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December 4, 2017 9:33 am  #1


New forum section for MOM's

We have added a new forum section for those who come here looking for help maintaining their marriage after finding out there spouse has a same-sex-attraction. 

What might come as a shock to many of our group is that our rules for participation in that forum will exclude most of our group from posting there.  This new section is ONLY for people who are married and currently intend to remain married.  

After much discussion, Sam and I agreed that it is very important to keep a forum section like this dedicated to positive and constructive conversations only.  It is far too easy for people who are divorced to talk about why this type of marriage is impossible to succeed.  Even with the best intentions, any warning or concern coming from someone who is already divorced or going through divorce would bring an unwelcome atmosphere.  

While I very rarely chose to censor or delete posts on this forum, I will be more direct in enforcing these rules in this new section.  

If those who are maintaining divorce chose to start discussions in the other areas of the forum then anyone is welcome to share their concerns and advice and honest opinions, provided they are shared with courtesy and kindness.  

Any questions?   What do you all think of these rules and this new forum section?    You are welcome to post as a reply here or contact myself or Sam directly through private messages. 

Also, if anyone has good resources they have found from other sites, please share.  I want to start a "resources" thread for the new section.  Thanks!
 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

December 4, 2017 9:40 am  #2


Re: New forum section for MOM's

For the record, I will be following these rules myself as well.  I will likely act in an administrative role to simply say welcome to new members.  But I will refrain from offering any personal advice because I know my opinions are biased. 

At some point we plan to add a moderator or leader for that forum section.  We are looking for someone who has been successfully married for many years after disclosure.  Someone who can give real advice based on first hand experience on how a MOM can be successful.  

 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
     Thread Starter
 

December 4, 2017 11:35 am  #3


Re: New forum section for MOM's

Thank you, phoenix. Anyone who discovers that they're in a MOM does and should know that they are in for a seriously difficult ride. But then all relationships have their difficulties and challenges. Our marriage vows have explicitly changed to 'until death do us part, or until one or the other discovers a new love of our lives, but neither of us is looking'. For us (both? I guess so.) this is one of the safety valves that keep us both (moderately) sane! I don't suspect that we'll be many here - and I for one will continue to keep an eye on other threads, and contribute wherever I feel I have anything helpful to add.

I hope that you keep in mind the idea of a document library, a little  like our 'stories' thread, where we can't post comments, but we can put up documents that we've found that are of help.
Andrew (Brassyhub)

 

December 4, 2017 11:42 am  #4


Re: New forum section for MOM's

I agree completely with a having a document library or "resource guide" or something like that.  If you can help me compile links and resources I would appreciate it.   Thanks!
 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
     Thread Starter
 

December 4, 2017 2:01 pm  #5


Re: New forum section for MOM's

I think the rules for that section make sense. I'd also think that making direct references elsewhere to conversations happening inside the "MOM Section" should be discouraged and that the "MOM" posters also refrain from doing similar in what (for simplicity) I shall call the 'regular' sections. In other words - comment directly in the actual thread or not at all. I expect this should be something the admins can gently moderate, if needed.


“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
 

December 4, 2017 4:37 pm  #6


Re: New forum section for MOM's

"If those who are maintaining divorce chose to start discussions in the other areas of the forum then anyone is welcome to share their concerns and advice and honest opinions, provided they are shared with courtesy and kindness. " Phoenix

I'm not sure how to interpret this but it looks as if you're saying that those on the new MOM thread/forum are welcome to keep contributing to the other threads not exclusively for MOM--a kind of "dual membership" but only for those committed to staying in their MOMs.  

I think the same rules should apply to all.  If those of us who don't have an optimistic view of MOMs are barred from that forum and are not to comment in our own threads on what is happening in/on the MOM forum section, then those in MOMs ought not to be offering their counter opinions on the "open" threads.

I'll conclude by saying, honestly, that the whole thing feels more than a little like the "safe spaces" on my university campus, safe not because it protects people from hate speech, but from views other than their own.

 One of the struggles I've faced as the wife of someone who has declared himself an autogynephlic transgendered person (someone who is in love with the idea of himself as a woman and sexually excited by feminizing himself) has been with the villifying of anyone who dares question the dominant transgender narrative of "a woman in a man's body."   This move to "protect" those dedicated to the MOMs has the same effect on me. Although I think that my posts have made a useful contribution, I feel as if I've been labeled as someone who promotes "negativity," so I think I'll be deleting many of my earlier posts. 

 

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (December 4, 2017 4:47 pm)

 

December 4, 2017 5:17 pm  #7


Re: New forum section for MOM's

OOHC, I think your posts are quite illuminating. Your perspective is not something I'd realistically be able to wrap my head around. You are not being negative - you are expressing your truth and reality and lessons learned.

I hear what you are saying about 'safe spaces from views you don't share'. On this board I think they are rather hard to avoid. The main page shows all categories and the "new posts" button does not discriminate. What I think is intended here is to allow a discussion to not quickly be full of well-intentioned warnings and 'watch out for' messages that quickly get away from what the original poster asked and suggests a tone of 'don't bother, it can't work.'

All our voices are valuable, including yours. I fully expect the people posting in the MOM forum to be as respectful of our opinions and threads as we are of theirs. I also expect there will be people who will swing in and out of the MOM category until they know where their path leads. We are all equals here and just trying to help ourselves and each other through a challenging situation.


“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
 

December 4, 2017 5:46 pm  #8


Re: New forum section for MOM's

Duped wrote:

"Is refraining from helping someone see what an awful situation they're in and avoiding encouraging them to see the hard truth "

 

When I first posted on this forum and admitted a desire to work on my r'ship....it was met initially 
with disbelief, and an almost condescending attitude of "we're here for you when it all falls apart" 

 


KIA KAHA                       
 

December 4, 2017 5:54 pm  #9


Re: New forum section for MOM's

That's because your partner was refusing to put your needs on the board and we all have been there and we care about you. It appeared that only you were willing to work on it, not both of you. We may have been wrong about our perceptions, I don't know.

I deleted my post on this thread because if those in MOMs prefer to communicate in a private area then who am I to have an opinion on that. If someone comes to the other areas asking for help then I can give it there.

Last edited by Duped (December 4, 2017 5:55 pm)

 

December 4, 2017 11:59 pm  #10


Re: New forum section for MOM's

Lynne wrote:

And, I think it would be helpful to start a research thread for those of  us who did not and would not chose MOM. 

I think that's a pretty fair request. There have been many links to various aspects of Straight Spouse relationships posted here in the past but finding them later can be most difficult. A well maintained thread that is purely links, perhaps divided into categories would be welcome. Then it just needs a way for people to make suggestions on what to add or if something goes offline or turns out to be not so helpful as first thought. Some sort of pinned thread that someone can edit but can't be posted into except by the owner. I have also seen on some boards where it's a normal post but the owner keeps editing post #1 with revisions.
 


“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
 

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