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1 of 1- Starlight
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Gay but doesn't want to divorce...?
I'm just wondering if anyone else has been in the same position I am in right now. I just found out that my husband is gay and has been watching gay porn, but he says that he won't watch it any more and that he doesn't want a divorce. He says he is determined not to sleep with men any more and he doesn't want to rip apart the family.
What do I think here? I feel kind of trapped. He doesn't want to divorce, doesn't want to tell anyone that he is gay, and just expects me to be ok with this all. We got into a fight over it a couple of nights ago and he told me that I am blowing this out of proportion, and accused me of "using this as an excuse" to get away from him.
Since he doesn't want a divorce I feel like a jerk for thinking of leaving him, but I also feel stressed at the thought of staying with him for the rest of my life. I don't even want him to touch me right now, it's just so much to deal with.
Anyone else out there dealing with something similar? It seems like most of what I read is people coming out and saying they want a divorce.
- greyhound gal
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Re: Gay but doesn't want to divorce...?
He will continue to watch-take it from me. He will just try and hide it. I was told the same thing years ago. Its not fair he is shifting blame to you either. I would say that if he has had gay relationships since you have been married there the whole issue of fidelity to deal with. Would you leave him if he'd had an affair with a woman? Its to do with the trust having gone I feel. SO sorry you are going through this xx
- Rob
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Re: Gay but doesn't want to divorce...?
Greyhound gal,
I'm so sorry...it's very hard once the trust is gone. My ex had no remorse and did not want the marriage. .so she pursued her gay affair in earnest.. there I was snooping, wondering what she doing. She was doing horrible stuff but, also, lying to me about it. Which was worst the gay affair or the lies..the answer was both.
Don't let him shift the blame back to you...this is all him. Its a hurtful and demeaning way to live when the trust is gone...ie. if he meets a buddy for a drink is it two guys getting together or a date? Why should you have to wonder?
Tell him just that..that the trust is gone..ask what proofs would he give to earn and keep that trust.
With a straight person it's easy..one just doesn't meet and hang out with the opposite sex a lot. But with TGT there are no take backs.
Just remember that it's how you feel and what you want...they cannot hurt us and then dictate how we are supposed to feel...a normal loving spouse would not do that.
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- OutofHisCloset
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Re: Gay but doesn't want to divorce...?
Starlight,
I am in a situation analogous to yours, and have been for two and a half years, although my husband is not gay but announced he was transgender. He also wants to stay in the closet, stay married to me, not have me tell anyone, and carry on as if all were fine. (In the beginning, when we were still having sex, he saw himself as a lesbian when having sex with me, and expected me to be fine with that, too.)
My experience taught me that living in someone else's closet is stifling, isolating, and unhealthy. It was also crushing to realize that my spouse cares more for keeping his secret than he does for me: he's willing to sacrifice me--and my health and all my relationships and my own authentic self--to keep his secret.
Those of us with closeted partners all face this dilemma: what do we need to tell of our own stories to be healthy and honest, and how can we balance that with our desire not to "out" them. Every one of us has handled that in his or her own way.
My own decision has been to tell those friends and family close to me, which has been nothing but positive for me. I felt cared about, understood, and relieved. The honesty has strengthened both me and those relationships, and helped to heal some of the hurt I felt when I realized my husband loves his closet more than he cares for me.
I have decided, however, that even that degree of honesty has not satisfactorily relieved me of the burden of carrying my husband's secret; but neither have I changed my mind about my desire not to "out" him (we work in the same place). I decided that the best way for me to resolve the issue is to distance myself from him and his secret by divorcing him, so that his closeted sexuality is no longer my problem, and I will not feel it as a constant pressure weighing me down.
That's just the way I approached it.
One last point: your husband is asking you to believe that you will be the one to end the marriage if you ask for a divorce. But didn't he already end it when he stepped outside it to have sex with other people? (And wouldn't this be true if he were hetero and cheating with another woman, too?)
Last edited by OutofHisCloset (October 19, 2017 7:25 am)
- Starlight
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Re: Gay but doesn't want to divorce...?
Rob wrote:
Greyhound gal,
I'm so sorry...it's very hard once the trust is gone. My ex had no remorse and did not want the marriage. .so she pursued her gay affair in earnest.. there I was snooping, wondering what she doing. She was doing horrible stuff but, also, lying to me about it. Which was worst the gay affair or the lies..the answer was both.
Don't let him shift the blame back to you...this is all him. Its a hurtful and demeaning way to live when the trust is gone...ie. if he meets a buddy for a drink is it two guys getting together or a date? Why should you have to wonder?
Tell him just that..that the trust is gone..ask what proofs would he give to earn and keep that trust.
