OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum » Whose Life is This?

braveweirdworld · January 22, 2018 11:55 am

Last March, I took off my wedding ring at nearly 4 years of marriage, and 6 total together. Our marriage was in shambles, and I didn't want our daughter to think that was what love looks like. My ex was anxiety ridden, emotionally abusive, and withdrawn. We walked on eggshells daily, unsure what would make him explode today. Due to economics, I couldn't afford to move out into my own place, and so moved into the spare room. We continued to go to marriage counsellor, and he sought out his own for his anger issues, and because I insisted. I knew there was something behind his anger..I thought he had an undiagnosed illness. In the back of my mind, I guess I hoped if he could get treatment, then there was a small ray of hope that our family wouldn't be torn apart. We continued to do things together with our daughter, and friends. On one particular weekend event August long weekend, he screamed at me for 2 hours over finances, calling me a failure. We arrived at the event...me crying uncontrollably, and didn't speak for the next day. Once back in the vehicle to return home...he spoke to me for the first time in almost 24 hrs. He said, 'You should look up gender dysphoria" I didn't understand. I honestly thought this was a manipulation to mess with my head. I stayed with my parents for a few days following, to try to clear my head, and sort through. I firmly believed that this was all an elaborate game...and when I returned we had a HUGE argument when I tried to get him to talk about it further. He ended up throwing books at me, "He's Not the Man I Married' and others, stating he had gone to a support group, and this was in fact....the truth of the matter. I was STUNNED. I had NO idea that he felt this way. But he refused to talk about it anymore with me. Instead, I began to find make-up, clothing, shoes, toys, etc. everywhere. He sent me photos of himself, as a woman, and stepped out at a Pride event. He was on Tinder, Pure and other sites. He slandered me all over social media. I began to attend therapy, and sought advice to answer my questions and what to do next. In September he left for work in another city for 3 1/2 months. I felt relieved as perhaps the time apart to heal would be beneficial. He immediately began to sleep with other people. Which he rubbed in my face happily.
Upon his return, I moved out, and we are now working on a custody arrangement. We finally sat down and had a real talk, and I am doing my best to be open minded and supportive, as ultimately that is what would be best for our child. He got his official diagnosis this past week, and hopes to begin hormone treatment in March of this year. He is living part time as a female, and although we agreed to seek family gender therapy together and work towards telling our 4 year daughter, she said this weekend, 'Daddy is turning to a woman' I asked where she heard that, and she said she heard him talking to a friend. I didn't make a big deal of it, but I asked how she felt about that, and she said, "I just want Daddy to still be a Daddy" I said that we would always be her parents, and love her very much. Kids pick up on a whole lot!

I struggle with my emotions daily. Most days I am optimistic about the future, and look forward to what new adventures await me. But underneath my brave face, I also feel numb and sad, angry and betrayed, cynical and untrusting. This is not the life I chose...but here I am anyway. It's almost like watching a movie of someone else's life. I guess I feel that loss of control over what happens next. I have a good group of family/friends that I share my truth with and that's been helpful. But no one really knows what to say, and do, as it's new and strange to us all. I was ecstatic to find this group....it was like opening a door into a whole world of people like me...who truly understand.

If you can offer any advice, resources, or just a friendly 'i hear ya' i would so much appreciate it.

Kel · January 22, 2018 12:38 pm

Hi Brave,

I hear ya. We're here. Feel free to pour yourself out here - your story, your pain, your grief, your anger, your confusion. What's happening to you really is a mind f*ck.

There are several other women here who have experiences very similar to yours - partners with gender dysphoria. Some are trying to make it work in a M.O.M. - Mixed Orientation Marriage. Others have thrown in the towel and have moved on. Some are in the process of deciding. But there are others with issues that echo yours, and you'll find camaraderie here.

There is no rule that says that in order to love your spouse, you need to everything they do - including the choices that take them further away from a loving relationship with you. You can give him the space he needs to become who he is becoming without judgement, but you don't need to be his cheerleader. He got all the way to this point without you being that for him. He's got a support system - trust me.

Why would he cheat on you and rub it in your face? What would have been his objective with that? And why would you want to remain friends with someone who betrayed you and then deliberately hurt you by making sure you knew about it? He doesn't deserve you.

Be well. Take care of yourself. Get plenty of rest and focus on self-care.

Kel

phoenix · January 22, 2018 12:58 pm

What an awful man! I'm so sorry he has been treating you and your family this way.

