Thank you Rob.  Classic narcissist and sociopath sums up my ex.  All I evey wanted was to love, be loved and everyone to be happy but there we are! My ex always looked like the cat that got the cream whilst I let them have their own way at my expense in so many things.  I always try to be kind, generous and tolerant and it appears that makes me vulnerable. I am now totally alone except for my dog and I do not feel one bit kindly about myself. I am so sorry you are feeling lonely and wish you every happiness.

Hello, I am a transgender who has been married to the same woman for over twenty years. It maybe you will never be able to place yourself in your spouses shoes. It's possible he/she will never really open up in a way that you can both understand. In my case I made a personal oath always to be faithful to my wife, and answer any questions based on our private life that she has. I also found it necessary to turn my will over to her and our marriage. Being transgender can make for  a delusional egotism. In my case our marriage had to be matriarchal for it to work. Somehow we isolate ourselves in this willfulness that tells us we can do whatever we please, even if it means someone else is being hurt.
      My wife has shared that having  a gay spouse really is not that easy, she finds it a little more fun, and a little more rewarding in having the lead role, but says that she does not reach out to others in general, about our married life. I am pleased that based on agreement my being faithful is my way of showing her unconditional love, but as she can be the first testify, having all the power does not necessarily mean she is always comfortable, or able to understand my prerogatives  in our sharing female values, as they relate to our married life.
         My transitioning took place over time, and with her consolation through the course of our marriage. If I didn't express my concern, and interest for her during each step that we took together it may never have worked out. Transitioning is actually incremental, and has to be brought to the surface at each stage of the game. For a husband just to come out as a transvestite without being in counseling himself may mean he is out for  a kind of  a joy ride, and has not reached that level of marital pride which means having  a gay marriage, in which roles are decided upon with each others interest in mind.
       Marriage is still a shared responsibility, the identity change you describe shows a person who is a little immature in that they do not feel they can trust being honest with themselves or others. At this point if you feel something prevents you from seeing him as a person, or if he is not able to express his needs and interests to you, than you may find the loss of communication may make the hope of staying married pointless. I feel he has to be giving of himself and consider your feelings first . It is important in his recent coming out to make decisions together with terms you can agree on.
        If you feel his inclination is somehow unnatural or contradicts your set of values you may just have to make a settlement in leaving him/her. I can relate to your sadness though, and I hope you do not feel we are all just of a queer type, in my being with my straight spouse as a transgender I felt a lot of sadness and grieving myself, in letting go of past friendships and family who were less understanding than she, and who were not completely satisfied with my admission of being gay, but as time would tell my marriage to  a completely wholesome woman prevailed, and sometimes the only risks we take are in seeing how it is us against the world, and believing that together we can make all the difference.  

Robben..your spouse sounds like a saint to me to put up with so much from you.  But if your not cheating on her and have a happy marriage great.

JK,

Your story is more horrible than mine ...my lezex basically just started cheating with her girlfriend ...but we have great similarities...   my lezex unilaterally started having the affair and distancing herself from me..there was no indication that she was unhappy in our marriage..she claims that now as an excuse but I know deep down she knows what she did and she knows I would have done anything for her.
With her unilateral decision  it was full stream ahead..she wants a divorce..ok...but she's still here and I don't know where "I'm gay and love this lady and I want a divorce" equates to..."you are garbage and  I deserve all your money and property and you don't deserve anyone in your life or to be alive.."..  ie. I'm gay so I can act evil.

If makes you feel better JK I'd date you sight unseen if you lived  by me.  Your not alone.  I can only hope your dog is a trained German Shepard that will protect you from your ex and attack him on command...

Last edited by Rob (June 16, 2016 7:29 am)

Dear JK,

The spectrum of homosexuality is filled with trauma, I feel sorry that he has not come out of his and is causing you to experience this trauma yourself. His life sounds filled with confusion and chaos. It does not sound like he belongs in a marriage. My wife by her own testimony had  a difficult time relating with people as a social worker. Gay men seemed to entertain her and were naturally attracted to her personality. She says it would have been harder for her to stay in a marriage if I wasn't gay. She doesn't believe in heterosexuality but she is not  a lesbian. She does respect my chastity and fidelity in the agreed terms we have established in a gay marriage that still gives us strength and self esteem.
Your husband took you for granted, and somehow had a tremendous fear of being caught, in a way he is scared of you, and the truth, and in a way he is trying to get even with you for not being someone who you can't possibly be. Being gay is not toxic but somehow your ex can't face his sexuality, he is turning in hysteria hoping there may be a way out of his closet of denial. It maybe he wishes he could come out with you and stay with you, but he has already lied and shown disrespect. I hope that feeling you have that you cannot recover does not last. Do not fear or hate your husband with contempt understand him as the sick person, and decide you can not live with the turmoil he creates. He sounds very much like an addictive personality. Do not blame yourself for having taken up with him. He is running from his responsibility to you. It may be you will have to leave him for your own sanity. If you choose to do this. You will see it is not only about sexuality but also commitment. Your ex was only doing what he was made to believe was the right thing to do for himself. He was wrong to drag you down. Forgive yourself and let him go.

Sincerely,

Robben