OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum » feeling overwhelmed and then not ... the roller coaster of TGT

Sue · July 30, 2016 9:38 am

Hi, everyone,

As I posted in Kel's update thread on how everyone is doing (great thread, Kel, thank you!) I'm doing so much better than I was many months back when my depression and grief were just crippling. Last night went to see Bad Moms with a group of friends (not close friends, but fellow moms) and really opened up to them about what's been going on in my life and loved how supportive they were and how good it feels to tell the truth without shame. My husband is a prominent figure in our small community, and while I am not trying to defame him in any way, I think my side of the story is worth telling. I love shedding the shame.

On the other hand I have been revisiting some of those feelings of being COMPLETELY overwhelmed. The way in which my life is changing is so immense and intense, that I question my ability to get through it all without losing my gourd. I suffer from panic disorder, and my attacks have been on the uptick, but not unmanageable.

So here's a rundown of all the shit going on in my life (and thank you in advance for caring enough to read on):

1) I'm looking for a job for the first time in 9 years. I've had one successful telephone interview and was invited to a second in-person interview next week. I also got a call from an acquaintance about an opening that is at a school, which would allow me summers and nights and weekends off, plus holidays. It was so kind of her to call. I made some phone calls, tweaked my resume, and got that to them. It was exciting to talk about my skills (I'm a librarian) and realize the breadth of my experience is pretty awesome and I am one smart cookie. At the same time, feelings wash over me about not being able to volunteer at my kids' schools anymore, pick them up every day, do homework with them. I loved being a SAHM. It seems like there is a yin and yang to every change this divorce is forcing upon me and my emotions are up and down.

2) I'm getting out more with new people, old friends, and even just connecting with people out of town on FB. I have realized I have a huge village of support. I feel loved and supported in a way I haven't in any of my life. It's amazing and moving.

3) My divorce is moving along at a snail's pace. My husband is dragging his feet on getting his financials in. I suspect he is waking up to the reality that his large salary and our long term marriage means he owes me an effing lot of money for an effing long time. His lifestyle is about to be affected dramatically and he and his boyfriend may have to live a little less large. Too bad, so sad, dad. Luckily, the court system is set up to catch cases that are not moving as they should, so we met with a magistrate and our lawyers and set up a schedule of when certain things need to be done. I had on a gorgeous dress, my lipstick and family pearls. My lawyer is a bitch on wheels. She's also very sensitive (her own divorce prompter her to go to law school!) and experienced. I survived. But I realized I felt so emotionally drained later that day. Sitting across from him was SO HARD. The emotions are still there, and much like jkpeace, I do so much better the further away from him I am and less I interact with him. Anyway, it really let me know that I am still grieving, still so hurt, still just stunned by this betrayal. I don't want him back, which is huge progress. But what he's done to my life and my family --- it's soul shattering.

4) I'm dealing with a lot of control issues on my almost-ex's part. This is so weird for me because he was so laid back about parenting and we generally agreed on everything when we were together. I have tried taking the nice girl approach and he still acts like a dick. And this was one of the nicest men you've ever met. Above all else, he is unwilling to put our children above himself, and refuses to co-parent with me. He prefers parallel parenting. He allows our 13 year old to manipulate him and refuses to discuss her issues with me at all, because he feels he is protecting her from me. All of this bullshit happened after his initial (a year ago) one time email apology that told me this was all not my fault. After that, it quickly became all my fault even though he expressed no serious dissatisfaction with me or our marriage or my parenting for 20 years. I realize he has to make it my fault or his head will explode from guilt when he looks in the mirror. He is not a narcissist or someone who is comfortable being the bad guy. He's a pleaser who likes to be liked. But to take my achilles heel issues and turn on me. To say he is bi so he could have just as easily left me for a woman as a man, anything to get away from me. I am so sensitive. I had a rough childhood. He was the one person I trusted. And he crushed me. I still marvel at it. I'm still not quite able to separate from it. Anger does help.

5) I'm going to have to move. I'm ready because we have 11 years of memories here and our children remember no other home. I know that is progress because I used to dread it. But it's sad and moving is uber stressful. It's right up there on the list of stressors with divorce and death of a loved one.

