Hi Majenco,

Glad to see you have some good advice for your situation.  I too struggle(d) with feeling compassion, accepting excuses, and worst of all, responding to appeals for compassion.  I am 5 weeks out from final divorce, less than six months from the decision to divorce- mutual.  So I am struggling to catch up on processing!

All that to say, I get the compassion thing, it kept me bound for 28 years!  For the longest time, it was true compassion, I felt his pain, and didn't want him to hurt.  At some point in the last few years it shifted more to "I have to feel compassion for him still, because that's the kind of person I am." 

Do you sense the difference?  He knew it, and would pull no punches accessing that part of me to meet his needs.  The longer I am away, the easier to see this dynamic.  It's a form of button-pushing, but specific to getting your love and understanding.   He still tries through email and text which makes it easier to spot the patterns.  I still have a visceral reaction to his requests for help/empathy/understanding.  But I step back, wait for the response to pass, and then look at what is really going on. 

A book that really helped (is helping, second read through) is "Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist" by Marjorie Fjelsted.  She has a way of explaining these behaviors, of mine, that don't make me feel like crap the way the Co-Dependent books did.  I've learned a lot about my response, now just working on implementing. 

It dos get easier.  It also helps to get angry at him, which was really hard for me.  I posted over in Sean's Ask a Gay Ex-Husband thread, and he was very direct and blunt with me.  I needed that - it helped me to finally get angry for myself.  As a Caretaker type, I've suppressed that for so long it was hard to access.

During the relationship, it was often the emotional roller coaster everyone talks about.  But for me, recovery seems more like a spiral, and with every pass I get closer to the truth, and must work through the new level of understanding before learning more.  It just takes time, even when we want to hurry up and get this part over with.

You will get there.

Thanks for that link Jen, I've only read a bit and already strikes a chord!

THIS.


You have no idea how much this original post has helped me. It is exactly what i needed to hear to give me strength.