Dear Keepinghope, 

I just wanted to share my story.  I have benefitted greatly from so many of yours.  I'm not wise, just weary and disenchanted with being angry or actually even going into it too much as it is painful and it is past.  There is a lot of wisdom in letting sleeping dogs lie, but here I am waking mine up and looking in it's mouth.....something I seem to do regularly anyway.... trying to understand this impossible situation.  Now I'm one year post separation.  The divorce is final just a few months ago.  And as for Dday...hmmm there were a few....

I married my GIDX after a very short, mostly long distance courtship. I remember thinking him gay as a very fleeting first impression, but being Mormon dismissed it immediately.  Now I think I've always known on some level.  He is not a manly man.  Quite vain (had a liposuction just after I had given birth to our third child FFS). Good-looking.  We were both virgins, both religious and devout.  I meet him in the summer July and then left for Uni in another state, then in December he proposed.  I went back to Uni.  We married in June....  I counted something like 26 days we had actually spent together physically when we married.  

We seemed to get along, but small arguments, adjustments.  Had our first child and moved to the UK....now it starts.  He decides to leave the church.  Starts drinking after having NEVER drunk.  These are two BIG BIG DEALS to this little naive Mormon wife with a baby in a foreign country now going to church alone, I was heartbroken.  All my dreams shattered of what life would be like with a man who now didn't share the religious faith that was our commonality.  It was so devastating.  He would come and support me, but said he had lost his faith.  I say fine, okay, but it is a hard road.  I consider divorce, but I love him so....

We have another child.  I am consumed with the child rearing and he is a decent dad.  So I'm pregnant again and find I have crabs while pregnant with our third child.  I never even knew this was a sexually transmitted thing.  He mentioned it could have been at a sauna....  

We now have three children under five. The more obvious signs begin.....I find gay porn on the home computer.  I confront him.  It was just curiousity.  I buy it, but inwardly I am terrified.  Now I think, I knew, but with three young children I didn't want to know anything.  He took me to TUBS.... a hot tub place as a date.....total gay hangout.  I thought why does he even know about this place?  Odd choice for a date night 6 weeks post partum quite dangerous really......

With leaving the church and TGT hanging over me, I insist we start marriage counselling where he says "he doesn't have a voice"  "She doesn't let me decide anything."   As is so common, he gaslights me, tells me I am the problem always in any dispute or disagreement.

We are actually part of John Gottlieb's large study, and so it was free....we got questionnaires for twenty years that they paid us to answer.  I am sure they had us down as divorcing, and wanted to see if their theory held... I should get in touch! 

When our youngest is 18mos.  He brings home a new friend, not from work or church and is vague about how they met, I was suspicious as he too is very fey.  They go out and do stuff.  Cycling trips overnight.   Now I know they met cruising.  He says that he 'understood' him.   GIDX says they never had sexual contact, but bonded over the fact they both had baby buggies in the back of their cars!!!!!.... sexual contact doesn't include blow jobs apparently.  Maybe I should call him Bill. 

We move abroad again with 3 young children.  GIDX is gone most days from 7 to 7pm AND taking Japanese lessons in the evening, angry with me for wanting help when he is working so hard.  I ask him to come home early one night a week, so I can do something outside the home and for my career, but he won't.  I bend over backwards to be nice, plan a huge holiday for him alone as that seems to be what he prefers, making me feel like I am an irritant.  Nothing is never enough, he tells me I am a princess for wanting to do things that are expensive in this place where to find anything in English is always expensive.  (Now I know he had a six month affair with a woman during this time....wanted to see if he was gay was one excuse....he was NOT working so hard....)

We fight whenever I ask pretty much anything of him emotionally, so it always ends up being my fault for being needy or demanding.  He says awful things to me and is mean and verbally abusive quite often.  I contemplate divorce often, but it seems crazy because sometimes it is great.- like living with Dr. Jeykell and Mr Hyde.  With our three lovely children I go to visit family leaving him for four to six weeks during the summers because we are expats.  He enjoys being alone, he says..... never calls....

Then one day walk into the home office and he minimizes a tab. I see 'gaydar' so I look it up.  I confront him.  He says it was just nasty talk with strangers.  Didn't meet anyone. I'm getting harder to convince.  I nearly divorce him then.  But after a few heart to heart talks, really you can tell me.... is there anything else I need to know about....really I want to be close and understand you, you are not alone, I am really ready to hear the worst...but blah blah blah blah.... He says nothing.   Tells me he has nothing to hide.... I believe...

All lies.

He did meet a man on gaydar, a man who he says may have been in love with him.... (a gay friend says this is highly unlikely that a gay man would stick around just for BJs.)  They meet "not so often" according to GIDX, but for over 6 years!!!  He complained the man pursued him.  It was always a complete lack of personal responsibility, not his fault, even now he says it was just a teenage phase....due to his restricted upbringing and is very sorry for all the pain, but he is 'done with all that'.  

But I know that is just yet another way to dodge facing the reality of his actions for 25+ years.  I would not have divorced had I thought that it would be over.  I read here Cameron saying the effort to NOT act on the SSA is like "trying to hold a beachball underwater"  And I see that my husband was always techy, irritable and reactive, like someone who was making a huge effort inside.     

