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1 - Goonnowgo
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You are strong. Not.
I am 17 months post discovery of TGT. I feel at my lowest right now. He is escalating drinking and his secret life. He lost employment. I cannot live with him in the same house any longer. It is impossible for me to make a new life with him here. It is daily emotional torture. He is like a ghost who has stolen my life and my best friend when I need him the most. I am tired of being told that I am a strong person by my very limited support sustem. I feel very alone and overwhelmed. I have to make an entirely new life after 32 years of marriage. I have to watch him decline into darkness and make him move out. I don't even know if he feels anything or not. He doesn't seem to care just how low I am. He chooses to not communicate about any of it. I am tired of being told I am strong by people who still have their lives. I am not strong. I feel absolutely awful. He is supposed to be looking at apartments. He is out drinking every day. I could use a few words of support. I feel so weak after going through so many parts of this nightmare. I feel I have made no progress out of it. I have a post-nup. I am still trying to make our financial lives as separate as possible. I feel overwhelmed by all of it.
- Goonnowgo
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Re: You are strong. Not.
It serms insane to write this but every time I lay eyes on him I still feel something. Attachment? Pity? I wish I loathed him more than I do. I know my marriage is over. Its not what I wanted but its over. I need to take better care of myself. I feel truly, deeply in grief even though I have been grieving fo so long! I feel like my support people are judgemental. Be strong and get over it. But I am still suffering so much. I really need some coping skills.
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Thread Starter- Daryl
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Re: You are strong. Not.
It's unusual for anyone to just 'get over it' and move on. This is a big part of your life you are trying to move away from. You might find some coping skills by reading a bit about grief. There are many similarities to this situation and grief over someone passing on. You are grieving the death of a marriage/relationship. Take things one day at a time. Any step, great or small, is progress.
“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
- Lynne
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Re: You are strong. Not.
delete
Last edited by Lynne (February 3, 2019 2:15 pm)
- Goonnowgo
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Re: You are strong. Not.
Daryl, Thank you for responding. You are so right. It is like a death but there is no finality to it. My STBXH will not give me any closure by talking about any of it. I have to find my own way of letting him be permanently gone from my life. I tried to offer some sort of friendship or cooperation moving forward but he doesnt even seem capable of that. I am struggling to find meaning for myself and think of things that matter other than my loss. It is so hard to do what we should do when we are emotionally hurting so much. I keep thinking that I am still crying so frequently but he has not shed a tear for me to my knowledge. No tears for me or his son. How is that even possible? I think he does not want the loss of us completely he wants it both ways. But he no longer gets to make the choice. He has already lost us. He emotionally abandoned us years ago. I guess that is why I am crying and he is not. So in death the separation is not by choice. But in our case he chose to do this to all of us. Maybe that makes it worse or maybe better than death but the grief is still so terrible. I will look at the book you suggested. Thank you so much for listening.
Last edited by Goonnowgo (December 26, 2017 9:32 pm)
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Thread Starter- Goonnowgo
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Re: You are strong. Not.
Lynne, Thank you! Just your short note made me feel better. Just knowing I am not alone is a big relief. I am also going to get some rest to try to do that one thing to take care of myself. My thoughts are with you. 38 years. Hugs to you.
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Thread Starter- Rob
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Re: You are strong. Not.
Goonnow,
A quote from the Back To Life book I'm reading;
"An important part of feeling well again is hurting yourself less".
Or as Kel put it me once ..don't you jump on your her bandwagon in hurting you.
We will never know how they are capable of no emotion and so much hurt. I'm done going through this and I can only conclude my GX has a broken moral core.
No contact is an important step in stopping the hurt. Words only hurt more..in your case even looking at him hurts.
A kind e-hug.
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- Lynne
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Re: You are strong. Not.
Deleted.
Last edited by Lynne (October 3, 2020 6:31 pm)
- Goonnowgo
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Re: You are strong. Not.
Lynne,
Wow, great video. It is so accurate. I recall having to have a minor medical procedure done years ago and having the Dr. Ask me who calms me physically. Guess who? My darling husband! He literally used to make me feel calmer just by being around me. Thank you for sharing this. It is a profound reminder that we are bonded chemically to our mates. Makes me feel less stupid for the choices I have made. I realize intellectually that he has to leave the house so I can break the bonds. He is looking at apartments. I have gradually stopped all other interactions with him so this is the last big step to break free.
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Thread Starter- Kel
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Re: You are strong. Not.
It's almost impossible to move on when you're dealing with the destruction daily in front of your eyes. It's like expecting to emotionally heal from a horrible tornado when you're still sitting among the rubble. The start of that process is looking around and realizing what's gone. You've done that. The next part of the process is getting rid of all of the destruction - and not living in it while that's being done. That's where you're stuck because you get to deal with the fallout because you're still living in a house with no roof and you feel it every time the wind blows or it so much as sprinkles. It simply cannot be done - you must get to a safe place where you are in no more danger of the elements reigning over you. One of you has to leave in order to do that. Otherwise it's like trying to ignore that the torn-up house full of holes has let in a family of raccoons who are now wrecking havoc on your life as you try to clean up the mess.
The issue, I know, is trying to get him out. How does a person do that when their spouse clearly is making no headway on doing that? It's a question without a good answer considering that we cannot just legally toss someone out without the legal system insisting that they be allowed back in. I mean,.... you could TRY it - put all his stuff into boxes and bags and have it all out on the driveway when he gets home. He might not know his rights enough to know that you can't do that. Maybe he'll call the cops and you will be informed that you can't do that - then you're really not in any different of a place than you are now. Fine - then the packed-up boxes come back into the home, which will make it inconvenient to live for him. It sends a clear warning shot that you're dead serious about him getting OUT, though. Then he cannot be surprised with the next day he is contacted by his lawyer to say that you've started proceedings to have him removed from the house. Right now he wants to live as though nothing will happen until he makes it happen. Make it clear that you're not at his mercy. He currently thinks he's able to get away with doing exactly what he wants, because well...... you're not able to do a thing about it. But if you make him miserable enough, he'll likely leave. You could start asking him every 10 minutes when he's leaving. You could move him out of the bedroom if you're still sharing it. You could ask your lawyer for suggestions on getting your ex out - what your rights are, and what options you have. Do everything you can to get him to move out. I know that seems redundant - because of course you're already doing that. But kick it into high gear and see what happens. He's too comfortable right now. Until he's uncomfortable, he's not going to move out.
As for people telling you that you need to just get over it, that's bullshit. You simply cannot do that until he's out. It's the same thing as you living in a tornado house and them telling you that you're strong and to just get over it - that storms happen. No one would say that to someone still sitting among the rubble. They may not understand that's what you're up against. They may assume that you're simply not getting over the loss of the marriage, when you haven't even gotten to that point yet.
Is there any way for you and your son to move out temporarily? I mean, I know it sounds counterintuitive. But it might be necessary to start the healing. You could always move back in later, after the divorce is final and he's REQUIRED to move out. It's something to think about.
Kel
Last edited by Kel (January 2, 2018 10:30 am)
You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.