Hi Nicolas.  I am so sorry you find yourself here.  I can't speak to the questions you asked exactly because my situation is different, but I can speak to the breakdown of the marriage.  You could never have an authentic marriage if she was not attracted to a man.  The fact that she will blame you is crazy.  A lot of people will speak of narcissistic behavior by our gay in denial (GID) spouses and that is what her reaction to this is.  She does not want to take ownership to this.  You married her in good faith believing she was a straight woman and since she is not you could never have anything that resembled a marriage between two straight people.  You did your part.  You loved her and cared for her and you tried.  I too checked out at a certain point.  I was just really lonely and was going through the motions because I wasn't getting what I needed from my husband.  This was both emotionally and sexually.  Sex was always mechanical and something he seemed to just want to get through.  I always had this weird feeling in the back of my mind that something wasn't quite right, but never went to gay.....She felt "trapped" because she probably knew who she was but couldn't tell anyone.  

I know this is so hard, but you have the right attitude.  I think in the long run you will both be happier.  You can find someone to love you the way you need to be loved.  Its good that you are amicable.  I think that will make it easier.  

You will find many friends on this site.  This is where you need to be.  Post often (long is fine) and wait until you hear from Kel!  It will be long, but awesome!  

Answer to your random question:

"...using her sexual preference as a cop out.  I totally understand that I wasn't maybe as attentive as she would have liked me to be in the past few years- but I also think I was checking out more and more because she rarely ever complimented me or made me feel desired.  I felt very emasculated."

  This describes my situation as well.  My cross dressing transgender husband would like to make my rejection of his cross dressing the reason for the divorce, as if to suggest that if I were more accepting then we could have been fine.  But the truth is, we couldn't have been fine.  A man who isn't satisfied being a man and hates being male, who is self absorbed and more involved with his inner self was never going to make a good husband to a straight wife.  I tend to think that many of the problems that we had in our marriage before he revealed his sexuality/orientation actually are the result of that sexuality/orientation and his attempts to subdue it.  But I agree, this is a blameshifting tactic on their part, made to assuage their feelings of guilt and shame over blowing up the marriage, or even entering it under false pretenses.  
 

NicholasB:  I'm going to copy Clif's idea and answer each of your questions, from my perspective.  Quick background on me, so you know where I'm coming from:  Catholic...understand that perspective, 5 children, ages 7 - 20, at time of disclosure, married 24 years.  Like you, my ex told me he had "SSA" (IMHO a term used when someone doesn't understand "gay").  I did not figure this out, on my own.  Disclosure was 2 years ago for me:

1.  Re:  Staying friends:  I struggle with this one, but the fact is that my ex knew he was hiding himself from me.  Gay porn, constant depression resulting from not accepting himself.  Blamed me for being boring (I'm not), blamed his job for not being what he wanted.  He was unhappy to his core and blamed everything and everyone else.  

Here's my point:  My ex lied to me for 25 years.  At the first date, he should have told me that he had feelings for men.  After he told me of his SSA (He did not use the word "gay", but he is gay), I said, "You should have told me this."  Guess what he said?  He answered, "We agreed to Not discuss past relationships."  He KNEW that I assumed his past relationships were with women.  I never thought he was gay, so why would I have ever asked him if any were with men?

I so wish I had not deleted my original posts.  My first posts would have been quite like yours:  I wanted the best for him.  I wanted him to be happy.  I wanted us to remain a family.  I wanted to stay friends.  I remember an old post, one that I deleted, that said exactly that:  "How can I remain friends?"  That thought still crosses my mind.  However, what kind of a friend is someone who lies to such a severe and damaging extent?  As time goes by, we all start recognizing some red flags that were in our relationships.  We see them, now, because we have new & true information.  As time goes by for you, I think you'll see a lot of things differently, as you look back.  Your ex had her attractions to women long, long ago.  She chose to not tell you.  What kind of person keeps that kind of information from her spouse?  What kind of person lies to a friend like that?

For now, what might help you, is to tell yourself, "Right now, we cannot be friends."  You can always change that thought, once you've healed from the damage she is causing.  Right now, try your hardest to take care of yourself.

SHOCK:  You are, most likely, in shock.  I was, for almost 1 year.  I did Not realize it, until I came out of it.  You have to get help for yourself.  You need to tell someone close to you.  If their response is supportive, you have chosen a good person to tell.  If the response is full of advice and lectures, find a better supportive person, someone who will listen, listen, listen.  You need to tell your story, over and over and over, until you have processed it for yourself.

SHOCK:  When you are in shock, the heart and intellect do Not work together.  As I look back, I wonder why I couldn't make some choices sooner (such as asking him to sleep in another bed or telling him that he needed to move out).  This pain is too much for a person to handle, all at once.  Shock is the body's coping mechanism.

I am 2 years post-disclosure and almost 1 year post-divorce.  I text my ex, only.  I text when it is necessary for things related to the children.  We are not friends.  I will let you know, if that changes.  Can we be friends?  Not yet.

