Hi DeeAnn.  I'm so sorry for what you've been going through.  It truly sounds very traumatizing.  But you're in the right place.

I think your situation is complicated by the fact that you were okay with swinging, but not with him being with men.  It makes the waters a bit.... muddy.  I find it difficult to imagine sharing my husband with anyone - male or female, so it's difficult to give you advice on that.  But I will say that typical swingers aren't all into texting each other and chatting ahead of time, are they?  Otherwise you wouldn't need the damned swingers party - you could just look online for couples.  The parties take the connection out of it, which is what's agreed up is needed to stay happily married - sex with others being just sex, but sex with each other requiring connection.  If you don't meet someone ahead of time and have never talked with them in any manner before, (and will not do so afterward), it takes the possibility of connection out of the equation.  By chatting and talking to and sending pic to someone else (whether the same sex or not), it's building a connection - which is something that you don't want.  He KNOWS that.  He's just trying to get away with this without it looking like he's breaching the unspoken contract.  He's hoping you'll believe the lie, so he can do what he wants and you have no "right" to be angry and/or upset.

Now, let me speak for a moment about him coming out as bi.  WHAT, exactly, is the point of that?  I mean, think about it.  He's a married man, and he's intending to stay that way.  What good does it do to tell others that you are also sexually excited by men?  What do they need to know that for?  And how is it helping anything?  If someone is gay, they need to come out in order to be openly gay and be in the public eye without feeling as though they're living a lie.  But if you're a married man that is also excited by men, it doesn't need to be told to others unless you planning on making some sort of transition.  So yes, he's gay.  If you had ONE person of the same sex that you felt you were attracted to, would you feel compelled to go tell your family, "Just so you know, I'm straight, but also sexually excited by Sophia Vegara?  Technically, that would make you bi.  But it has zero to do with anyone else, and they don't need to know because you're not going to be seen around with Sophia Vegara anytime.  So no one needs to know.  Things like are told on a wide scale because change is a comin'.

He's being very selfish by needing you to concentrate on his sexual needs while you're going through a body morph and mood crisis.  Who CARES if all of your sexual needs are completely fulfilled if you're with someone who's in a bit of a crisis?  That goes on the backburner (where he keeps putting YOU).  Furthermore, why does all of someone's sexual desires need to be fully explored to the fullest for that person to feel that they're happy?  In what other area of life does this happen?  You don't see anyone saying "I need to move every year because I need to experience all the different types of houses (loft, bi-level, ranch, Victorian) in order to know that my housing needs are fully fulfilled".  People drive what they like, and what they can afford.  They don't go tell the car dealership that they NEED to have this car that they can't afford, and that if the dealership doesn't let them have it, then they aren't in the best interest of their customers!  I really like shoes.  Would I like a pair of Loubitans?  SURE!  Am I unfulfilled if I don't attain the red sole on my foot? NO! For God's sake - it's not your responsibility to be his sexual fairy godmother and grant him all his wishes or you aren't a loving wife.  Don't let him or anyone else start feeding you that bullshit.  What about YOU?  What about YOUR need to have him not go behind your back to talk to others?  Does his need for complete sexual fulfillment trump your need for complete marital fulfillment?  NO, it does NOT!

I'd urge you to go back to the old standards.  Try sex only with each other and stop the swinging.  Stop sex with all the toys.  See you you two are compatible on a basic level of sexuality.  If not, none of the extras will do anything but complicate your sex lives.  They will never solve it.  They are extras - for when you have the basics down - to add "zing".  The zing isn't supposed to become the regular course.  You cannot eat all desserts and think that you'll be well nourished.  Extra means in addition to, not an alterate.  If you can't get the basics down, nothing else will ever be enough.

If you can't get that to work, cut and run.  All you'll do by waiting is wasting years of your life on the inevitable, and letting your children get further into seeing this as their example of a healthy marriage.

I wish you the best -

Kel

Thank you both for taking the time to read my lengthy vent session. And for giving me feedback. Reading the points you've both made just makes me even more angry with him. 

I want to believe that he loves me.. he seems like he is terrified of losing me because of all of this. I suggested separating so he could figure things out.. but he refused because there is no guarantee that once we separate we will get back together and he said it's not worth the risk. It's something he wants but he has been very adamant that he wants me.. and our life together more. But even with him saying all of that I still worry that he will end up resenting me, or going behind my back.. and I will always wonder if he is really truly happy with me.. or if I am just being used as a damn smoke screen. So even if he can find a way to move past this and just come to terms with the fact that it may never happen for him, I might never be able to get past the "what ifs". It feels like a lose lose situation. 
I know I don't have to clarify how difficult it would be to leave him. No one ever plans on getting a divorce. My situation is similar to many I am sure.. kids, dogs, house, cars, no job. I've only been out of work for about a year so I am not that worried about finding a job... it's just so much baggage. And lord help me I don't want to fucking start all over. If we don't make it I swear I am going to stay single the rest of my life. 
The scariest part is how COMMON closeted men are. When my husband first came out he went online looking for forums similar to this one support bi/gay men who were married. SO MANY MEN refuse to tell their wives. SO MANY MEN go behind their wives back and these women have NO CLUE. The possibility of leaving him and ending up in the same exact situation with someone else is frightening. 

