OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum » Sick at Heart

Turning Dove · August 7, 2016 2:22 am

My husband of 12 years has finally broken down and confessed that he has cheated on me with both men and women. Both "amateurs" and prostitutes.

In November 2015, I found a charge for a membership to Adult Friendfinder on his checking account while I was paying bills. I held onto his laptop so he couldn't erase things and made him login.

I saw women friends on it and a set of messages planning an assignation between him and a hairy vagina spread wide open with fingers. (That was what she looked like in her profile picture.)

I found no men friends on that account. I also found out he was on other dating sites.

He claimed that he did not go through with it because he was short on money. When I asked him why he was looking for someone to cheat on me with, he said his self-esteem was low because of career problems and he thought the attention would give it a boost.

I asked him if he would have cheated on me if he had enough money and he said yes. Then he tried to smooth it over and promised to cancel his membership.

Moron alert: I forgave him. What kind of idiot am I? He actually told me he would have cheated on me if he had the money!

Last week we were asleep in the wee hours (3 am) and the phone rings. He has a short conversation with a male voice. The next day I tell him I thought I heard the phone ring and who called. He said there was no phone call. I looked at the caller ID on the house phone. Nothing. Then I remembered it was his cellphone's ring. I checked caller ID on his cellphone and found a strange number. I googled it and a page on "Boyscort" popped up advertising the services of a gay male escort.

I confronted him and he acted truly surprised. He looked at the pic and said that was his friend from a job he worked 2 years ago and he showed me the guy's Facebook page and, sure enough, the guy was a former coworker.

I looked at a text message between he and the guy and it was cryptic but indicated he wanted to go meet the guy. The guy said he couldn't, as he was at "7 lakes." Then my husband wrote, "Enjoy!"

I put two and two together, and I remembered he had mentioned that some of his friends go on all guy camping trips. So I searched on this and I found out Seven Lakes was an area in Harrison State Park in upstate NY. Then I found the details of where the best gay anonymous sex meetup spots were on a website called "Cruising Gays -- City Hookup Guide."

So he knew his friend was gay ... and now I know he is too. I dissected one of his dating site names and it had the word "bear" in it. I googled the term as it relates to gay men, and sure enough, it is a gay "type." This type is often bearded. He usually shaves. I had been wondering why he would grow a beard and keep it for a short time. Now I know. He did that because he must have been meeting "someone special."

When he broke down and admitted to the gay activity, he literally swore on his mother's life that all he ever did with the gay guys (and the female AFF sluts) was get handjobs and get blowjobs.

He said that isn't sex, he never has actual sex with them. What's the big deal?

Has anyone else heard this particular brand of bullshit:

Furthermore, he said straight guys get handjobs and blowjobs from gays all the time because they as men know how to do them the best and he could close his eyes and imagine it's a woman doing it.

So it's not sex, no big deal to hetero men, and men are different than women because they have a stronger sex drive. (Huh? You admit you have a sex drive?) Anyway he just tried it, that's all. He isn't gay. Blah blah blah.

When I asked him what he would do if I had sex with other men, naturally he said he would leave me!

IMO he is too knowledgeable about "The Life" than a heterosexual man who "just wants a really good blowjob."

Some of the worst parts are:

He never kisses me on the mouth anymore and turns his head if I try to kiss him and I can barely peck him on the cheek. Now I know why.

He has only gone down on me once in 12 years of marriage (and it was unpleasant as he had no idea what he was doing). Now I know why.

He started avoiding sex in the last year and a half with the following excuses:

He is depressed.

His antidepressant makes him not want to have sex.

When I suggested trying an antidepressant with less side effects, he said no, those don't agree with me.

Lately when he did break down and have sex, it's a half mast limp noodle and he cannot climax most of the time.

Interesting how he can get it up for AFF sluts and gay men, but he can't with his wife. I mean, he's depressed, he's on antidepressants! How is it that problem just comes into play when it's me?

A couple of months ago when I tried to initiate sex, he laid down the law! He said I cannot expect sex more than once every two months! I was stunned. Well now I know exactly why!

Is that horrible or what? I, his wife, am a sexual leper to him! I'm married to a man and sex-starved! He humiliated me as a woman to the very core of my being. He might as well have taken a butcher knife and ripped me wide open.

The very worst part:

I used to have a good job, but am now unable to work anymore. Truth be told, the majority of our marriage I was the provider, always waiting for him to get his act together.