The only way I came out of shock was noticing how many people, here, recommended detaching.  When I began to detach, I began to heal.

2.  re:  Telling the children:  My husband told the children, twice.  The first time was the result of a horrible, screaming fight that we had.  He was in the phase of coming out which sounded like this, "I am gay.  I'm bi.  I'm bi.  I'm Not gay!  Why don't you listen to me?  I told you I was gay.  I'm Not gay."  (I'm not kidding.  That is how he would talk."  For months, I felt like I was spinning in a revolving door, with him driving a truck in the opposite direction through that revolving door).  During one of those screaming conversations, I said, "I just want to know.  Are you gay or not?  If you are gay, you tell those children.  They deserve to know the truth."  He became so angry, that he burst into the living room, where the children were.  Before he could open his mouth, I said, "Your dad is gay, and he's leaving."  Am I proud of saying that, so abruptly?  No   (By the way, it was months before he left)

The 2nd time that we told the children:  My husband (now ex), spoke to a counselor, first.  She helped him figure out how to tell the children.  She suggested telling all of them, together, even though the youngest is much younger than the rest.  She said it was important that he (the youngest) not feel left out.  The counselor helped him with what words to use and helped him anticipate the questions the children might ask.  That proved to be valuable advice.  My ex told them, with me in the room.  I couldn't say a word.  He cried and apologized for the pain he caused me and told them we were getting divorced.  I think it was a moment of honesty.  

If I would stop deleting posts, after I write them, you would see that this is what I've decided:  There is No easy way to tell the kids.  There is No way to shield them from the pain.  If you don't tell them the truth, every second you will wonder when/if you should.  Your children, at whatever age they are, will sense that something is off.  Lies are what got us all in this situation.  I decided, early on, to just tell the truth.  No need to tell people who don't have reason to know.  Your children deserve to know the truth.  They deserve that respect.

My kids' first relations were much like mine:  "We don't care if you're gay.  We just don't want you to leave."  Once the reality sunk in, the kids began to express that a marriage between a gay person and a straight person just didn't make sense to them.  That expression took a while for us all to process.  It was not an overnight realization.

To tell or not to tell is always a complicated discussion, on this board.  It is my experience that my youngest had the easiest time hearing this information.  I would advise that you let a trusted and confidential counselor at the children's school know what is happening.  (3 of my children ended up needing support from their schools &/or extracurricular activities people...another story, but it was good that someone capable knew what was happening).

The youngest one seems to have the best relationship with his father.  He will grow up knowing that his dad is gay.  The older children know that they were lied to, their entire lives.  They also remember that their dad was often depressed, grumpy and distant.  Now, they understand why.  They don't think that's their fault.  They know that their father never loved and accepted himself and that made him unable to love and accept anyone else.

So many of us say, "But he was a good father"  (I said that) or "She was a good mother".  A GID (Gay in Denial) person is NOT his/her best self.  A GID person is a person that lives a lie, every day.  A GID person is a person that becomes very comfortable lying (& blaming).   A GID person sucks the joy out of their spouse, until there is a whole lot of joy missing from a marriage and a family.

I do Not regret that my children know.  I am proud that they know the truth.  They know what a lie can do.  So many of us want to shield our children from the pain of this.  Your children are so very young that it's a good time for them to know.  They will grow up knowing the truth and can have a truthful relationship with both their mom and their dad.  With the older children, many of us struggle with WHEN to tell:  Now is not a good time, as my child's grades may suffer.  (My children's grades DID suffer, horribly.  Guess what?  They are all doing so much better...with some big bumps in the road, but better...and 2 were accepted at great colleges).  Now is not a good time, as a new school year is starting.  Now is not a good time, as this may affect my child's relationships with me or the other parent.  Now is not a good time, as this will affect us financially...  This list will never, ever end.  Telling your children that you are separating &/or that one parent is gay will never be pain-free.  From my perspective, that lie will continue to eat away at you and your spouse AND damage the children, until they know the truth.  Once the truth is known, you can all begin to face it and to heal.

When my youngest found out, at age 7, he twirled around on the couch and said, "Can I go play, now?"  Hearing the truth was hardest for my oldest, but we are handling this and getting help, where needed.  One of the best pieces of advice I got from a counselor:  You work on your relationship with your children.  Your spouse's relationship with them is up to him/her.  (That is true, whether married or not, I have since realized).

3.  Compared to about 18 months ago, when my children first found out, they are learning and growing and doing well.  I've found out that most of their struggles have to do with just growing up, which can be painful.  Their problems and struggles often have nothing to do with the fact that we are divorced or that their father is gay.

4.  I told a close friend, first.  She has been my rock and my encouragement.  I couldn't have made it through this without her.  She lives in another state.  One time, I was overwhelmed and couldn't breathe.  I called her and just whispered, "I can't breathe."  She talked me through breathing.  She listened and listened and listened.  She did Not give advice.  

