Rob, thank you for your reply.

I know you are right. I have spent so much time in this marriage begging-literally begging-my husband for love and affection. He has ignored me when I cry-not occasionally but that is the norm. He tells me to leave him alone.

It's amazing how so many things come into focus. I never dated anyone but him, I've never been with anyone but him. I didn't know what anything was supposed to look or feel like. I was the first woman he was ever with, and that wasn't until after we were married. No wonder he told me to leave him alone on our honeymoon. No wonder....so many things. No wonder.

From our recent talk (which he changed details from what he told me years ago, so who knows if this is the truth or still lies...) he was part of the "gay scene" (I'm sorry, I don't know what to call it) for a while. Had some flings, and at a party the lbgqt club put on he met a guy who he had a ton in common with (it sounds like they had a lot more in common that my husband and I do) and they hooked up and started a relationship. This guy wanted my husband to move in and he did rent a room from him but swears that the relationship was over by then (hard time believing jay he lived in the house with an exboyfriend and didn't do anything with him. Before he told me that this guy wanted him to move in and my husband said no). Anyway, about this point he suddenly got scared (I think fear of commitment) and feared that he would go to hell for being gay, so he started going to my church, swore that he wouldn't engage in "gay activities", met me, married me and we had kids right away.
Before we got married he told me that he had been sexually abused as a child by a man, and that as a result he "thought he might be gay" and "goofed around a little" as a teen but pretty quickly decided that wasn't actually for him. He had girlfriends after that and then met me. He made it sound so distant and long ago-he was 28 when we started dating. Now I know that he was with men up until 3ish years before we were together, and then even after that and through our marriage he was watching gay porn somewhat heavily I believe.

I was raised extremely sheltered and extremely religious. My mother is an out of control narcissist and I was raised to be codependent so that's something I definitely struggle with, though I am getting much better lately.  I married for life. I believed that divorce was evil when we got married and swore I would never divorce, no matter what. I was naive. I had never been allowed to date anyone before him, I had nothing to compare to. I was the perfect target to get sucked into this.

Oh, man. I'm think I am in shock. Im sorry if I post a ton and kind of "bleed" all over the boards. I'm not sure what to do. I'm trying to put things together and the pieces of the puzzle snap into place suddenly and at random times. Ow. It hurts every time they do, but the picture also gets clearer each time a new piece fits.

And my husband, he is acting like everything is cool. He flashes these big grins at me. He was suddenly asking for sex constantly after this revelation until I shut that down. He is sending me lots of cute texts suddenly. I feel like he is trying to suck me back into his vortex and I don't want to go....

Avoid the vortex at all costs.  He is “love bombing” you.  He just wants to go back to status quo.  I know exactly how you feel.  After I found out my husband was cheating with men I could not get out of bed, couldn’t eat.  I cried every single day multiple times.  My husband made excuses and denied everything and went about his business as if everything was fine.
Right now you need to gather your strength and your support system.  Because of your codependency this is going to be hard and you need friends around you to keep you on track.  Do you have someone close you can trust and confide in who will support you?  Get those people ready.  You will be surprised how many will want to help you any way they can.
Get a therapist.  You need guidance to get through this.  Understanding this whole mess is very hard and a good therapist is invaluable.
Right now focus on yourself and your kids.
Please get tested for STDs.  It is unlikely he has only been watching porn. 
Look out for your health and if you do have sex with him use protection.
If he’s the only person you have ever been with then you have nothing to compare him to.  Love should never feel like rejection.  You should never feel weird or guilty for wanting intimacy with your husband.
Don’t listen to his lies or fall for his tactics to get you to do what he wants.
You deserve to be happy and loved by someone who can appreciate you.  Only you can decide if that person in any way resembles your husband.
I know right now you aren’t ready to make any major changes.  Take care of yourself.  Stress is very hard on the body and mind.  In a few weeks you will come out ofshock and think a bit more clearly.  There’s no need to make any major decisions right now.  Focus on you and your kids. 
I’m so sorry you are here.  So many relate to your story and will offer hard earned knowledge.
Peace and hugs,
Majenco

