I'm struggling with this one as I had lots of sex with my now GIDXH.  And it was good.  It was the one way we connected fully.   It was the way to his heart and it eased the tensions between us.  In fact, it was when I said I wouldn't sleep with him anymore that he totally felt rejected and everything really fell apart.   When I said that in a fit of anger and spite as I thought that I needed to see if sex was all there was for him.  And it seems that it was!! Truly a key, and this after the revelations of his SSA or simple getting his cock sucked for thrills (no sex he insists....still)!! 

He told me that he hated that I would never lust after him in the same way knowing what I knew.  I was devastated by the deceit, the long history of betrayals large and small.  The lack of sharing with me, his wife and 'best friend' this fundamental struggle in his life that impacted me directly whether he thinks so or not...He coldly says he was surprised how little it affected him.... Heartless creep.  But we seemed sexually so compatible and that makes it all the more easy to believe him when he says it was just for kicks.... I feel so confused and sad as sex is important to me too.  But that was the real betrayal - a spiritual one.  

He was cheating, and lying and making me out as the problem.  Sex was good.  Plentiful.  But he injured my view of him and our past.  Destroyed the spirit of marriage which requires that you have a union in body and soul.  I thought he was a decent and honest man, incapable of such deceit.  I was trying to make our marriage work under false pretences.  It seems to me now that he was trying to get me to leave....behaving so badly that I couldn't possibly not divorce him.  He tested me to the limit and I broke.  He was never going to stop behaving badly and making me out as a harridan.  Something I wasn't.  It was a spiritual attack because I valued myself as a good and supportive partner that has proven herself as loyal!!

 That was the excuse really, I was just needy and demanding and a harridan...but really I was just a woman asking fairly normal things of my partner.  Now he gets to start over with someone else who doesn't have the trauma and history of lies. Or hassle and work of raising three children...that is done.  Of course that is better...  These people want NEW lives, NEW adventures....and especially for the closeted ones, a clean slate. 

He is dating a woman who he "has told everything to" and she understands him.  I said, well why don't you sleep with someone else and see just to check how understanding she is....  He breaks my heart every time we interact.  I thought I was doing so well.  Moving on, forgiving.  And he just kicks me back down....he told me I made him a better man.  He's sorry I didn't meet him as a grown up.  I take three steps forward (last week) and then two steps back (this week)   I want a sexual and a spiritual connection...that is key to a good relationship and it is a huge blow to me to find that even though we had a great sexual connection, he was pretty evil at the level of soul.  You need both.  The deceit of TGT is huge on all levels which is what makes it so traumatic....anyway I'm just talking about me too...

Last edited by Leah (August 1, 2016 2:56 pm)

Hi Byron, 

By 'it' he meant the cheating, the cruising in public toilets getting his cock sucked, the affair with another woman.  He felt that our relationship problems were not affected by this behaviour!!  Only once I knew did it affect US?  But I think the fundamental struggle around his confusion and SSA took so much energy from him, and made him a difficult person to live with.  He would blow up and be very harsh and say very nasty things to me if I was not coping or needing emotional support.  I was quite isolated with young children in a foreign country, so depended on him a lot, which he didn't handle well.

According to him, we were having normal disagreements which any married couple have.  Our sex life was not a problem.  The problem was my expectations of him.(according to him)  He thought of me as a harridan always demanding more than he wanted to give.  More intimacy and honesty.  He treated me harshly and criticised me roundly for being 'difficult' before and after all of the revelations of his betrayals.  

I think he doesn't like women, or at least he doesn't like any emotional demands that most women will make of him. I was quite amused when he told me that in his first post me relationship, she felt she was doing all the 'work' but he broke it off because 'he could do better' - she was too old and not attractive enough.  Now he has moved on to someone else who he has told everything and he says it makes him angry with me because she is so accepting of him....  Who knows what is really going on besides him trying to make me feel bad.  He will repress his SSA forever I think.  As he gets older perhaps it is easier....he insists it is behind him and he doesn't feel it anymore.....He just wants to be free of me and all I know about him.  As one friend said "I'm just collateral damage in his life" 
 

Rick your too kind to your ex.

When we were married promises were made..vows were taken.  Why say it if you don't mean it..
My lezex will say every excuse in the book why she wanted a divorce...the true reason is she was having a gay affair and discarded me in favor of her girlfriend. 

Its crazy and immoral. .she could make the case that I changed or ..in our case she changed..  but we had vowed to be loyal to each other..both physically and emotionally.  We could have worked through any silly problem...but she chose a gay lover over me. 
She then chose to be cruel to me.
Its scary...what part of in sickness and in health didn't she understand...so if I were to get sick she would leave me?  Her excuse was I didn't take out the trash... it's just damn scary how shallow her love was.  Are all people so shallow?

Patti,

I am fascinated to read that it was a gay therapist who helped you cut through the B.S.  I was seeing a straight, female therapist for a while, and she brought me a long ways, and I got a lot out of it. But there is a piece of me that wants to talk to a lesbian therapist now; I think I want to test myself and see where I'm at, but I want to have those talks and ask questions and hear answers "from the horse's mouth;" does that make sense from your experience? Part of my self-talk is that would be like going over to the enemy, and I want to get rid of that lingering anger and betrayal. I am trying to convince myself that it wouldn't be going over to the enemy, it would be more like getting information directly from the source. You're the first person I've heard say you did it, but it's been on my mind the last couple of months. Did you deliberately search for a gay psychotherapist, or did it just turn out that way by happenstance?
 

Patti,

So GLAD to see you here! Please come back often. Your input is always so helpful.

Sue