One sister said, "There are always 2 sides to a divorce."  Yep.  That affected my relationship with her.  We are working on that.  There are NOT 2 sides to these divorces.  Your wife is gay, and she kept that information from you.  You are not to blame.  You will pick up the pieces of the damage she has caused.

5.   SSN:  Invaluable.  You will relate to some members more than others, at different stages of your journey.  We are in such an unbelievable position.  Only those of us who have been straight spouses understand the unique pain and complicated issues of being a straight spouse.

Final Thought:  Being gay is NOT the same, at all, as being a GID spouse.  I have nothing but empathy for a gay person struggling to come out.  I can only imagine that struggle.  Your wife chose to marry you and Not tell you of her struggle.  That lie has caused severe, unimaginable and excruciating pain to you and your children.  You can get through this.  You will need help.  It's too much to handle alone.

In addition to the damage she has done to all of you, she has delayed and damaged her own maturity and development, by hiding in the closet.  She is not a healthy, adult gay woman.  She is an adolescent adult, finally facing herself.

This journey you are on will be long and scary.  Honestly, I Never thought I'd make it through this struggle.  I was down to 105 pounds and have almost an entire year where I have no memory.  I went on job interviews that I don't remember.  My older children will speak of something we did, together.  I will look blankly, and my daughter will say, "She can't remember that.  That was when she was in her zombie-phase".  I am becoming more and more and more happy with myself, the more time passes.  My children are growing and know they are capable of handling a severe crisis and still coming out with joy, on the other side of that struggle.

Just keep breathing.  Take some time, each day, where you just don't think about this.  It's just too much to handle, all at once.  This healing and processing will take time.  Take one step at a time and don't be afraid to reach out for help, on this site and with trusted friends.  



 

Last edited by jkpeace (January 20, 2018 12:26 pm)

Clif wrote:

Hi Nick, Sorry you have to be here but since you are this is a great place to begin your healing.
Your questions first:
1) No. And it probably has more to do with me than her. We married young. Me 19 and her 17. She had a child from a high-school misstep. I adopted my son a year later. We then had a daughter after. Fast forward 27 years, we got divorced. I guess I am the one that doesn't want to she her. At first too painful. Now I am re-married and so is she. She married her girlfriend and a year later moved to the other side of the country.
2) My children were grown and living across the country (Where the XGW moved to). The kids heard via telephone.
3) My daughter seemed fine with what happened. Sad but okay. The son I adopted was quite upset with his mother. The kids had been raised VERY catholic by their mother and when she came out he felt he had been lied to his whole life. (I was very familiar with that sentiment)
4) My wife, when she decided she was done with OUR life, came all the way out. To everyone. It happened fast. Like an unexpected tornado. I was quite confused. But she had years to think about it. I had hours.
5) SSN may have saved my life. I was sure, when it first happened, that I was the only one in the world that this had happened to. SSN started (back then) with an email list. Then I met the most wonderful STR8's about 60 miles north of me. No matter how long I live I will never be able to thank them enough.

Thanks for the thoughtful responses.  I do plan to use SSN to help cope and make sense of this. 

It does seem narcissism is important to their process. A way to justify upending everyone around them's lives. Maybe it is the best way for them to feel comfortable saying 'this is for me and that is all that matters' and tamp down any guilt.

We actually had a good sex life (at least I thought so). I believed she thought so as well but now I have to admit I did not know as much about her as I thought I did from 27 years of marriage.

Well, like I said, our sex life was pretty standard.  It probably was the one critical aspect of the relationship I overlooked.  I often talked to other married friends and figured it could be much worse.  Plus, I guess it helps too when you're very much attracted to the person you're with. Oddly enough, it seemed like the quality got better, but then really died about a month or so prior to her coming out of the closet.  I rationalized by thinking, "well, you can't have it all in a marriage."  Little did I realize how bad it was.  

You seem calm and collected. Take care of you and take care of the kids. As for her, there is nothing you can do to change her mind or attitude.

I'm a very laid back individual who strives for balance in my life.  I try not to get too high or too low and always express gratitude for the many blessings I have in life.  I tried to help balance my wife, but she would often mock my optimistic view on life.  Since she "came out" I have definitely sensed that she is more optimistic and hopeful and for that, I am happy for her. 

Be well.
Clif

Thank you! Best to you as well. 
 

Apparently I'm not good with using quotes in the replies as evidenced above.  A big thanks to all of you who have replied.  Each of you has shared some really helpful advice.  Though we all share a common pain/experience, it's obvious we all bring a unique perspective to the table.  We all bring our unique experience which helps make sense of this very complex and painful situation.  

I do want to share that I've taken steps to take care of myself.  I have been seeing a counselor for the past month and have went to couples counseling once - which was helpful.  I've shared a bit of my experience with about 3-4 close friends, but only a few select family members.  I envision a much brighter future for myself and know I will get there eventually. I am still relatively young, in great shape - both physically and mentally, and know I have a lot to offer.  I'm just taking it one day at a time for now though.