Last edited by majenco (October 15, 2017 3:31 pm)

majenco wrote:

Avoid the vortex at all costs.  He is “love bombing” you.  He just wants to go back to status quo.  I know exactly how you feel.  After I found out my husband was cheating with men I could not get out of bed, couldn’t eat.  I cried every single day multiple times.  My husband made excuses and denied everything and went about his business as if everything was fine.
Right now you need to gather your strength and your support system.  Because of your codependency this is going to be hard and you need friends around you to keep you on track.  Do you have someone close you can trust and confide in who will support you?  Get those people ready.  You will be surprised how many will want to help you any way they can.
Get a therapist.  You need guidance to get through this.  Understanding this whole mess is very hard and a good therapist is invaluable.
Right now focus on yourself and your kids.
Please get tested for STDs.  It is unlikely he has only been watching porn. 
Look out for your health and if you do have sex with him use protection.
If he’s the only person you have ever been with then you have nothing to compare him to.  Love should never feel like rejection.  You should never feel weird or guilty for wanting intimacy with your husband.
Don’t listen to his lies or fall for his tactics to get you to do what he wants.
You deserve to be happy and loved by someone who can appreciate you.  Only you can decide if that person in any way resembles your husband.
I know right now you aren’t ready to make any major changes.  Take care of yourself.  Stress is very hard on the body and mind.  In a few weeks you will come out ofshock and think a bit more clearly.  There’s no need to make any major decisions right now.  Focus on you and your kids. 
I’m so sorry you are here.  So many relate to your story and will offer hard earned knowledge.
Peace and hugs,
Majenco

Majenco, thank you for your reply. I am so, so sorry you have been through so much. :-(
Do you think part of why they try to act normal after the reveal is because they aren't bothered because it's not new info for them? Like, nothing new happened for them, so they can't see the big deal? Or is it because they are selfish jerks who don't give a darn about their partner? I'm struggling with this right now.

I have been in therapy for a couple of months already and my therapist is phenominal so I'm covered that way. She has been encouraging me to see reality for what it is and to stop trying to cover it up.

I am well aware of the codependency which is great, because I can work on it now that I see it. I have talked to 4 friends about this so far and am planning to talk to another this week. One couple doesn't understand-they are religious and think that he can just power through and suppress "the sinful urges", but they don't get that he's been doing that and it's been HELL for me. Our whole marriage has been so hard and I have been miserable. It's not just "oh, he's not cheating on you, so it's ok", it's all the manipulation, and lies, and gaslighting and plain old treating me poorly that goes with this that's hard.
One friend I just spoke to this week was absolutely phenominal. She divorced recently and has 6 kids-her husband was a hard core porn addict and there was a lot of manipulation and lies that went along with that, so she kind of gets it. She was super supportive, thankfully.

As far as love-well, I've been married almost 13 years and I still dream of someone falling in love with me, so I guess that says a lot.


I am avoiding the vortex. This has been a pattern in our relationship, when I'm starting to get really fed up and pull away, the "nice guy vortex of doom" comes out and sucks me back in. Then as soon as I am back in and he feels secure, the "nice guy" goes away and he is back to ignoring me, witholding sex, and just generally treating me like crap.
After he confessed that he is gay he started asking for sex all the time-I kid you not, in that week he asked for sex more than he had in the 4 years prior. He kept sending me all these "cute" texts too. tbis made absolutely no sense to me. How the heck do you tell your straight wife that you are gay, that you aren't attracted to women at all, that sex has always been about just releasing hormones and never about her or her needs at all, that you lied about past relationships-and then expect her to act like everything is normal and WANT to sleep with you? What. The. Heck. Is. Wrong. With. This. Guy.

