Hi Greyhound Gal

I am sorry that you find yourself here and for what you are going through.  Just discovering that your husband is or might be gay is a very unnerving and hurtful time.  

I have to ask if he was watching only this one (or two) times or frequently?  All straight men says you will not catch them on gay porn sites if their life depend on it.  I understand that your son coming out could make him curious, but I should think there is other ways to research and find information when you curious as to watch gay porn.  I did not watch gay porn to see what my ex was going through - I visited sites that could give me cold, hard facts (which I will not recommend as it scared the hell out of me). 

When you say his having trouble dealing and accepting it, does it mean he admitted that he is addicted to gay porn?  Does he ever watch straight porn (for if he was straight or bi, he should be interested in straight porn as well).
I am still new and very naive in this matter so I can only tell you what I did when I wanted to know the truth.  I thought of all our years together and how he behaved. I reconsidered everything that has ever raised my brow in the past and weighed it against this new possibility.  When we talked about TGT I studied my ex's behaviour so I could see if he was lying, because they will not tell us the truth.  If they was open to the truth, we would not find ourselves here.
It is okay to be scared and feeling betrayed. To be hurt.  But you need to know that you are not alone.  You can come here as often as you like and share whenever you like to get perspective on things.  The people on here are great on putting things into perspective.  Why don't you go and see a counsellor as well? A good counsellor is worth his or her gold and you can be as open as you want to be. It is good that you are talking, maybe you can go together as well.

Hugs from me
Mrs Lonely
 

Welcome greyhound. 

I'm sorry you've discovered this about your husband (not that you found it, but that he's doing it).  I'm also sorry there isn't a similar group in the UK.  Rest assured though, we have many members from UK, South Africa, New Zealand, Australia and other places around the world.  Our common bond is the experience of having a non-straight spouse, so you are one of us.  Too bad we don't have a face-to-face support group closer to you though. 

It sounds like your husband has a same sex attraction (SSA).  Most believe this is something hardwired into a person and not a choice.  Most people would say this makes him gay.  You are probably right that he won't admit it to himself and has spent his life trying to be straight.  Societal pressures and norms and the frequent discrimination against LGBT makes a lot of people stay in the closet, which sadly, is why our group exists.  We married people who wanted to be straight even though they are not.  They thought about themselves and didn't give us the true love and respect we deserved.  

This doesn't necessarily mean your marriage or your future has ended.  Most of the people on this forum wind up in divorce, but not all.  I have heard that 1/6th of the mixed orientation marriages remain intact.  This is a decision that you might choose and it might turn out just fine... different perhaps, but could still be ok.  

You are early in this process and still in shock.  Please take care of yourself.  We typically recommend visiting a Dr to get tested for STD's.  I hope your spouse has not cheated, but statistically we find that many do and don't admit it.  So we recommend you get tested for your health safety.  
We also recommend finding a support network.  We are here for you of course.. but somewhat limited in our reach.  If you have a close friend or family member you can confide in, who can give you a hug and a shoulder to cry on this is best.  You don't have to stay in his closet to your own detriment.  That doesn't mean you tell the world in an effort to harm him of course.. but finding a friend to support you in this horrible time in your life is something you deserve. 

Stick around.. share your feelings, join the conversation.  We are all very supportive of each other and will do our best to build you up with compassion and understanding and advice based on our similar experiences. 

Welcome greyhound gal. 
 

2 separate pictures- yes I see that totally. That kind of sums up the conflict I'm feeling. 
He saw the counsellor yesterday and it was brutal-the counsellor really put him on the spot about lots of things. Its his opinion that James is bi and not gay. He has never had penetrative sex with a man and has never been with a man since we married. I do believe him when he says he has been faithful. 
However the porn is a real problem for me- I cannot see why he needs to do it so much. Feels like an obsession or compulsion. Also is it a step that leads on to doing it for real? Thats my issue.
The counsellor feels that James has to learn to accept this part of his personality and that it is only a small part of who he is? It does not entirely define him as he is so much more. Mmmmmm. He also said that people all have different desires and that it is maybe James attitude towards this that is screwing him up- poor choice of words, lol.
Anyway thats where we're at- your opinions as always are valued xx

Last edited by greyhound gal (October 18, 2017 3:04 am)

There is a Straight Spouse Network person or group in the UK: http://www.straightspouse.org/test/face2face-support-groups/
I live in Switzerland, and for a time, when my wife first came out, I found some UK support.

 

I agree with Duped.  Somehow "Bi" seems to be less of a blow.  But it's really not about whether they find others attractive so much as whether they find YOU attractive, and whether you are enough for them to stay faithful to.  I mean - I like lots of different kinds of men - find lots of them attractive, etc.  But that doesn't mean I intend to DO anything with that.  And I feel overwhelming attraction and dedication to my husband (who for newcomers, is my second husband - after I divorced the gay one).  So do I need to come home and have a sit-down with my husband about how sometimes, I think about what others would be like?  Or he have that conversation with me?  Nope.  It's assumed that because we're not blind or dead inside, we still have eyeballs that can take in other people.  We just don't intend to do anything with that desire.

When they come out as bi, I have to ask why.  I mean, the bi people I've known mean that they are open to having relationships (because they are attracted to) both men and women.  The one they choose has more to do with their personality than the fact that they are male or female.  It does NOT mean that they need both all the time in order to be happy.  If they choose to be in a committed relationship, it's with that ONE person.  Period.

Him having an attraction to others (be they men or women) really isn't the issue here.  It's whether he has attraction for you, and whether he can remain faithful.  If either or both of those are no, then the gay thing is immaterial, really.  You can have a straight partner who's not attracted to you and doesn't remain faithful, and you'd still have a whole big bag of problems.

Kel