Ynadin,

We really don't have a problem with controversial topics on this board, or things that may trigger others.  Gas lighting has and will continue to be a very frequent and common topic on this board.  We talk about it all.the.time.  It's integral for someone being gas lighted to understand what it is, and when it's being done.  It's the biggest tool in a narcissist's tool belt, so we have to discuss it.

I don't think anyone was saying that we shouldn't speak the truth here.  We just always want to be respectful of others.  Unless you are being rude to someone in a cruel/demeaning way, you shouldn't think that you'll be asked to leave.  As a matter of fact, the part of last week's thread that was deleted was the first time I've seen that in the past year.  And I don't remember ANYONE, EVER being asked to leave.  Not while I've been here in the past several years.

Kel

Reposted from another thread upon request

Yes, an empath can absolutely divorce and move on from a narcissist.  I did it.  I did it because I realized that staying with him wasn't fixing him anyway.  I was absolutely not helping him by staying with him and continuing to help HIM, when it was destroying ME.  It also helped to have children that I needed to make sure were in a healthy environment.  If I was slowly getting destroyed, how could I be a good parent to them?

I never used to see myself as an empath.  It seems so...... mystical.  And I'm the furthest thing from mystical and spiritual.  But when you look at the definition of an empath, I fit the bill.  I prefer to look at it as being very empathetic.  Even if you aren't an empath per se, but are very empathetic, you'll have the same issue trying to leave someone - you're all wrapped in how this is going to hurt them or affect them instead of it being about you foremost.  We have an innate ability to understand how others feel about things, and we're "fixers".  We root for the underdog.  And we wish everyone well.  The thing is, even empaths realize that they can't help EVERYone.  You may be able to give a bum on the street a dollar, but you can't invite him to come live in your house with your children and keep your family safe.  We realize there are limitations.  The only way to get away from a narcissist (especially one you're married to) is to tell yourself that you cannot fix them.  You are not a god.  You cannot fix people's damage simply by being with them.  You are not that powerful.  You can give and give, but if someone is uninterested in getting well, or doing the hard work to obtain wellness, then you.can't.help.them.

It also helps to see that the narcissist is using your empathy against you - as a weapon.  They know your heart is pure, and you will lay down your life for them.  And they'll gladly take that.  They KNOW they're doing this.  And that feels shitty.  We make the assumption that people are taking because they need to - they are broken and are reaching out to us as a hand out of the quicksand.  What we don't seem to realize until too late is that they have no intention of using our hand to get out of that muck - they LIKE it in there.  They would like nothing more than for us to join them in their pit - for company!  Or to push us down so they can stand on us.  Once you realize how intentionally they're using you, it becomes easier to detach.  Because you have a lot to give.  You may as well give it to people who can reciprocate.  You only have so much energy and time to spread around.  Don't waste it on someone who will take all you have and STILL not improve.  You could truly be helping people who appreciate it.

An empath simply CANNOT get away from a narcissist without detaching.  Which must be done intentionally.  Otherwise you're trapped in their world.  You need to be in your own world in order to see what they're doing, and how much they're affecting you and others who you love.  Sometimes the only way to get out is to realize that you can either pick this ONE person to work with, or the crowd of others that will be served by getting this person out of the way.  When I realized that I'd be sacrificing my children in order for my spouse to continue receiving my all, it didn't seem worth it any longer.  HE was the adult.  He should be able to work on himself.  the kids were my responsibility.  I needed to raise them in a good environment for them to be who they will become.  I could either continue to give my husband what he insisted he needed, or I could have 3 healthy children.  I couldn't have both.

Kel

This is a great thread Ynadin!   Learning about gaslighting, how to recognize it, and how to fight it are extremely valuable.  Even for those of us who are separated and away from it, we still need to understand what happened to us and how it impacted us so that we can heal. 

You are welcome to remove the words "Trigger Warning" from your post and are free to edit away the comments about thinking that an admin will delete anything.