I shut down the sex requests, I told him I need a break. I actually said that I wished that he could move out for a bit, but in all honesty we don't have the money for that, which he pointed out. So we are still living together.

I'm confused what to do now. He still keeps sending me all these "lovey" texts-he's trying major hard to suck me back in. I don't want back in. And honestly the longer he ignores things AND keeps trying to act like all is well, the more I want to GET AWAY FROM HIM. It's so much more complicated with 8 kids-their ages are 12 down to 6 months.

Sigh. This is so hard.

Last edited by Starlight (October 16, 2017 9:38 am)

Welcome Starlight!

I'm so sorry you find yourself in our midst.  It's earth-shaking to learn such a secret about your spouse.   Be assured, you are among friends here who know how you feel because we have been through or are going through the same experience. 

You mentioned bleeding all over the forum. Don't apologize.  I encourage it.  Expressing your emotions in words to a support group (even just an anonymous group on the internet) is great therapy.  It's really good for you and nobody here minds a bit.  So post to your hearts content.. 100x a day if you want. 

Congratulations on 8 kids.  What a huge blessing!  I'm sure right now it feels like a burden because you are worried about them and how this issue will affect them.  Guess what?   They will be fine.  They have a great mom.  You haven't really talked about your husbands relationship with the kids, but I hope he is a great father to them. That doesn't need to change. 

I have few pieces of advice for you.  Some might not be easy to hear, but the advice is given out of concern for your well-being. 
1.)  Please get tested for STD's (as majenco said).  Based on the experiences of people on this forum, the majority of our spouses did cheat even if they say they didn't.  I pray that isn't the case for you, but you must take this step to protect yourself just in case. 
2.)  Know that you have choices.  From your tone in your messages it seems like you are allowing your husband to determine if he wants to stay in the marriage.  I'm not telling you to divorce him.. I'm just saying that you get to make that decision.  I want you to feel empowered.  He should be begging you to allow him to stay, not dictating to you what the future will be.  This is a very hard decision, but I want you to realize that you get to make it.. not him.  I'm sure you feel trapped, especially with 8 kids to provide for (not sure how many are still in the home), but know that you do get to make the call.  If you decide to stay, it is your choice, not his. 
3.)  I would encourage you to feel proud of yourself rather than embarrassed or weak.  You mention your religious upbringing and your feeling that marriage is for life no matter what.  Those are not negatives or weaknesses.  Those are things to be proud of.  Many people who are not as committed and not as strong would have given up and bailed earlier.  You should be proud.. you have exemplified the ideal of a committed and loving spouse.. despite the major issues you have felt and the poor way he has treated you, you stayed with him and loved him completely.  We should all be so lucky to have a spouse like you.   4.)  Don't feel bad about being tricked or not seeing the truth earlier.  We believe what our heart wants.  We chose love over suspicions.  We learn to trust until we are betrayed and then learn not to trust.  You didn't do anything wrong.  Don't ever think this is your fault.  A person who has hidden their homosexuality for most of their life becomes a professional. They are way ahead of us.  They are keeping a secret we aren't prepared to even look for or think about.  We go into our marriage with hope and optimism, believing the best in the person we are marrying.  This is how it should be.  Don't feel guilty about this. 

How do you cope?   One day at a time.  You are in shock right now.  The earth is quaking beneath you and you are struggling to just stand up.  So don't try to run yet.  Give yourself time, do what you need to do to care for yourself and your children.  As things start to clarify and you gather strength, then you can decide what to do next.  
Gather a support network.  If you are near a major city, we have face-to-face group meetings that are fantastic.  Keep posting here.   Do you have any close friends or family you can trust to support you?  Today is your rainy day.. time to call in those favors.  Don't harm yourself keeping his secret... if you need to disclose what is going on to a few friends to help you out, then do that.  You don't owe keeping lies to protect a liar.  He's looking out for himself and not you.  Someone needs to look out for you.. so do it. 

Stick around... let us know how we can help.