With a straight person it's easy..one just doesn't meet and hang out with the opposite sex a lot. But with TGT there are no take backs.
Just remember that it's how you feel and what you want...they cannot hurt us and then dictate how we are supposed to feel...a normal loving spouse would not do that.
Rob, this, exactly. The trust is gone. How can I trust him now? We have had other issues in our marriage that have seriously harmed the trust that I had for him but now it's gone. I realized that no matter what he does when he is out, no matter what "proof" he would offer for that he was doing, I will never trust that he isn't secretly meeting some guy. I will always, always wonder. And then there are other things-he took our boys to the pool last night because they have been begging to go. All I could think about was that my gay husband was going into the men's locker room. My heart, it can't take this!
He has said that he has never cheated on me. Watched porn, yes, but never cheated on me with anyone. I think I believe that. For one, he has spent a number of years working from home, so not possible for him to cheat when he is here all the time. Also there is this whole religious aspect that is starting to make a little sense to me now....we were Christian and then began looking into Orthodox Judaism and my husband was pushing really hard for us to convert and I have never been able to figure out why. I love Judaism and was very interested, but he hates studying, has never been one to really sit around and read religious texts, and he can't stand being told what to do-all big red flags when it comes to Judaism. Now I'm wondering if his drive to convert was just another way that he could "prove" that his sexuality doesn't exist. Like, "See? Not only do I have a WIFE and several kids-but now I'm super religious too-so I'm NOT gay, ok? I'm "over" it. Really." Does that make sense? I have no proofs of anything, these are just my thoughts.
If the trust is annihilated, and I know that he isn't attracted to me and I'll always feel anxious wondering when he might "snap" and have an affair (because really, if he isn't attracted to women at all how the heck long will he be able to deal with sleeping with one before he can't any more and he feels the need to hook up with a guy?), then what is the foundation that our marriage is standing on? How can we possibly go forward in any sort of positive way? I get he doesn't want to change the status quo, fine, but what about me? What about my needs?
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Thread Starter- Starlight
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Re: Gay but doesn't want to divorce...?
Starlight,
I am in a situation analogous to yours, and have been for two and a half years, although my husband is not gay but announced he was transgender. He also wants to stay in the closet, stay married to me, not have me tell anyone, and carry on as if all were fine. (In the beginning, when we were still having sex, he saw himself as a lesbian when having sex with me, and expected me to be fine with that, too.)
My experience taught me that living in someone else's closet is stifling, isolating, and unhealthy. It was also crushing to realize that my spouse cares more for keeping his secret than he does for me: he's willing to sacrifice me--and my health and all my relationships and my own authentic self--to keep his secret.
Those of us with closeted partners all face this dilemma: what do we need to tell of our own stories to be healthy and honest, and how can we balance that with our desire not to "out" them. Every one of us has handled that in his or her own way.
My own decision has been to tell those friends and family close to me, which has been nothing but positive for me. I felt cared about, understood, and relieved. The honesty has strengthened both me and those relationships, and helped to heal some of the hurt I felt when I realized my husband loves his closet more than he cares for me.
I have decided, however, that even that degree of honesty has not satisfactorily relieved me of the burden of carrying my husband's secret; but neither have I changed my mind about my desire not to "out" him (we work in the same place). I decided that the best way for me to resolve the issue is to distance myself from him and his secret by divorcing him, so that his closeted sexuality is no longer my problem, and I will not feel it as a constant pressure weighing me down.
That's just the way I approached it.
One last point: your husband is asking you to believe that you will be the one to end the marriage if you ask for a divorce. But didn't he already end it when he stepped outside it to have sex with other people? (And wouldn't this be true if he were hetero and cheating with another woman, too?)
Outofhiscloset, thank you for sharing your story with me. I'm so sorry that you went through so much. It amazes me how much he was asking you to be ok with. How can they do that? How can they drop such huge bombs and expect us to not lol, or act or feel blown away by them? I don't understand it.
To my knowledge my husband has not had an affair so I don't have that to blame. He just isn't attracted to women at all. And I'm a woman. Sigh.
I struggle with how to handle telling people what....it's going to be pretty obvious pretty soon that we are having problems. He doesn't want anyone to know he is gay. And in our circle of friends, telling people will have the effect that everyone either 1) will tell me to get over it because my husband says he doesn't want to sleep with men, that "he knows it's a sin", that God made marriage for life and I "need to work harder to keep this together" and similar stuff, or 2) everyone will be "grossed out" with him and not want to do anything with us at all any more. There's really only my best friend who will actually be supportive of me. Sigh. I know-get new friends-but that isn't easy. We have several small children and our friends kids are our children's best friends. I don't want to take them away by setting off this bomb.
Ugh! This is so hard!
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Thread Starter