I can't offer much in the way of advice on dealing with a trans spouse, but others here are very good at that. So keep your eyes out for more replies.

I'm so glad you haven't kept the secret to yourself only and made your life so much harder in the process. Being able to share with a support group is fantastic. Good for you!

If you haven't yet, we typically advise that you go see a doctor. First you aren't sure if he slept with others before you stopped being intimate with him, so the chance of STD's is possible and you want to rule that out or deal with what you might have. Second, if you have trouble sleeping or struggle with anxiety it might be worth asking about medicine to help with those symptoms. I did and it was a huge help for me.

Take care of yourself so that you can be the best mom in the world to your daughter.

Buckle up.. this is a roller coaster. Some days are much worse than others, but on those awful days it helps to remember that it's temporary and you'll feel better the next day. Over time the ups and downs will be shorter and less severe.

I'm glad you are seeing some signs of optimism about your future. You get to paint a new picture of your life now.. it can be whatever you want it to be. It's so hard to see the good when you're in the middle of the storm.. but it's out there and you'll get there.

Stick around and share more. We're glad to have you here.

Duped · January 22, 2018 2:11 pm

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Last edited by Duped (August 28, 2019 2:01 pm)

braveweirdworld · January 22, 2018 2:52 pm

Thank you! Your kindness and understanding mean so much.

To answer questions:

DUPED - diagnosis. He saw a gender psychiatrist and he was referred to a doctor as being a transgender female with recommendation for HRT to begin asap. And yes...I mean I am trying to look forward to my new chapter alone, and with my daughter(s) I have an elder daughter (20) from a previous marriage. I have filed for separation and divorce. I moved into a new place upon his return from work at the beginning of the year.

Phoenix - Thank you for that advice. We were not intimate for nearly the last 2 years of our marriage. He withdrew and the nights he fell asleep on the couch became more frequent. I also, couldn't bring myself to be intimate with someone who'd shown me such disrespect with the emotional abuse, so I refused anytime it was even mentioned. That said, I did have my yearly physical recently and all good. I have generalized anxiety and have taken meds for years, so one of the first things I did was get in touch with my doctor and made sure I was still on the right medications etc. Most days I manage...but sometimes i get overwhelmed....grief, shock, and just not sure about what I want now. I remind myself to take a step back, and 'baby steps' and that it's okay, and totally normal to not have a great day everyday. And finding this place, with others who get it will hopefully be a great resource for those not so good days.

Kel - you are right. He doesn't deserve my friendship. I am an empath, and I tend to take on others emotions, and put others needs ahead of my own. That's what narcissists love right... I know I have to put up emotional boundaries and protect my heart. This grieving process.... for something that wasn't ever real....is a 'two steps forward, one step back' thing it appears. I shall continue to take the steps though. Thank you for being the first to reach out. It helps so much to know I am not alone...even if I would never wish this on anyone else.

Duped · January 22, 2018 3:03 pm

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Last edited by Duped (August 28, 2019 2:01 pm)

OutofHisCloset · January 22, 2018 3:46 pm

Brave,
"Gender psychiatrists" work on an affirmative model--that is, they take at face value the person's declaration he/she is the opposite gender. He needs the diagnosis for hormone therapy and surgery (if he has it.
  If you go to this person for counseling, you will be told you should get on board; that will be the operating assumption. You need a therapist only for yourself.
  Also, as to reading: what he gave you is a book that also is meant to get you on board. I suggest you read Christine Benevenuto's "Sex Changes," about her experience with her husband who did what yours has done. Also, psychologist Michael Bailey's "The Man Who Would be Queen," and trans woman Anne Lawrence's "Becoming What We Love." (You can download Bailey's book for free.) These will be valuable counters to the trans narrative your husband is espousing, and you need the full picture, not just the views of trans activists.
   I just this weekend told my husband that we must divorce; he disclosed his desire to be a woman and his hatred of his maleness to me not quite three years ago. You can search for my posts if you like, also look for threads that have the words "trans" or "c'ding" in them.
It's a very rocky ride, and your husband is going to approach this from a very self centered position, and not as part of a marriage. You and your daughter are less important to him than pursuing this feminizing. A hard pill to swallow, but you need to concentrate on yourself, and not on him. As Kel said, trust me, he's got a support system!

Kel · January 23, 2018 12:04 pm

Yes, Brave - narcissists love empaths. That's not the issue - the issue is that they figure out they can USE us. And they do. And instead of us seeing it as being used, we see it as us extending our gifts to them.

