Hope, thank you for joining and posting.  Your situation is very similar to mine -- I'm 61 years old, been through a lot of financial hardship over the years, and being financially stable is finally on the horizon.  I have a hard time sometimes with people who reflexively tell me "Get a divorce!  You'll be so happy!" when from all I can see, it's going to leave me living out my remaining years scrimping to make ends meet.  Not to sound like a cliche here, but I did put the best years of my life making this marriage work, in no small part making it work financially so that I'd someday have the ability to reap the rewards of my hard work.  

I wish I could talk to my husband the way you could talk to yours, because I think my husband is very deeply in denial.  So I'm at a stage where I have to figure out how I can emotionally separate from him; maybe I live in the same house but we go our separate ways.

The bottom line is that it doesn't matter WHY they're doing something (fantasy)
It doesn't matter what's wrong with society
What matters is if what they're doing works for you and your marriage.  If not, then none of the rest of it matters.

LOTS of marriages have porn in them - it's considered normal and healthy in today's society.  It's not to me.  It doesn't work for me.  I told my now husband that.  He tried to normalize it - "it doesn't MEAN anything", "We learn to do this when we're boys - it's a lifelong practice by now", and "I'm not comparing you to them", "It's not hurting anyone", and "Yes, you are enough for me".  I DON'T GIVE A SHIT.  You can talk all day.  It's not for me.  And I'm half of this relationship.  If you want the porn more than you want me/us, then go ahead - have it.  But then you won't have ME.  Which do you choose?  He chose me.  He still thought it was ridiculous.  He would have no problem with me looking at porn of other men.  Okay - then if it's no big deal, then he should be fine with me sharing MY body online with other men, right?  NOPE!   My body is only for HIS eyes.  Fine.  Then your eyes are only for my body.  Got it?  Unless it's fine with you for me to share my body with others, then quit eyeballing others' bodies.  And in the end, even though he clearly wanted to continue his porn habit, he said, "Well, it's not as important to me as you are.  So if this is what it takes to make you happy, then so be it".  Done.

Can I say that he never, EVER looks at porn?  No.  I'm not that dumb.  But it's been accepted that it's NOT okay with me, and you're not FREE to do it with my blessing and permission.  That means that if you're found doing it, there is going to be a BIG problem.  I told you this was a line with me, you accepted that and committed to it, and so therefore you get that it's off limits.  And you get that it's one of my "prices".  Just like you having a job and sharing household responsibility and treating me with respect.  There are requirements.  And I've made them known, and they've been communicated to you.  And now you get to choose if you want to do those things in order to be in a relationship with me.  If you say you can't/won't, then fine - WALK.  Then we're not a good match for each other.  I get your requirements, too.  Same deal.  If we find areas that we can't agree upon, we can see if there's room for compromise.  Like maybe we only watch porn together, when initiated by me.  If I'm not game for that and you're not game for no porn, then we're at an impasse.

To me, it's non negotiatable that you don't share pics of your privates with others.  I commit to the same.  If you can't do that, then walk, buddy.  I have every right to make requirements, and you have every right to walk away from them.  But quit pretending you're abiding and then sneaking it.  That ain't cool.  Be who you are, and decide where you can compromise.  End of story.

Kel

Hope,

I totally understand.  I am younger than you, but I'm still almost 50.  I think we fall into this trap where we feel that because we're older, we only have a few more years left, and we don't want to be alone in them.  And we don't want to deconstruct the lives we built together.  But what if...... you have another 20 or more years on the planet?  It's totally possible.  You'd see it as being alone for your last 20 years.  I'd see it as having 20 years to be happy without the Chinese water torture of living with someone who is driving you mad every day.  I found my now husband SO fast after my gay ex left that it's not even funny.  And I don't think it's impossible for others to do the same.  We are understanding, loving, accepting, dedicated people with lots of love to give.  Once that's unleashed into the universe, it's almost as though others in the same situation can find you now - and they can appreciate you in a way that only other scorned and abandoned people can.  I wouldn't be who I am today without having gone through what I went through with my gay ex.  And my now husband wouldn't be who he is if he hadn't gone through what he's gone through with his ex's.  They make us individuals who appreciate every.little.thing our spouse does for us.  We're both grateful every day for finding each other.  And it makes us treat each other like the gift that we are to each other - the extraordinary find that we've been blessed with.

It can happen to you, too.  It could. I get what you're saying.  But if you had 20 years left, would you want to spend them in a mediocre relationship?

Kel

Kel,

​I hear what you're saying.  Believe me Iam not in fear of living out my golden years alone.  I have plenty of family to keep me busy, besides I am kind of a loner anyway.  It all comes down to the money. I have to decide if or when I want to divide that all up.  We are fortunate to have 2 houses in 2 separate states so that may be an option.  

​But I do love this guy.   It's me knowing this other side of him that I feel cheated upon.

Kel
​Another thought.  Your ex was gay mine is a CD.  I have no experience living with gay but I do think it is different.  To the outside world my husband is a man's man.  He and his buddies shoot, hunt, golf and I mean all over the world.  He is not one to look in the mirror, as a man, to check out his appearance. His manly priorities are cleaning his guns & sitting with the guys drinking a single malt.

​His problem is when he is not occupied enough, mostly late at night, the porn starts up.

​So maybe a gay husband can be the same, like I said I have no experience with gay.  But when I do meet one they just seem very feminine. Did you not notice when you where married to him that something was a little off?