much. I really don't know where else I would find this guidance. 


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