Well I have to face it, he wasn't trying very hard. If I really face it, he was using me because getting off his irresponsible ass was too hard.

Now I need him to help me! In the past, I could have easily walked away with no financial problems. Now I don't have enough money to support myself in the area I live in.

Besides that, I need to have an operation that will literally keep me off my feet for a couple of months. I have no kids. Nobody else to help me in our home. Just him.

He is back home in another country because his father was very sick and now has died. (I know this is true because I speak to his mom and sister.)

One part of me says, "Tell him not to come home!"

The other part tells me, "Let him come back and use him for money like he did me and save up my own money. Use him for help like all the times I went above and beyond the call of duty to help him."

Then another part of me says, "What if you grit your teeth and bear it by keeping him around and he saves up his money to leave me? What if one of his lovers takes him in?"

I'm in a terrible position one way or the other. I loved him. I was in love with him. My heart literally hurts me. I now understand why the term heartbroken is used. I feel ashamed he got over on me for so long. I feel like I wasted over a decade of my life, getting older every day, with nothing to show for it but to be proven a fool.

One thing we cannot get back is time and it sickens me that I wasted those younger years with him.

Last edited by Turning Dove (August 7, 2016 2:32 am)

Rob · August 7, 2016 7:23 am

Turningdove,

So sorry about your hurt. You've come to the right place..a step..

The best thing phychologically to do would be to tell him not to come home and make a clean break..money be damned.

But we live in an expensive world and if you need time to get on your feet I say use him to gather strength. Don't bother snooping anymore you know the truth. Take small steps each day for yourself.

I can only sympathize with your treatment but many of have been abused ..yes abused by our spouses like this...they may not be physically hitting us but we are abused in so many other ways.

Small steps..be kind to yourself..gather all financial info..maybe open a checking account one day.. look for lawyers one day..

A sincere e-hug.

Retired&Lost · August 7, 2016 2:54 pm

Turning Dove... My heart goes out to you after reading your post. I have just discovered this site(where was it 2 yrs ago when I found out my partner(male) of 10 yrs was on CL soliciting for male sex, had a nude frontal pic on his phone and also on gay chat areas. I found out all this when things just didn't seem right upon my return from visiting a family member(different state) so I checked his PC. I was shocked, confronted him, he lied he actively engaged in sex and was doing this bc he was bored and "breaking some gay guys chops" bc they "pissed him off"...WTF??? After I went thru a multitude of emotions and visually trying to envision him with another man, it sickened me and I went into denial and this has been swept under the rug the past 2 years! Now, all this is coming to surface bc I'm having to visit this family member again and you can imagine the thoughts going thru my mind. I have taken an early retirement feeling he and I could handle the house(mine) and bills which he does contribute to so find myself online searching for a JOB at this stage in my life!!!! Scary but my suggestion to you is to DO WHAT YOU THINK WILL GET YOU THROUGH THIS whether emotionally or financially at this point.....no sense in rehashing his lying and obvious betrayal of your trust....I'm only new to this site but from reading many posts and stories, I will be doing what is GOOD FOR ME....my health and sanity at this point. I can only imagine what stresses you are experiencing but DO know the feelings you are going through first hand! Stay here with this support to help you get through this... I considered a face to face support group but it is a 2 hr drive from my house.....ugh

Turning Dove · August 8, 2016 1:20 am

Thank you Rob and Retired&Lost!

I was tested for STDs, HIV, and Hepatitis at my County health center clinic last Thursday. I called that day to make an appointment. An appointment had been cancelled so I went in. Without this cancellation, I may have had to wait a couple of weeks.

I didn't go to my regular gyn doctor because I was too embarrassed. I didn't use my insurance because I was afraid for them to have it in their records.

I spent over 3 hours there. The exam was horrible. There was a female doctor performing it, a male student watching, and then they had to call yet another doctor to take a look. He decided I had a yeast infection (first one in at least a decade).

When I told them what my husband had done, they decided to run all tests which they usually do, plus a few others they don't usually do like hepatitis.

I was so nervous I spilled part of my urine sample all over my shirt and on my jeans too.

They took so many vials of blood that I thought I was going to run out of it myself.

A horrible experience for the day.

Now there's a new torture I am going through, which is waiting for the results and having my imagination run wild as to what I may have.

My next appointment is for August 13.

Did you go for tests? Was it to one of your regular doctors? How did the experience go for you?

Last edited by Turning Dove (August 8, 2016 11:32 am)

Rob · August 8, 2016 5:59 am

That must count as the most courageous step..doing what needs to be done.