Fast forward another six years during which he quits his very good job and retrains.  I begin my own business. He is depressed and hates his new job that he retrained at great cost to his financial future to do.  Feels I am the enemy as usual.  I try.  I think let's move to the USA and start to make big plans, he takes redundancy.  I have a dream of a business, but when I ask for his help, then he refuses even though he would have no job in this new place.  I realize that I will never be able to progress my career or life with this man who will forever react to me as if I want to control or harass him.   He does nothing.  Just is depressed.  Angry at me.  I find a letter on his computer from a woman (the one in tokyo) he denies everything, but says it was a friendship, kisses maybe.... He plans a holiday I don't go on.  

Now (why now you ask dear reader?) he says he is 'over' his need to be naughty.  BTW he has said he hasn't done anything for two years at this point, (but  tells me about meeting with his gay blow job partner) which doesn't count because they didn't do anything?  He is living away he insists he has done nothing, but join a swanky gym full of beautiful-bodied city men!  

I finally say I do want a divorce, I'm so tired of being blamed for his obvious unhappiness. Tired of being told I am the problem when it feels like I just get sucker punched by my husband, the person who says he loves me, everytime I need some sympathy or encouragement or appreciation, especially around the pain of his affair with a woman.  I put up with so much shit and heartache around the gay thing....the woman was really the last straw.  

 You'd think that when he told me, "the only person I have slept with is HER...."  I should've just kicked the fucker out.... but......another six months of me feeling devastated and trying NOT to talk about it with him.   He makes no effort for our anniversary.  If I bring up the affair, then he counters by saying have an affair, you'll see it means nothing.....  What loving husband says that? 

He finally gets a job in another town and moves out while I continue to work and live in the family home.  He tells me he will never return to this town.  I wonder what else I don't know about?  We keep trying, half-heartedly on his part.  And he is nice as long as I don't mention anything about my pain.  The revelations keep coming when I do make contact.  He feels freer and more honest, nailing the coffin of our marriage shut.  Telling me it was 25 or so men..... in public toilets and private homes.... 

About this time, I find this forum.  It helps tremendously as I see how many stories are like mine.  I see it all more clearly.  I decide to go no contact and maintain no contact mostly quite well.  I find a new man.  I try to get on with my life, which thankfully I have kept intact.  He so nearly convinced me to sell our family home, move internationally again, we pulled out of the sale at my insistence.... I think it would have been so much harder had that happened.  But as you all know this is so hard.  27 years of having someone there.  Not being alone ever and now I am mostly alone.  

I told our three now adult sons.  They just don't want to know really.  One son seems angry with him.  I think they all see it as quite bad, the lying, but are more accepting of the sexual ambiguity which is how I feel to as I always knew about TGT, just believed he never acted on it in my naivete.   I tell a few friends.  I told my sister in law recently.  I have a right to tell the truth. I don't care if he is or isn't gay, he is a lying manipulator and has done enough to deserve the label or at least suspicion that he is gay.  He didn't protect me from anything.....including STD's when I was pregnant!!!!  It feels like being thrown under a bus at times. So I out him to a few people.  

Recently we are together at a wedding, and don't speak.  The next day I text and call, slightly worried about his mental state.  He finally answers and tells me he is angry with me because he seems to have a new woman who is so understanding.... So he couldn't do the hello, how are you thing due to his rage at me.  

Anyway the mind fucks keep coming, so really no contact is best...but even now it is hard.  We did have good times.  I have never really seen him as a monster.  I know his background.  It is homophobia and it is in him....still.  I have to laugh.  He says "Even if I could go there (live a gay life he means) here (pointing to his body) I can't go there here (pointing to his head) THIS FROM A MAN WHO HAD HIS COCK SUCKED IN TOILETS.....BY MEN AND A GAY LOVER FOR SIX YEARS, and probably loads of shit that I will never know.  I called again recently and made him cry as I really hammered it home how much I had tried in complete devotion to make everything work while he was 'exploring his sexuality'  He says he hadn't grown up yet....it was just a phase.  

Now he is looking to be in a committed relationship.  I think it will help enormously as this beautiful woman has no children and a high powered well-paid career and so will not be needy or dependent and so can deal with a needy dependent confused bi-sexual on her hands.... I nearly wanted to email her a warning.... But I have to laugh and think of Kel saying - HAIR ON FIRE HAIR ON FIRE.  RUN....

 It is still a bit of a process trying to heal.. so I do a lot of stuff to feel better.....which initially just was a lot of crying. ALOT. but it is getting much less these days.  Talking to friends.  Meditating... that seems to help the most as i am part of a group and they are very supportive.  Tai chi - also a go to for me. Reading here... posting a little.
Reading fiction.  Learning that life is suffering and for many others more unfair and random.... learning to be kind to myself a bit more....just be a mess. and it is okay.  it is hard.  I'm still not 'over' it..... 27 years.... it is gonna take time.... 

I admire you all so much, so much wisdom here.  Thanks for reading.  Well done finishing such a massive post.....it is good to write it out a bit.  But there is so much left out really in all our stories....like that happy ending....but hey I'm an optimist.  I'm gonna hold out for one....



 

 

Last edited by Leah (August 30, 2016 1:32 pm)