Still Wondering: I loved this! 
"The problem is that once it's cloaked in the "I'm gay" thing, it warps our thinking into places it shoudn't even go. It warps into: maybe I'm not accepting enough, maybe I'm not understanding enough. No - maybe our gay-in-denial spouses should have picked one or the other before getting married. Or, if they really were confused then just not picked anyone at all until they were sure"
I know it's difficult for people to "come out" so I sympathized with him having a hard time doing so, But I absolutely deserved a choice in all of this BEFORE we were married. I am bitter about that. Scared.. ashamed.. I don't care what his reason was for not being honest. It was no longer just about him. It was undoubtedly a selfish move on his part. 

Kel, I 100% agree with you in regards to him wanting to come out to people. It is something we argued about because I felt it was not anyone's business but he portrayed it as needing "support" and when it came to wanting to tell his parents it's because he wanted them to know who their son really was. He didn't want to lie anymore. But in my opinion being bi-sexual doesn't make you who you are.. people are so much more than their sexuality. I guess I should add that his brother is gay, and one of the first people he came out to so his brother was very much in his corner egging him on when it came to telling other people. In-fact it was his brothers idea for my husband to "come out" to people because he said that was the best way for him to deal. "Talking about it helps".

I also agree with you about him being selfish when it comes to his sexual needs. This too was something we fought about... many times. We were only married for a short time when he came out, I was 6 months pregnant doing unspeakable things for him to keep him happy, but I was crying almost every day because I could barely make sense of it all. After our son was born I was still so unhappy.. I've been blaming it on the hormones but all of this has truly been so difficult.. traumatic seems like an understatement.
And you are right, It is not my responsibility to be his sexual fairy god mother. I loved that line. Might have to use it on him. 

Every time I have started to get angry about all of this I feel guilty. I worry so much about him and his happiness.. I've been putting myself on the back burner. I hate that I'm even thinking the word divorce a year into my marriage. I feel like such an idiot. 
 

Last edited by DeeAnna (August 2, 2016 1:37 am)

"...My GIDXH is now dating women (who know nothing about his gay life). What the heck? Does anyone have comments or similar experiences?"

No experience but I'll say this...its a complete mind fk when my lezex brings her girlfriend to events and such ...they're just two close friends...now 2 divorced friend comforting each other....fooling everyone but me...daring me to say something.. ..   I have nothing to say.,,they can go live their new gay life..I will live my normal life.
 

Also, I think we can all understand and relate to your "I don't want to start over again" thing.  Even people in normal straight marriages that aren't great go through that.  They've put so much time and effort into this that starting over seems daunting.  I get it.  But let me compare it to a vehicle.  You chose a vehicle, and at first, you loved it.  Now it's making you miserable.  It's got so much stuff wrong with it that it's gotten dangerous.  The tires randomly blow out, the radiator overheats, the brakes are iffy.  BUT..... you're still paying on it.  So you don't want to trade it in because you'd be upside-down on the payments, and then your next vehicle is going to cost you whatever it does PLUS some of what this vehicle still costs - because they'll roll the outstanding amount into your new purchase.  Well of COURSE you don't want to be in that situation.  But at some point, you've got a choice to make.  You can decide that the most important thing here is money and not being upside-down, and you'll deal with everything until you have the title free and clear.  OR...... you can decide that while not ideal, being upside-down on your loan is preferable to riding around in a death trap with your kids because you don't like the concept of being upside-down.  It comes down to what's going to be worse.

In the end, it all comes down to what's important to us.  If we're stretched so tight that we couldn't afford a payment even $5 more than the one you're paying right now, well - then I guess you feel like the decision's been made.  it's undoable.  OR...... you could decide that while you don't love paying more, you can afford it, and you CAN do it.  And it's what you really need to do.

Or you could decide to find out what the new payment would be, and then make decisions (this is the same as going to a divorce lawyer so they can tell you what to expect).  You don't buy the car until the final line is signed - asking for them work up the numbers won't obligate you to buying it, even if you feel like it will.  So figure out what the reality of the situation is before you decide that the price is too steep.  You might be surprised that you CAN afford the new payment if you give up daily lunches out, which would mean that your safety during transportation is more important than never having to make your own sandwich.  You start getting creative.

Kel