You only get one shot at divorce and it will impact the rest of your life.  So you need to get it right.  Whose idea is it to do it without lawyers?  

How do you tell your parents - the same way you do anybody - carefully!  

In general whoever it is my suggestion is to just give the facts first and then take a moment to assess how they are feeling and how they are responding before pouring out the rest.  Because it is your parents it affects them deeply too and they are likely to give you enormous support and you can pour it out and they will share your feelings.  And it will make it better all round.

Mainly I think think about telling your kids.  They are the most vulnerable.  Thinking about telling them will help with telling everyone.

My parents were the people I was most stressed out to tell.  I hadn't told the kids yet, but I felt I had to tell my parents what was coming down the pike because as soon as the kids knew, my parents were going to know, too.  They kids overshare everything.  Lol.  Anyway, I was sure I'd be met with disappointment and disapproval.  And I wasn't wrong.  I was less concerned with breaking their hearts than I was with letting them down.  I was surprised that my dad seemed the most shocked - he seemed to be unable to speak.  My mom seemed angry and judgemental - but that's in line with her personality.  At the point of telling them, I still didn't have verification that my then-to-be ex was gay.  I'd just..... had enough.  Enough of not feeling loved, or seen.  It was difficult to describe to them, because to my ears, it sounded as though I was saying, "I'm not getting enough good sex", which just seemed,.... selfish.  My ex didn't help - although we were both sure that we wanted to divorce at that point, he acted as though this were completely my decision (we were both there together to tell my folks).  As though he understood why I wanted a divorce, but gave no understandable reason.  I just kept saying that this (the marriage) wasn't working anymore.

My dad, as I said, sat there with his mouth open.  My mom was like, "Oh KELLY.  Really?".  She then said something akin to "I knew when you two got married that this wasn't going to work.  I told you that."  When I told my sister later that that's what my mom said, she said, "F'ing WHAT?  You've been married for SIXTEEN years.  You got an I-told-you-so after a decade and a HALF?  WTF???"  Yeah, exactly how I felt.  When I left that day, my ex was in the car, and my mom made me promise while walking out the front door that I wouldn't initiate filing for divorce until after being separated for at least 6 months.  Just in case we could work it out.  I promised her, but I knew I had no intention of keeping said promise.  But it didn't matter - it would be at least another year until he would move out.  By then, the writing was on the wall for everyone (including my siblings and their spouses) to see.  At some point, my sister told them all that my ex was gay, and that's what all the issues stemmed from.  I was upset (and am still hurt) that when that happened, NO.ONE contacted me to say that they not understood, or to ask if I was okay, or to offer their support.  But they stopped bugging me to keep trying, which was enough relief for me at the time to just be grateful that they shut the hell up about it.  Still, my mom in particular kept up the refrain "But the kids".

Even after the divorce was finalized and I had gotten remarried, my mom would blame any emotional issues with the kids (including getting some bad grades, or lying about something) on my divorce.  "Do you think the divorce had anything to do with this?"  WHAT the f*ck difference does it make now?  What am I supposed to do, go back and remarry the liar so my kids won't get a D in the subject they hate with all their being???  And in every case, it was quite obvious that the behavior didn't have anything to do with the divorce, anyway.  Every single issue had started long before my ex and I decided to divorce.  Issue grow with the kids - anything that doesn't get smaller gets bigger - just like the rest of us humans.  She tried to blame my emotionally disturbed oldest son's increasing behavior issues on the divorce.  My son was 14 and a freshman in H.S. when we divorced.  He had been on meds for ADHD since he was SEVEN - in first grade.  That was after years of an evident problem.  As he hit adolescence, the problem grew with him - in spurts.  My mom KNEW all of this.  She knew how difficult it was for my ex and my son to get along long before the divorce.  I'm positive that if I'd had stayed with my ex, she'd have blamed my son's behavior on their relationship.  She's always looking for a scapegoat.  I had to get to the point where it was enough for ME to know the truth, and to not let it get into my head when she constantly suggested that I had done life all wrong.  Finally one day I just said to her (after she'd once again insinuated that something was the fault of the divorce), "Mom, WHEN are you going to stop trying to make me feel guilty about this?  What was I supposed to do?  I had a GAY HUSBAND.  What would YOU have done?"  She tried to skate out of it by saying, "I wasn't happy with your father, either.  But I had children to consider."  And I just said, "Okay, and guess what?  We've all been out of the house for 25 years now.  And you're still there, miserable.  I'm sorry, but you're my example of what NOT to do.  I don't want to turn around 25 years from now and wish I'd made my break when I had the courage and ability to do so.  Maybe you think you're stronger than me.  Then so be it.  See me as weak, if you want.  Too weak to do what you did.  That's fine with me.  But get OFF of this, already.  You bring it up, but the kids haven't for years now.  It's only you.  I've put a much better man in my children's lives.  You SEE that.  You see how they love him and how well he takes care of them.  What IS IT that you WANT from me at this point?"  She didn't know.  But she never brought it up again.

It's not easy.  But even when it's hard, it's STILL easier than staying with a spouse who's lying to you and cheating on you.  1000%.

You can do this.  If I can do this (the person who used to want everyone's approval), then you can definitely do this.

Kel

Yeah, that was the whole point.  Lol.

She's very rigid evangelical, so if she thinks I did the wrong thing and she had to badger me until I said it, then fine - I'll say it.  And now we can move on.  I couldn't care less if she wants to be seen as the stronger one.  Let her have it.  I'll take weaker and stronger any old day.  (Even though I myself see myself as strong for having left.)  She made the choice that was right for her, and no one's ever given her any grief over it (I knew about that choice at the time, and I thought it was a mistake.  But it was her choice, not mine.)  Give me the same respect.

I never wanted to break up my family.  Anyone who knows me knows that.  So when people in my family said "I just want you to think about the kids before you do this.", I was like, "Do you seriously think that I haven't thought about this constantly for ten YEARS now?  If I'd have done it impulsively, I'd have been gone 10 years ago.  I just kept trying because I wanted what was best for the kids.  It's time to admit that this isn't working, even if I am doing it for the right reasons."

Kel