The ultimate betrayal.

I did not get tested...im banking on the fact that my ex, like a light switch, stopped coming near me. I think I know when they first got together. .seems to correspond with my discard. Prior to their hookup there was an increase in sex though..I think she was deciding between us.

Now I'm not so sure. Should I get tested ..its been years since she came near me.

How evil are these spouses...

Last edited by Rob (August 8, 2016 6:03 am)

Still Wondering · August 8, 2016 10:07 am

Turning Dove,

So sorry you're here. Yes, I did go for testing. He had already given me herpes right before our wedding (but being totally unfamiliar with STDs I allowed my doctor to convince me that this happens all the time and that it could have been something he had been harboring in his body for years). This is actually true. Many people carry the herpes virus and don't even know it. It can come out years later. So - I let it slide. If I had been given all the facts (such as he watches gay porn and takes pictures of his dick) then my brain would have gone to a very different place and I never would have married him. But...years later when it allll came out and the shit hit the fan I did get tested for all the HIV and hepatitis, etc. I went to my regular doctor. I refuse to be embarrassed for someone else's behavior. Just remember this: no matter what you throw at most doctors, they have seen worse! Don't be embarrassed. Unless you have a hamster stuck up your ass, they've probably seen worse

So - now for the next part. You already know everything you need to know about him. You already have proof. Now you need to do what's right for you. You need to decide if you need freedom or if you need to wait to gather more money to be free. There's no right or wrong answer. He has done what's right for him all this time. It's time for you to do what's right for you.

Turning Dove · August 8, 2016 11:49 am

Rob wrote:
That must count as the most courageous step..doing what needs to be done.

The ultimate betrayal.

I did not get tested...im banking on the fact that my ex, like a light switch, stopped coming near me. I think I know when they first got together. .seems to correspond with my discard. Prior to their hookup there was an increase in sex though..I think she was deciding between us.

Now I'm not so sure. Should I get tested ..its been years since she came near me.

How evil are these spouses...

I would get tested. Some of these diseases are asymptomatic and fester invisibly. They don't go away by themselves.

My BIL donated blood at a blood drive. They found he had Hep C and helped him find treatment. He was very surprised.

My mom (RN) had a nice, old fashioned wife who immigrated here decades ago. She was married to the same man for decades. Well there she was dying in the hospital with late stage syphilis in her brain. She never knew about it until they found it when she started showing symptoms. She was not the one who stepped out on the marriage.

Al Capone died of late-stage syphilis also.

So I would advise getting tested no matter how long ago it was.

Turning Dove · August 8, 2016 11:56 am

Still Wondering wrote:
Turning Dove,

So sorry you're here. Yes, I did go for testing. He had already given me herpes right before our wedding (but being totally unfamiliar with STDs I allowed my doctor to convince me that this happens all the time and that it could have been something he had been harboring in his body for years). This is actually true. Many people carry the herpes virus and don't even know it. It can come out years later. So - I let it slide. If I had been given all the facts (such as he watches gay porn and takes pictures of his dick) then my brain would have gone to a very different place and I never would have married him. But...years later when it allll came out and the shit hit the fan I did get tested for all the HIV and hepatitis, etc. I went to my regular doctor. I refuse to be embarrassed for someone else's behavior. Just remember this: no matter what you throw at most doctors, they have seen worse! Don't be embarrassed. Unless you have a hamster stuck up your ass, they've probably seen worse

So - now for the next part. You already know everything you need to know about him. You already have proof. Now you need to do what's right for you. You need to decide if you need freedom or if you need to wait to gather more money to be free. There's no right or wrong answer. He has done what's right for him all this time. It's time for you to do what's right for you.

The main reason I used the County health department was that I didn't want this in my health insurance records. HIPPA or not, insurers share info amongst themselves in certain circumstances.

More than embarrassed, maybe the better thing to say was how crushed I am as a woman to find out my husband cannot or will not perform with me and blames it on antidepressants.

And then to find out the bastard can get it up fine for random men and women. For me, that was the ultimate in humiliation.

As for next steps, we have lived in the same place since we got married. A lot of stuff has accumulated. I am currently clearing it all out with an eye to being able to pack as light as I can.

I've already thrown out a lot and I have bags of clothes to donate and a bunch of stuff I am donating for a tag sale the VFW is having next Saturday. Wish me luck getting as much as possible done swiftly!

