OCJamie wrote:

1.) We talked online and over the phone for a while and then he disappeared, when we started speaking again he told me he was gay. 
2.) At that moment I told him that was fine and when he got back from his out of state training we would hang out and I would help him to go be gay. 
3.) I would show him videos men sent me masturbating and it was a huge turn on to us both
4.) I should also mention he liked to cross dress and never really did it before, I encouraged it and let him know that didn't make him gay.
5.) Found out he cross dressed and made a profile on Plenty of Fish, was watching gay porn and masturbating for a year and a half behind my back. Just so many lies and hiding crap. 
6.) I think he's trying so hard to not be gay, don't feel the attraction any more and he's told me how he fantisizes about getting rimmed and anal sex, if I talk about a man giving him love he gets instantly hard, if I'm standing there naked there's nothing and our sex is not very often.
7.) I've been so supportive over the years, going to the cross dressing clubs, pegging him, having him watch gay porn to get turned on before sex.
8.) He says everything is ok, but I can tell when he touches me that he's not into me. 
9.) He wants to be married to me, in word anyway, but his actions never match up, and I guess how can they when he's probably gay and I don't have the right parts?
10.) He's very hairy but trim, he's into the bears and leather daddies.

Jamie, 

You said last night that you need to hear the feedback and you appreciate and keep it coming..  So I'm going to give you a little bit of tough love and give it to you straight and unfiltered. 

Your husband is gay..  not bi.   You said it yourself 10 times in your original post.   (I edited the format of your words but not the words themselves).  
Furthermore..  You are a Gay In Denial man's dream wife.  Goodness.. he couldn't possibly ask for a better person to help him hide his homosexuality from the public, but yet embrace and support that homosexuality. 


He told you he was gay.  You offered to help him be gay.  You don't need to ask us if he is gay.. he is gay!


The real reason you are here is to figure out whether or not you should stay with him.   So let's start getting to the point:

Do you want to be married to gay man?  Do you want to keep watching dating sites to see if he's going to cheat on you?  Do you want a husband who watches gay porn instead of being with you?  Do you want to facilitate his gay fantasies while your needs are ignored?  Are you fulfilled?  Do you trust him?  

Do you think he's going to change?

Are you with him because he's handsome and it makes you feel good about yourself or makes you think other women envy you? 
Is your self-esteem high enough to handle being alone?
Are you finances secure enough to go through a divorce?
Are you worried that after a 3rd divorce you won't be able to find another man?

Are you happy or do you want something better for your life?


I hope you don't view the tone of my language as attacking.  I'm here to support you, but I feel like you need to be challenged a little bit to start asking the correct questions.  Apologies if I am too direct here. 

Awesome post Phoenix!

Jamie, mine was the same, younger, cding all the same as yours and also so bloody lazy and clueless about life and responsibility- can’t drive, let everyone do everything for him, bored of any household stuff, annoyed when I asked him to take the trash out - ok I sighed at him when I asked for a third time...jeez (called me a stupid fucking bitch for that!). I wondered in the beginning if he was just too lazy to have sex! But no he certainly wasn’t too lazy to dress up annd perform for himself.

Again Phoenix you’re right to point out our self esteem needs to come from within not who we are with!

Last edited by Duped (September 26, 2017 10:42 am)

I believe we all have PTSD

Duped,

Hubby has gotten much better, has never called me names. Saw my therapist today and went over all of this. She actual thinks it's pretty normal a lot of what's going on and that most people fall on the spectrum of sexuality, not to mention I think he may have Aspergers, highly probable, which makes some of the communication difficult. Also he learned how to his his music from his dad as a teen, kind of set him up to hide crap from me.

He is attracted to me, the problems we have or fights we have, most likely make our sex life not so great, just like any other marriage I guess. When we are communicating things are actually pretty hot, we are in a good place this week. I'm not trying to make excuses, but he never lied to me about his feelings for men, think that makes this whole thing different than most other relationships, he didn't blindside me with it, I just guess I thought it was something he could put aside really easily.

Phoenix,

How can you be sure he's not bi, that he's gay? Honestly a lot of it is that he's awkward and feels like he's not doing stuff right, don't think he would be any different with a man after the honeymoon phase wore off.

We totally snuggle in bed every night, rubbing legs and feet, his butt up against me, it's probably one of the best parts of our marriage. According to our marriage counselor, some of our sex issues come from relationship issues, just like all marriages. So idk.

When we are communicating and things are good, the sex is actually good. I'm not making excuses, just being a realist. I think he's on the spectrum and some of this stuff is hard for him.

He is so handsome and I'm attracted to him, no I don't think other woman are jealous because of his looks, but friends that see us together always say how cute we are together. I am pretty good looking and think I look closer to early 40's and he looks lite he's late 30's so there isn't this huge age thing physically. I love so much of his weirdness, his musical taste, he plays all sorts of instruments and plays for me on the patio. I love that's he's a big old weirdo, just don't love that he hides things out of fear or to not get crap from me. The only time he spoke to men online was before we were monogamous and when we had some huge fights and I told him to go do whatever he wanted and basically made it sound like I was going to go have sex with someone. The POF cross dressing thing, he tried to delete it immediately but couldn't for 24 hours, that was more about him wanting to pass as a woman and nobody was fooled.

I'm totally listening to you, however, my therapist thinks I'm going about this the right way, told me to get off of here even. She totally thinks I have a handle on things and that even if he was gay, we can still make it work, without him being with men. She believes more likely that he is bi and that all people more or less fall on the spectrum of sexuality and we love who we love.

I have my eyes wide open and some serious rules have to be set in place, and I don't worry about him going out with his friends, never have, he has a gay friend I've met and I have no worries about what they are up to. It's more likely to be online stuff, and then he feels like a piece of shit and deletes his profile. Right now he's working so hard, 12 hours a day sometimes, nothing is happening. He's still growing up and realizing that he's gotta do a lot of crap in life that isn't fun, just for money. Im lucky I reached that point about 23 years old, married, working full time, raising a step daughter, while everyone else was out having fun. He's getting there, slowly. I blame his parents, maybe they should have been talking to him more about real life stuff instead of end of the world conspiracy crap.

I love this dude, love him with all my heart and I want a life with him.