6) My mom is still here with me. She moved 1000 miles to help me. I owe her so much. And she's driving me crazy. But I am terrified to try to manage three kids alone. I sound wimpy, but I don't know if I can do it. She isn't really helping me with them (she's not a kid friendly person) and my kids are ready for her to disappear. But I married right out of college, have never lived alone, and feel so so scared to have no family. She's really made it possible for me to have some freedom, to have support when I'm anxious, to be company when I'm alone. But she misses her hometown and I do not want to live with my mother forever. But three kids, a full time job, panic disorder, single parenting. Sheesh. I'm terrified. I feel really immature about it, but I feel like I can be honest here.

7) I started dating. We texted for over a month before we met for breakfast. Then real dates, sex with a straight person (thank you, Jesus) and lots of attention from him. I can sense reticence in him and we've talked about that -- there is no commitment now, other than we are not sleeping with other people. I have verbalized how vulnerable I feel to being hurt again. I think he would have liked to have met me post divorce, having dated other guys, and know I'm not rebounding. But I am very attracted to him because he makes me laugh and he's totally able to talk about feelings. This was one of my hugest beefs with my ex. In hiding himself he had to hide all of his emotions and it sucked. But I am SCARED SHITLESS. Yeah, yeah, everybody can say just enjoy this and don't get attached. How do you not get attached if you're sleeping with someone (and I know maybe I shouldn't be, but I want to!) and they are kind and open and not perfect, but really, really good. I am TERRIFIED of being hurt again. I felt ready to date almost a year into this mess. My self-confidence has increased so much from the experience. But I feel feelings bubbling up and I don't like it. My trust meter is so, so broken.

8) My kiddos are so much harder to deal with than they were before all this blew up. I see anger, pain, trying to adjust. I'm a child of divorce myself. We have a great therapist. Things are getting better. But it is so, so emotionally draining to try to help three kids through an enormous change, including Daddy getting a bf 6 weeks after leaving me and then moving in with him a few months later. I grieve my kids' innocence. And I'm exhausted by their emotions.

That's about it for now. Thanks for letting me vent and process here. I find typing it all out helps me so much. I find knowing you all are surviving helps me immensely. I'm just scared and this is one hell of a roller coaster ride. I keep waiting for the day I wake up and can't handle any of it anymore. But so far, I keep on keeping on. And I see light at the end of the tunnel instead of the insatiable blackness that once threatened to drown me.

Best,
Sue

Last edited by Sue (July 30, 2016 9:43 am)

Rob · July 30, 2016 2:28 pm

Sue if anything you need to get through this so your around later like your mom for your kids.
I try to remember that when I think how easy it would be to just end it all.

This weekend without my kids I'm coming to terms that I will always be alone. Its just me..nobody else. I have friends and family and the kids but at the end of the day just me. I need to get really comfortable with myself.

Its raining and I'm eating at a cafe alone.. but there is no one to swear and yell at me ...just me.

July 30, 2016 5:28 pm

Hi Sue,

That all sounds impressive - good for you. Dating someone must be fun but a little odd after all the years of being married.
I am interested to know what you have told the kids about their dad etc and how you frame that. I'm just not sure how much of the 'truth' mine should know - they are quite young. So I'm gueesing that opens up the opportunity for them to have some revisionist history introduced to make the new partner look better. It's almost like I should keep my mouth shut about how they got together so I don't rock the boat.

July 30, 2016 6:19 pm

My children were older and away from the home when I began dating a widower who was still addressing the unexpected end of his marriage. I think that we both helped each other although because my husband had left me more recently than his wife had died (and he had been on his own after his first marriage ended in divorce) he was farther along in recovery than I was and I was very co-dependent in the beginning.

Getting to know a man who enjoyed making love was an eye-opener. As the relationship developed it wasn't just a matter of trust for me but accepting that, unlike my husband, he was capable of taking care of himself and could make decisions and follow through. Competence is so sexy;)

As with dating at any age, you learn about yourself and that knowledge cannot be taken away even if the relationship doesn't work out. My advice would be to enjoy the time you have together and just keep on doing what you need to for your divorce to become final.

Sue · July 30, 2016 8:29 pm

Jkpeace -- I never actively considered suicide, but I did sign an agreement not to harm myself and I did wish nightly that I would not wake up the next morning. The first three months post disclosure I was in shock. Then the holidays came and I started to tank. I was seriously depressed from the end of November through April. Tried a million meds, finally got a mix that worked, but also I think just started to heal over time. It was living hell. I know I am so so much better now, and you will be, too.

