SusanneH wrote:

When I saw this post was from this morning, I thought it was about another “new” section. Then, I saw I was reading from 2017. I guess it was resurrected with the current stuff going on. Oh well. Just keep on truckin’.

Oh shoot! Silly me. For some reason I thought it was being newly revised somehow. Oh well.

SusanneH wrote:

Yeah, too bad. Something fresh would be nice 

Yes, I thought it was something fresh as a result of the survey that was emailed to members a couple weeks ago. 

Last edited by TangledOil (October 8, 2020 2:11 pm)

I am dipping back in here to point out that this comment of mine, now seemingly made a center of controversy and of Phoenix's exasperation, was written on Dec. 5, 2017, in the context of putting the new MOM section in place.  That's right.  Dec. 5, 2017.  Almost three years ago now.   

I'd also like to point out that a statement that MOMs are unlikely to succeed is not "negativity" but a realistic appraisal based on the statistics, which if I'm reading them correctly, say two-thirds (66%) of MOMs end after three years, leaving one-third (33%); after that, one-half of that remaining third also end (which means 83-85% of MOMs do not succeed longterm).   

   "Negativity," in that context, is like beauty: determined by the eye of the beholder.  If you are hoping your MOM can succeed when the vast majority don't, hearing from those whose experience mirrors those statistics reads like "negativity."  To the rest of us, it is our reality.  

  If you believe you will be one of the 15% who succeed, and you don't want to hear from the other 85%, then you're likely to be happier sticking to the MOM section. 

 

 

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (October 8, 2020 8:42 pm)

longwayhome..   Sorry if I misinterpreted your post.  Lately every post on this topic seems like an attack, so I got a bit defensive assuming you were quoting that as evidence of me lying years ago.  My apologies.  It wasn't just your post that exasperated me..  it was just the "last straw" kind of situation.  

OOHC.. if you chose to pop back in..  Is your frustration related to the quote from longwayhome..  Do you feel you have been criticized for making negative statements in the General Discussion or Support sections of the forum?    Or is your frustration about being asked not to make negative statements in the MOM's section of the forum? 

I think it's the latter..    but if it's the former then I may need to make some apologies and fix a few things. 

 

OutofHisCloset wrote:

Phoenix, 

  My frustration is not reIated to anything Longwayhome said.  I thought she was using what I said to sum up the situation: those who want to be in the MOM should have it protected; the rest of us should feel free to speak our piece in the other sections without being jumped on.

   I don't mind at all not speaking my piece in the MOM section.  I generally stay out of there.  Here's what I wrote about it on Sept 10, 2020:
"People who have been on here for a while know where I stand (stood?) on the two boards.  I thought creating the one for a MOM was a mistake, as it felt to me like a way to give a "protected space" to those who were unable to hear tougher messages, and I, for one, arrived here full of hope and doubt and giving my now-ex the benefit of the doubt, not wanting to hear the tougher messages, yet discovered that the tougher messages were exactly what I needed to hear.  I thought it could be potentially damaging in keeping a person hanging in a painful situation longer than otherwise might happen.

"My view didn't prevail.  That happens.   I came to realize that people who posted to the MOM could also read the other sections, and make up their own minds in their own time. 

 "As for posting to the various sections: 
   I accept that the MOM section is for those who don't want to hear a discouraging word, so I give the MOM section a wide berth.  Sometimes I read it; most of the time I don't.  I find it painful when I read posts that read to me like people in deep denial and full of futile hope. (Before anyone gets their back up, not all posts read like that to me.)  But people have agency, and that's their right.  The only times I post there are when someone new shows up, and they say something in their post that makes it seem like they might want a larger spectrum of responses than "you can make it work."  When I do post, what I say is, "You would get a larger spectrum of responses if you also posted in the Support section."  I don't, because of the rules, give my opinion on the advisability of MOMs.

"Why is it such a bad thing to request the same of those on the MOM board, with respect to the rest of the Forum?  A suggestion that if a person is considering whether an MOM might be possible a post to the MOM section would be helpful seems like a useful post.  But turning the rest of the forum into a place to push for an MOM doesn't feel fair to me, especially as the rest of us aren't supposed to make the opposite argument on the MOM site."

  And yes, I have been jumped on, by Dutchman (in July of this year), as has Whirligig, whom Dutchman accused of "slander." 
 

OOHC,  thank you very much for clarifying.  It seems like I've misunderstood your (and others) frustrations.  So let me try to address this.  

I appreciate and very much agree with this statement you quoted above:   "You would get a larger spectrum of responses if you also posted in the Support section."   I think this is a very good way to put it.  In fact, I'm going to consider perhaps adding something like this to the "rules" of the MOM forum.  

I will touch base with Dutchman regarding your comments.  


For everyone reading this post I want to be clear.   Negativity (or simply stating the facts that most don't work out) toward mixed open marriages is absolutely allowed in the General Discussion and Support and "is he or she gay/lesbian" sections.  The negativity you may hear in these sections of the forum is intended to be protective and wise advice from those who may have tried a MOM and found it to be damaging.  The negativity toward the idea of a MOM is never meant as an attack on those who are able to make it work, or who wish to continue trying.   Just because we've asked to keep the MOM section focused on positive strategies to try for success, doesn't mean the entire forum is required to hold their tongue..   It's just that section.