This is so, SO true.  Or "you're entitled to leave".

We find ourselves in this quandary where we feel that we don't want to be a statistic - another person who got divorced.  We think it says stuff about us - that we can't succeed at something that others seems to do effortlessly, or well.  Or that at the very least, we weren't bright when choosing this person.  But there comes a time when you know that you've done all that can be reasonably expected of you (and usually much, MUCH more), and things aren't going to turn around.  And so you're literally left choosing between staying miserable in order to keep up appearances, or leaving to get some peace and maybe future potential.  It can sometimes take a long, long time to get to the place where our need for peace outweighs the fear of being seen as a failure, or weak.

Every relationship will be as limited as it's most limited participant.  They say that marriage isn't 50/50 - it's 100/100.  And you know what?  BOTH are true.  You can't both put in 50% of yourselves and have a good relationship.  You both have to give 100% of what you've got in order to meet in a healthy place in the middle.  The problem is that some people don't have 100% to give anymore in order to meet their partner half way.  Because they're damaged and they aren't able to give or receive because of their own limitations.  We all have this..... at least a little bit.  We balance each other out at times.  He gives more in this area, you give more in that area, and no one's resentful.  But when at the core of the relationship, one partner is severely limited due to damage that they haven't tried to reconcile, that's all they can give.  They can choose to work on the problem to get more available to them.  But YOU can NEVER do any of that FOR them.  Logically, you would think that you can give 90% and they can give 10%, and you'll still meet.  Sure you will - but NOT in the MIDDLE.  You're all the way over on the other side then.  It's not balanced, it's not fair, and it's full of resentment, especially long-term.  They can do better, if they are willing to admit that they need help to be more whole, and do the work to get there.  But a lot of people won't.  They'd rather not walk back through that fire again.  Or hell - they'd prefer that YOU walk through the fire for them.  And that ain't halfway.  Eventually you wonder why you're willing to go this far to only get 10% - is there something so wrong with you that you feel you deserve only 10%?  Then one day, it no longer matters if you think you should continue giving all 90% anyway - we weren't made for that.  It doesn't work.

Once you figure out that you've tried as hard as you can, and that you've given them clear instructions of what you need and how they can give that to you, and they're still not meeting those needs, they either don't care or are incapable of doing that.  Either way, you're that limited.  That's when it's time to move on.  Because you aren't making them well.  They are just making you more unwell the longer you stay with them.

Kel

"You're Allowed to Leave" so beautifully speaks to all those issues we often address here.  Loving yourself, forgiving yourself, knowing when to leave, having choices, and not being afraid of positive change.  Thanks Daryl for sharing it with us.  It is a keeper.