I have a son who will extract every ounce of everything out of everyone he can, hurting us all in the process, and never getting anywhere different with what we give him. It's exhausting. He knows exactly what he's doing. He will never stop taking. It's up to us to stop giving. I have always looked at myself as someone who does the right thing - the good thing - regardless of what others do. My model was Jesus. He was spat on, wrongly accused, abused and killed, and never once did he do the wrong thing. But if Jesus had a disciple that had been hanging around him, lying to him daily, ensnaring him, entrapping him, do you think that Jesus would just keep the guy around to continue abusing him? No. He surrounded himself with people who were his supporters - who saw his vision and who worked toward a common goal. He would never invite a habitual liar / cheat to be his confidant. Because it's a waste of his gift. His gift was his soul. He would never have let someone suck that dry so that he couldn't concentrate on his main goal of pleasing the Father with his soul. Of doing his father's work. THAT was his goal. He was never going to let anyone stand in the way of that - he couldn't afford to get sidetracked by saving an individual or he'd never have had himself left to sacrifice for everyone.

My current husband helped me to see that my son was not blind - he knew perfectly well that my heart was my biggest gift to him. And then he took it and crafted it into something to use as leverage against me. He took my best, most pure quality and turned it into a weapon. And I couldn't allow that. My heart and the goodness that it exudes are not to be used that way. I cannot allow them to be used in an abusive manner, lest it all get used up and I don't have it when necessary for others who are treating me well and who need a hand. I had to guard my most precious gift so that I could continue to use it. I could not let it be defiled in that manner. I could not allow myself to be used up by someone who didn't even care for me - who was only appealing to my love for him in order to obtain things from me. So I stopped it. I am not preventing him from getting those things from others, instead. I hold no ill will against him - I want him to do well. I just cannot be the cookie jar that he keeps taking from. I could feed so many others with what I was futilly giving to him.

Kel

Last edited by Kel (January 23, 2018 12:07 pm)

braveweirdworld · January 24, 2018 7:04 pm

Yesterday, I picked up my daughter at his place. He was wearing pink tights, and pink socks. Later, our daughter mentioned he wears skirts. We had spoken of this, and I expressed several times, that I want to speak with someone who can guide us in how to best approach the situation given she is only 4, and perhaps could start with a few books etc. He agreed, and said he would NOT be telling her, dressing up around her, for a long while. So, in the 3 weeks since he has been back, I moved out, and we have been sharing custody, she overheard him tell someone, and repeated it to me, and has seen him in skirts, a wig, and flashy pink tights. She is already going through our divorce and this is so much to process. I know kids are resilient. But I worry!!
In other aspects, I had a counsellor but haven't seen her for 2 months now. She had extra time off over the holidays, and then has become ill and cancelled 3 times in January. While SO not her fault, I do really need someone to talk with about everything on a regular basis, so I asked her if she could refer to me to someone. My brain feels like this is TOO much!
We had a big fight, during my time picking up our daughter, because I mentioned that we should get moving forward regarding finances, and as he had mentioned he had extra time at work right now, if he'd a chance to get anything taken care of on his end. He lost it. As he says on repeat...'I didn't want this. YOU want a divorce, not me' He does NOT get it. I got us outta there, but he text me on repeat about how I am a snob, a bully, I am a sick and twisted individual...and so forth. I had to turn my phone off. This morning, I got an apology, with a picture of the abuse cycle, saying he was so sorry I ever felt like that. Its bonkers!

I am trying my best....

Last edited by braveweirdworld (January 24, 2018 7:05 pm)

OutofHisCloset · January 24, 2018 9:05 pm

Your husband is in the grip of what Sham called "the pink fog." He's in a kind of delirium, and taken up only with his feminizing activities and the high he gets from them. Watch out he is not involving your daughter in these activities--it's what Benevenuto's ex did, under the guise of teaching their daughter to "feminize" herself (as if any actual female needs to do so). If you have a lawyer, talk to that person about your husband's behavior. And make sure you document these outrages; write it all down, with dates, about how volatile he is, how he agrees to a course of action and then violates that. Write down what your daughter is telling you. This can serve you when you are seeking custody to limit his contact with her.
Do not expect him to be reasonable, for example, to see that he's the one who has changed the terms of the marriage and it's only normal you should no longer wish to be married to him. He is not longer operating by what you think of as normal behavior or normal, rational thought.
I'm so so sorry you're going through this.

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