Wow! I am at the point too that I don't want to confront him anymore!  He always has excuse and then there we go on a big fight of words! I am tired!
I also decided to write my husband!  This time I think that's it!  I can't take it anymore!  I have been in the closet with him for more than 6 years!  Enough is enough!
I need to be myself not him!
What was holding me was my son that has cerebral palsy!  My son is now 20 years!  It's not going to be be easy because all my family are overseas!
Love to read all the posts and commend they encourage me! Thanks everybody to share!

Yeah sally..  no contact is key whether you be away from your gay spouse or in the same house with them.

I spent the last year in the same house as my gay raging now ex.  I would not recommend it but financially it helped.  But I longed fora safe haven everyday.  I used to park on the side of road dreading to go home.

Avoiding them by any means necessary. .no contact...helps so much..it is mandatory and necessary. There is nothing we have to say to them anyway..no way to fix what they have done.

May we all find a safe haven away from the abuse and TGT.

PS: I identified so much with the Nicholas sparks book and movie Safe Haven ..which is pretty pathetic for a guy but there it is... I was just short of being physically abused ...if not for my kids I would have fled and changed my name....

Last edited by Rob (August 7, 2016 7:38 am)

Primarily to 'Dear Retired & Lost' but with equal love to other traumatized Str8s  -

Congratulations on your awakening and starting transition from victim to butterfly. Welcome to our forum.  

My heart goes out to you. I suffered a female GID like yours for almost 4 decades. When my son was out and away, I jumped off the Merry Go Round. 

Don’t expect any truth from him.  DON’T BE CAKE.  SSA folk know who they are and what they want - cake. Words are just something they use to keep useful Str8 spouses (beards).
 http://www.chumplady.com/2012/04/the-unified-theory-of-cake/   Another great page there that likely covers myths he’s told you: http://www.chumplady.com/archives/

He’ll say whatever he needs to keep you in place and useful to him.  My GIDXW’s most poignant closing line while gayly packing up to end 3+ decades of marriage was telling me she considered admitting her gay cheating and assuring me she would stop it and be faithful from then on. Then, after she'd patched things she would reassemble her girl posse on the down low. Her sister told her this would be unfair to me. (I miss my sister in law.) 

Eight years out now, I’m a happy, healthy, semi-retired singleton with a loving son and daughter-in-law. 
But I had waited until leaving was a life-and-death matter for me. Having not extricated myself from that intolerable situation, my body got sick to do it for me. Three weeks before divorce I excised a cancerous prostate, another thing set on killing me, ending life dreams of a full on hetero relationship. Since, mouth washes, fillings, root canals, root scrapings, implants, etc are yet cleaning out bacterial community property she brought home.

I understand you’ve invested over a decade building a (false) life with this cheater, so understandably hope when you open your eyes again, all will be different.  That’s common in betrayed, beguiled Str8s.  Your longing is for the LIE he projected NOT the REAL HIM and the CLOSET he’s constructed, which you now see in full light.  

Sadly heard too often on this site “I do love him and he tells me and definitely shows me that he loves me...” Illogical longing for him to be the illusion you want, rather than what he’s now proven to be may be trauma bonding.  When recovered, you’ll appreciate in intimate relationships we need love not dependency.  I know this well.  I stayed frozen, unable to act in my own self interest for decades – the while knowing I was wasting my life for a GIDer with no more regard for consuming me than I had for a carrot on a salad tray. I’m well beyond it now, but after we split, I still missed her! 
 
You might intellectually be able to handle the truth of your situation, but your subconscious (real self) will die trying to extricate you (the beard) from his dark closet you’re tending alongside him.  What you KNOW makes you fully equipped to act in your own self interest, exemplifying to your family that YOUR LIFE is yours to live, not his to use. 

I’ve found old, retired and alone is a vast improvement over old, retired and waking up each morning to stuff feelings anew about living with a dishonest, lying, live-in cheater.  Should you decide to throw this stinky fish back, then when ready cast yourself out there for another relationship, you’ll find hundreds of honest senior guys on community dating sites a heads up, conscious lady might start afresh with. 
 
The choice before you is to grow or wither, live or die. 

Advice: 1) Assemble your professional lawyer, therapist, doctor team, 2) Get him out and away so you have space to grow and 3) keep your sympathy and finances for yourself. 

You have a brilliant new life ahead just beyond your 1) understanding, 2) acceptance, and 3) hard work. 

Pray, exercise, rejoice, get the best lawyer, divorce ASAP, build a wiser life.

Best wishes for a fabulous future. 

- John

Dear Sallyfindsout and Retired&Lost -

Sally - wow, holy crap!!  First, before you do ANYTHING else, make a copy of that recording.  Three copies.  Keep it in different formats in different places.  Even if you think you will never use it or need it (you will).  He will deny deny deny.  Trust me when I tell you that you will need to listen to it again to remind you that it actually did happen.  Yes, I know that sounds weird but as myself and others here have found out - they will use any tactic to convince you that certain things never happened.  Or that they don't "remember that".  Eventually you will find yourself asking: did I really hear that right?  Maybe it was just him and a friend talking.  Well, I'm here to tell you that keeping that on hand will save your sanity!  I found sexual emails to three different women (ya - women, he was equal opportunity I guess) on an old lap top.  Thank God I had my wits about me and started taking pics of the screen with my phone because that computer was mysteriously and accidentally dropped and destroyed after I confronted him.   The convincing was so good I almost believed it.  Until I reread that shit.

Retired - I'm sorry you find yourself here.  You are correct about there being patterns.  There also seem to be words and phrases that a lot of them use.  A few of yours caught my eye as the same ones my GID ex used.  Like "bored".  Mine used to use that as an excuse all the time.  No, I'm sorry, straight men don't do any of those things when they are bored.  They watch TV or go outside or 9000 other things they can think of other than watching gay porn or talking to gay men on craigslist. 

Another thing about your story that caught my eye was that it is very similar to what happened to my neighbor back when I was a kid (whose 62 year old husband was gay - except no one knew).  She used to go visit her sister in another state.  One time when she was away he went downtown and picked up a young guy in a gay club and took him to their home.  That young man proceeded to kill him by hitting him over the head with one of their lamps and then robbed him and took his car.  Four days later after no one had seen him outside and his wife couldn't get a hold of him my other neighbors went over and looked through the back window - then proceeded to call the cops.  He had been murdered right next door to me as we all slept.  Eventually, the young guy was caught and as the police interviewed more and more people it came to light that he was well known around all the gay bars.  Go figure.  A retired military guy with a wife and three grown sons had a second life for who knows how long.  And apparently every time she went out of town he kicked it up a notch.  That was my first experience ever with a gay in denial spouse.  I was 19.  Who knew it would become a factor in my life once again.

So yes - I think you should probably expect that as soon as you are out of the house he will most likely try to meet up with some of these people.  If you have the funds and you want to know for sure - hire a P.I. while you're gone.  It's not going to stop.  It may get better for a while as he tries to cut back and trick you in to thinking it's not happening.  But it will surface again.  It always does.