Last edited by Turning Dove (August 8, 2016 12:01 pm)

Kel · August 8, 2016 1:01 pm

Years before disclosure, I found what was the biggest clue to my gay ex husband's sexuality. He'd sighed up online for matches on Yahoo dating for gay men. I remember being LIVID that here I was, begging him for sex, and he was seeking out other people (men!) to get together with, all the while telling me that he just didn't have much of a sex drive. I considered it such a betrayal that he was putting me off when I was unhappy, and acting like I wanted something dirty and was oversexed, and portrayed himself as chaste. Only to find out that he wanted it just as badly - just not with ME! I was so upset about that part in particular. I don't care if you ever got around to actually cheating - what you did was a betrayal and we both know it. You know it, I know it, and you know that I know it. Quit treating me like I'm some stupid kid who's comet you for candy before dinner and you denied me of something that didn't matter. What you denied me of was human love and intimacy - while in the deepest level of committed intimacy (marriage). You robbed me, told me I was never robbed, and then gave all my stuff to someone else. What an asshole he was. What a chump I was for staying with him.

Anyone that tells you that getting a hand job or blow job from someone else isn't cheating is lying to you. They know it's cheating. If YOU did it to another man, you can bet the farm they would think you were cheating. Threaten to go do that and you'll get a different reaction than the one they expect from you over the same actions.

Not to mention that if a man loves a handjob or blowjob that much that he's willing to go outside his marriage to get it, it's ridiculous to be turning your advances down. Usually married men will cheat because they desire something their woman can't or won't give them. If you're more than willing to sexually please him, he has ZERO reason to go get the same thing from someone else that he can get from you.

And being able to stay hard and climax with others but not you is speaking volumes. Basically he's saying that he'll do whatever he wants, and he won't do anything he doesn't want to do - even if you can't be happy that way. It's allllll about him. He feels entitled to this, and he refuses to feel guilty. He's compartmentalized everything so he won't feel badly about it. How easy.

Kel

Turning Dove · August 8, 2016 3:36 pm

WARNING: IF VERY BAD LANGUAGE AND WICKED CURSING OFFENDS YOU, YOU MAY NOT WANT TO READ THIS RANT OF A POST!

Kel

I see you've been through exactly what I have been! Yeah mine acted like I was being "unfeminine" and too pushy if I wanted sex and made me feel like he found me repulsive.

Yep the lie that straight men go to gays for blowjobs and handjobs is ridiculous.

I got news for all of them, especially the ones who claim they're bisexual.

People who are bisexual can be in a monogamous relationship with the opposite sex.

Being SSA is not a pass to cheat on their heterosexual partner as they would like us to believe!

Yes he is very spoiled and selfish. I was a good wife. Let him find another one to treat him like I did among his twinkies and fudge packers and female sluts who don't even require payment to let strange men use their bodies.

I respect prostitutes 110% more than these pathetic bitches. At least prosties get paid!

Which cornholer is going to take care of my husband, the Auntie Bear? Nobody that's who. He's 43. That's almost a fossil in their culture.

Who's going to take care of him among his cum sluts who are such degenerates that their profile pic is one holding their beef curtains wide open?

These bitches are too stupid to even get PAID.

Unpaid prostitutes are not the best domestic types, especially when it comes to one of the ramdom men who uses them in their endless fuck fest. They've got other things on their minds than being Suzy Homemaker.

I doubt they can even count all the dicks that have plowed through them since they've been on Adult Friendfinder.

None of those bitches (male or female) are going to switch into June Cleaver for him like I was.

Sorry if my language offends anyone. I usually don't talk this way. I looked up some terms to describe these filthy beasts so I could express my hatred for them as fully as possible.

I would like to punch their faces and kick their teeth out after setting their genitals on fire.

This goes for my Auntie Bear husband -- even more than the rest of them.

It's not a "pick me" battle or blaming them for "leading him astray."

It's punishment for daring to use their filthy bodies to cheat with my husband and help him disrupt MY life!

Anyone who messes with MY LIFE like they have been doing deserve to have their skulls split open for exposing me to their diseases and making my life miserable by cheating with my husband. Him the most though. There's a special place in both Hell and my Revenge Playbook for him.

They better pray that there never comes a time when I don't care if I end up in prison for life because I will look them up and pretend to be whatever they are seeking in order to be alone with them.

As for the MAIN AGITANT, my husband, he has plenty in store for him.

/end rant

Last edited by Turning Dove (August 8, 2016 4:31 pm)

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Rob wrote:

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Still Wondering wrote:

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