Yes,

Thank you.  That weight is so true.  Complicated by kids and finances.  The thought of her being with a woman at some point and having to deal with that and the kids dealing with that is downright weird!  I am staying positive.  Life is short. Been an awful year.  New worksite seems great, and I am back living 40 mins from where I grew up. Turning 40 and have a full head of hair, lost weight, and can still laugh at things. 

Comes down to my kids needing my strength and the crazy realization that I am tied to my wife for years because to our kids.  She has changed 1000% from the woman I married and fell in love with.   She hasn't known who she was over the years and I sure have known who I was.

The kids will be okay.  It's always our biggest worry, and rightfully so.  But they're great little adapters.  My kids were 13 (boy), 9 (boy) and 7 (girl) when they found our their dad and I were getting divorced.  And then later in the year, when I told them he was gay.  He wasn't going to tell them.  Meanwhile, he was living with his boyfriend and the kids would visit them every other weekend.  It was time for them to know the truth.  I actually told 2 - both kind of on accident - and the other one was told by my ex after he knew the other two kids already knew.  They didn't really talk about it all with him - they just told him that was okay, and then saved their emotions for me.  Honestly, they didn't really even talk about it (or want to talk about it) after the first few conversations.  But they grew up in it, and my daughter is fiercely protective of gay rights now.  She has made comments in the past about how it must hurt me to see them (gays) getting so many rights - like being federally able to marry.  I told her no - it didn't matter at all to me.  Why shouldn't gay people have the right to be just as miserable in marriage as the rest of us straights?  (ha ha).  That no - her dad having good things come to him did NOT make me sad, upset or angry.  I wish him the best.  And the better he is - the happier he is - the better of a dad he can be to them.  I will never be upset of hearing of his good fortune.  And I hope he feels the same way about me.

My kids cried when I told them - they felt they'd been lied to and betrayed.  Which I totally got - I'd felt the same way, after all.  But I explained to them that in the end, their dad's sexuality really wasn't going to be a huge issue in their relationships moving forward.  He'd BEEN gay, and they'd been having a relationship like that with him all along.  He was the same guy - he was still (his name).  He was still their dad. He still loved them immensely, and he hadn't changed his demeanor at all (still walked, talked and dressed the same way as he ever had).  His love for them has nothing to do with whether he likes men or women better.  Then I explained that it did, however, affect the potential of our (his and my) relationship.  And so we couldn't stay married any longer.  That I wanted both of us (him and I) to be with people who we felt cherished by and excited to be with, and we would never be able to have that together.

I told them that Dad had been afraid to reveal his sexuality because he thought my family (parents and siblings - who are uber fundamentalist Christian) would try to prevent them from seeing his children if they knew he was gay.  (and they DID, to my surprise - wind up trying that).  But that I would never, EVER withhold them from their dad (or their dad from them) unless he was doing something to harm them.  That I wanted very much for all of them to have one another - that the more love we have, the happier, more well-rounded people we become.  And I wanted that for them AND for their dad.  They needed to know all this - AND that it was the reason that their dad hadn't wanted to reveal his sexuality - because he was concerned that it would hurt them (the kids) and that it would take them away from him. And that I GOT that - that if I thought something I was thinking might get my children taken from me if it was revealed, I might bury that, too.  Because they were so important to me that I wouldn't want the truth revealed if it meant losing them.

I also told them that sometimes Dad had done things to hurt my feelings because he hadn't liked me the way I wanted to be liked.  But that I didn't need them to be on one side or the other - those are grown-up issues and between their dad and I.  And we were going to keep it that way.  They didn't need to worry about me (I couldn't speak for their fahter, so I didnt') - that I was going to be fine.  That they are free to love their dad and not worry that I need them to act as though they don't like or love him because they're upset that I was treated in a way that I hadn't wanted to be.  That was between Dad and I, and it always would be.  That Dad agreed, and so they would never have to be put in the middle between the two of us.  We aren't sorry that we married, because it brought us them (the kids).  And that they are our greatest achievement, and always would be.  That Dad and I decided to separate so we could wouldn't be making each other sad and angry every day.  We did it so we could have a better, healthier, happier life.  So there's no reason to be sad for us.

I also occasionally checked in with them.  And when opportunities arose, I offered up a support group, which none of them felt they needed.  I was fine with that, because they all seemed fine.  My daughter told me that she didn't like to talk about it - even with friends.  She was afraid they'd tease her.  I told her that it would always be her choice as to whether she wanted to tell a friend or not.  That if she never brought it up, it wasn't going to come up.  Because Dad didn't dress "gay" and they'd never ask what his sexuality was.  Over the years, she's loosened up a LOT about that, and has friends who know now.  I think it made her feel closer to other girls to tell them something intimate about her life when she felt they were good friends.  And honestly, it's pretty accepted now - several of her friends have gay dads.  One has a cross-dressing dad.  There is actually a support group in the H.S. for LBGTQ - and a ton of the kids in it are straight with gay parents (mostly dads).  She realizes that it doesn't reflect on her at all.

I can't say that their dad has been the man that I wanted him to be when it comes to them.  He's largely let them slip further through his fingers as the years have progressed.  But I'm not sure I see that as having anything to do with being gay, or having a partner.  Plenty of divorced dads do that.  And when it's bothered my daughter (she's the most sensitive), she has never blamed his sexuality for his behavior.  He's just more distant now that she's older, and she sees it.  She's held him accountable for it, and has cut him off from time to time when he's not behaving up to her standards.

The boys don't seem to care as much.  Well, that's not true - they just seem to care..... differently.  My 16 year-old spent years thinking the biggest insult his big brother could deliver to him was saying that he'll wind up gay.  Because unbeknownst to me, that way my younger son's greatest fear - that he'd turn out gay, too.  I think it was because as a straight male, he found females attractive and males (sexually) repulsive.  So he was afraid that he was going to "turn" one day.  I told him that's not how it works, and that his sexuality already seemed to be well presented.  He needn't worry.  I don't think he believed me, but it's a non issue now, a few years later.  My oldest son has severe emotional issues, so there were times he used his father's sexuality as an excuse for why he disliked him.  But honestly, my son doesn't like anyone - and he already disliked his dad by the time the divorce and sexuality were revealed.  He's vascilalted between it being a non issue and hating homosexuality (and therefore his father) because it's what broke up his family.  He is a drama queen (my kid - not my ex), and he makes the homosexuality into things it never was - like the fallacy that he was created as a lie, and HE therefore is a lie.  No, he wasn't - and no, he isn't.  He was created in love.  Trust me when I say that this kid can/will spin ANYthing though - for the sake of guilting us.  I think he knows the truth - he just uses it to his benefit when he wants to make us feel badly.  It's honestly the least of our issues - there are other issues in our relationship that are SO much bigger that the gay thing is never even brought up.

Your kids will be fine - they have you.  And a happy, balanced, loving parent is as good as any of us can get growing up.  It's the foundation for normalcy and success.  And they already have that.

Kel
 

Last edited by Kel (November 30, 2017 11:51 am)