I will say that living one to two days at a time (and sometimes hours) helped me immensely. An acquaintance who was left by her cheating straight husband told me she survived in 15 minute increments. If I think too much about moving, etc, I get so overwhelmed. So I try very hard to focus on this week and that's it. It's the only way not to drown in so much change.

Also, I said EXACTLY the same thing that you are about dating. I was sure I never would again. That turned out to be wrong for me. I don't want to be alone forever and I deserve real live love. It's scary to be vulnerable, but I refuse to chain my heart up and rent out space to my ex in my head. He cannot fuck up my life forever.

My kids are 7, 11, and 13. They are all struggling, but hanging in there. I am livid with my ex for putting them through this. I literally want to scratch his eyeballs out of his head for hurting our kids.

Laurence, my ex took it upon himself to tell the kids about his sexuality. The 7 year old doesn't get it. The 11year old is fine with it, as far as I can tell, but careful about who she tells. The 13 year old wholly embraces it, and doesn't see why it bothers me at all. After all dad is "bi" as he's told them, which helps them understand our family as not a farce. However, I am convinced he is lying through his teeth and is gay. I called him gay once in front of the girls (my older two) and they both went off on me and corrected me. Obviously framing him as "bi" helps them process this and not see it as blowing up our family. Later, when they are older, I expect things will change. My father cheated on my mother and left her high and dry and I thought he was perfection on wheels until I was about 20 years old and realized suddenly that maybe that wasn't such a nice thing to do. Girls abandoned by their fathers tend to attach to them even harder, and that's what I see my girls doing. Meanwhile, I, as the safe person, get a lot of the emotional fall out. My 13 year old has been particularly hard. But things are improving slowly. And therapy is essential.

Rob, I think once you process your pain (and who knows how long that takes) you might not always be alone. I see love in your future, because you're a loving person. But you have to be ready. And you've just now escaped a horrible situation. It takes time.

Abby, I am really enjoying dating this person. He is divorced, his ex is mentally ill and refuses help, and he is raising his young sons alone. He's much further out, having been divorced for three years and living in separate bedrooms 4 years before that. Although I of course tried to play it cool for a long while, thinking talking about my situation would only show what a mess my life is, one night we were together and I got a horrible text from my ex and the guy I am seeing encouraged me to talk about it and as the tear flowed down one side of my face he was completely like, this is ok, if you had no feelings about this, it would be weird. So I felt like I could talk to him about this, and even if we just end up friends, I've made one who really, really understands divorce.

But, also I have to say being seen as attractive and wanted again is a HUGE self-esteem booster. I just don't want to get hurt. I've told him that, so I feel like we are communicating well. I'm not good at just letting things develop -- I'm a control freak who does not want to end up on the floor again :-), but I'm learning how to enjoy this and go with it one date at a time. Since I haven't dated since I was 20 years old, it's been quite a learning experience. But fun because in your 40s you know what you want and what you won't put up with. And no one comes without baggage. My biggest fear is that if this progresses to the point of being serious (which is a ways off) how he will react to my panic disorder. My husband used that as a way to knock the shit out of me after telling me for 20 years that it didn't bother him. So needless to say, I'm scared it won't be acceptable to someone else. But maybe it's quite common (one in four people have anxiety) and my ex is just an asshole who couldn't take responsibility for being gay. I think that's more like it. :-)

Last edited by Sue (July 30, 2016 8:33 pm)

travelingsolo · August 1, 2016 3:00 pm

When my GIDXH first came out, he said he was 'bi'. (I guess they think it will soften the blow?) He is still GID and is dating women mostly for appearances. Hasn't told his family and continues to lie to everyone. I think he still sees his gay lover of 20 years.
My children were 24,26 and 28. It doesn't get any easier. Immediately two of them moved far away. The oldest one stayed and did not tell his friends the reason for our marriage breakdown. He still doesn't talk to his friends. It doesn't matter how old the children are, they are all affected and need counseling. I moved a year ago. I had to leave a smaller city and move to a larger one where I am anonymous. At least I was for a year, and then my story followed me out here. It's been three years and people still point fingers 'victim blame' and gossip. I've been in counseling off and on for the past year but during the first year went once a month. Luckily my health plan paid for it. When I do talk to my kids about the 'bi' 'gay' thing, they remind me of the spectrum of sexuality and sometimes they are really blaming me but don't realize it. They want to still love their dad but are so hurt they do not know how to respond.
Some days I wake up and don't even know where I am. The past ghosts still haunt me. I have to remind myself I'm in my new life. I'm an immigrant now. I speak a language that not many other people can understand.

