And BTW, I feel as you do in him trying to feel like a woman. Its is so demeaning. I have low self-esteem and look for male attention now. But now that I see it, I am trying to keep it in check.

I totally get it about having your self-esteem attacked.  Nothing like your husband's claiming "woman" and "femininity" and defining it in ways that exclude you (hairless, femme-y) to make you feel like a faulty woman.  

"Hoovering" is an attempt to get you to recommit, like "vacuuming you back up."  It's done by a few key manipulations on their part: "love bombing" (declaring their undying love, swearing they'll change, buying you gifts or otherwise "bombing" you with love) and "pity poor me" (in which they try to hook you with a story of how rough it is for them, working on your natural compassion and your habit of putting them first).  "Hysterical bonding" is a term from psychology; it's defined as seeking comfort from the one who hurts you.  When your partner hurts you with revelations that destroy your idea of your marriage (by cheating, by revealing they're gay/lesbian/trans; etc) you are desperate to "win them back" or "resecure your marriage" or "prove your worth as a partner"; for many people, myself included, hysterical bonding takes place in the form of having sex with them, which has the effect of re-cementing you to the relationship, mostly to your own detriment, either because your partner intends to leave anyway (as in a cheating spouse, gay or straight, who is leaving to pursue a life with another person or as a different person) or because your partner wants you to re-commit for his or her own purposes (to act as a "beard," for example).
   I fell victim to my husband's plea to help him and comfort him because thinking of how hard transition was going to be made him feel sad, and then to sex, which got me involved in exploring the whole autogynephilic dynamic.  It took months for the truth that I was only of use to him to sink in--he didn't love me, he just needed me as a prop in his drama.

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (December 17, 2017 5:18 pm)

Duped, So sorry this is the sad anniversary of your own particular trans bomb.  It does seem as if the more one reads and re-frames/re-writes the past the more one realizes (those A-ha! moments).  I think those moments are necessary steps in freeing us from being stuck; they may feel like obsessional thinking sometimes, but I think they're necessary processing, which help us build new selves that will help us choose better, develop better boundaries, and help us to understand we deserve better in the future.  Here's to future us, secure and happy!  And trans-free!

OutofHisCloset wrote:

"Hoovering" is an attempt to get you to recommit, like "vacuuming you back up."  It's done by a few key manipulations on their part: "love bombing" (declaring their undying love, swearing they'll change, buying you gifts or otherwise "bombing" you with love) and "pity poor me" (in which they try to hook you with a story of how rough it is for them, working on your natural compassion and your habit of putting them first).  "Hysterical bonding" is a term from psychology; it's defined as seeking comfort from the one who hurts you.  When your partner hurts you with revelations that destroy your idea of your marriage (by cheating, by revealing they're gay/lesbian/trans; etc) you are desperate to "win them back" or "resecure your marriage" or "prove your worth as a partner"; for many people, myself included, hysterical bonding takes place in the form of having sex with them, which has the effect of re-cementing you to the relationship, mostly to your own detriment, either because your partner intends to leave anyway (as in a cheating spouse, gay or straight, who is leaving to pursue a life with another person or as a different person) or because your partner wants you to re-commit for his or her own purposes (to act as a "beard," for example).
   I fell victim to my husband's plea to help him and comfort him because thinking of how hard transition was going to be made him feel sad, and then to sex, which got me involved in exploring the whole autogynephilic dynamic.  It took months for the truth that I was only of use to him to sink in--he didn't love me, he just needed me as a prop in his drama.

OOHC Thank you. I can see now that these techniques are being used. I cant tell what is even genuine anymore because I dont trust 100%of what I hear. Lately, he has been watching hypno sissy porn AND straight hypno porn. He says its about the "dirty talk". Being told to "take it" "you want cock" ect. I feel like the straight shit is just for "show" on his video history. He brought up the straight ones specifically, like that is supposed to make me feel better. He claims he is addicted to porn. I have been distant for at leaat 3 weeks. All of the sudden 1 week ago he throws his dildo away and stops watching all this tranny/sissy porn. When he told me this yesterday, i said i only think you threw it away for now cause you knew I was distant. He claims it was on his own accord. He says he doesnt like how it makes him feel; constantly thinking about sex, wanting to watch porn all the time, and he doesnt want to take time from his family and positive things. But he has tried to stop before. He goes a few months and needs to satisfy himself with anal penetration. I told him a year ago I am trying to accept this and that he cant change it. I told him he could do what he needs like watching porn and getting a dildo for himself. Obviously no contact with any people, no cheating. But I am trying to support who he really is while I figure out if I can/want to be married to a BI man. And when I feel upset with certain things I find, he is saying "I thought you said it was ok" and that just makes me feel like crap. I want to be ok with it. I am trying. But seeing the videos telling him to take it and he only wants cock hurts pretty bad. And then there is the its just sex. And "i dont need to have sex with a tranny. I want to. But if that means losing you I can go without it forever"
im scared to believe these things. He has been saying this for the last 6 years. I caught him talking to a tranny online 6 years ago but i have not ever caught him again. He swears his loyalty since then. But as you can see that has caused major damage.