Rob · August 1, 2016 10:32 pm

On my roller-coaster... My therapist seemed helpful today...always optimistic she is;

Me: I'm feeling very alone..I've been trying to keep busy but sometimes it comes crushing down on me..I'm all alone in the world now..its just me. Nobody else.
Therapist: For now. Your alone for now. You don't know if you will always be.
Me: Yes, but I'm having a hard time being on my own..I was always with my ex-wife..for almost my whole life..decades.. I'm not used to doing anything but taking care of her and the kids.
Therapist; Your having a hard time adjusting for now. You'll learn what you want to do.
Me: Yes, for now...its another valley.
Therapist: Yes, but not as bad as the one you just went through.
Me: True...this is nothing, I would not wish my last horrible year and half divorce from a raging gay person on anyone...not my worst enemy.
Therapist: Its only for now. You'll figure out what to do. Your in a good place now..alone is good now.
Me: Yes, I'd rather be alone than spend another minute with her raging at me and mistreating me. If you put a gun to my head I would not go back.
...

So I'm adjusting. Sleeping better, the anxiety and "fight or flight" feeling is starting to subside. But I have not had to see her for anything yet. NO CONTACT is preferred but we have to communicate about the kids.

Roller-coaster indeed.

travelingsolo · August 2, 2016 9:36 am

Rob; As soon as I knew the truth about my GIDXH (when he finally confessed about his long term affair with a gay man), I started to sleep better. All of the anxiety I felt around his lies and the years I spent trying to find out the truth, was gone. I felt relief and freedom. I had been unloved for so many years. There of course was new anxiety as I dealt with the divorce, job change etc. But at least I had some control (if we ever do) about my feelings and my decisions. They were mine to own now. I was no longer dealing with a 'raging gay' (your term). I was blamed for everything, made to feel inadequate, disregarded, cheated on, had no physical touching, no empathy etc etc. for so many years. I'm now free. I could not be more grateful for that gift. He finally let me go!!
Some of the things I do in my aloneness that have helped: yoga daily, swimming, long walks, reading (even if I had to force myself), short adventures around the city, (even if it's to buy gluten free bread), planned trips with good friends, skype with my children, writing (I have written many short stories about my experience). It does help to keep a diary or write it down in letter form. Oh and netflix. If it wasn't for netflix I would not have made it the last two years. Tip: avoid couples parties. I am the plague. The wives are afraid I'll steal their husbands and the husbands are afraid they will catch 'gayness'. No one knows what to say to you and most avoid eye contact and conversation. Also, when I am at a low point in loneliness, something usually happens the next morning to shake me out of it. One day at a time. One step at a time. Hold on and enjoy the roller-coaster because the feelings are real and intense and will get you through the highs and lows.

Rob · August 2, 2016 10:56 am

travelingsolo,

" .. The wives are afraid I'll steal their husbands and the husbands are afraid they will catch 'gayness'"..
LOL..    We have few mutual friends but I ran into serveral that didn't know what to say or do but be cold to me.
Thanks for the tips..   I generally am ok if I keep busy.    Latest is re-painting the walls.
But I'm not solo..   I have a god.   I have me.   and that will have to be enough for now.

August 3, 2016 6:35 pm

I'm on that roller coaster too. One day I'm up and positive, and moving forward, laser focused. Planning. The next day I'm down, no energy, zapped, don't want to do a thing. I know it's normal, after all I've just been through a trauma, and i'm grieving what I thought was and what I imagined would be. My husband admitted to having a relationship with a man, vague as possible of course. The kicker was he said it was a mistake! I always try to keep some humor in my back pocket for moments like this. I giggled and said "a mistake? a mistake is when you go to the grocery store and buy decaf instead of regular not when you @##%%&&&%%%#@&&^%!! He stormed out to the yard and started raking under some bushes. Some time later he came running in screaming that he had been bitten by a bees from a hive that was under a bush. And yes he had! Once on the arm and twice on his butt. I do believe in Karma. It bit him in the ass and I could not stop laughing. this was a good day....on the not so good days I allow myself to feel the feeling, the sadness, the anger or whatever and know that it's just a feeling and that it will pass. thanks for listening, it helps to just get it out sometimes.

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July 30, 2016 9:38 am #1

feeling overwhelmed and then not ... the roller coaster of TGT

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