Hi Stella, 

Welcome to our group.  It sounds like you had an awful time with your ex.  I'm glad that you are away from him.  This need for you to pinpoint the cause of his behavior is very natural.  I think we can help you feel at ease. 

While every single individual is different and there are no blanket statements, we do see some very common types of behavior from our gay spouses/exs.   Many of the concerns you listed fit into those areas. 

Depression, multiple personality (Jekyl and Hyde) and narcissism are very common for a person who is trying to be something they are not.  They try so hard to hide their sexuality, but mistakes happen and when there are chinks in the armor they tend to react with anger.  Keeping their secret is the most important thing, so if they are using a spouse to appear straight, they will be very controlling of that spouse.    My ex had the Jekyl and Hyde going very frequently.. so that parts rings very true to me. 

Secretism is a very common trait.  They are acting out and indulging in some way.. porn, chat groups, meet-ups, or even having affairs.  To keep that secret they will of course lock up their phone/computer passwords very well.  

Alcohol and substance abuse would be common for someone unhappy with their life.  Living a lie would certainly make it hard for a person to be happy. 

One of the most obvious signs of a gay spouse is the lack of sex.  But this can be tricky.  In the early years they often want sex a lot.  They are excited to just be having sex, even if it isn't with the gender they favor. They also might be trying to "convince themselves" or "learn to be straight".  Somehow a lot of people report that they "tried very hard" to be straight.  My ex told me this..  She said she thought she could be happy and fulfilled because she loved me..  But in the end, you can't change sexual preference.  

Stella, please know that none of what happened was your fault.  That is important to remember. 

Based on your description, with only that info to go by, I would say that your ex is gay.  But again, everyone is unique.  You might never get that admission you are looking for.  You should try to find peace in the knowledge that he was just a crummy husband..  If he verbally or physically abused you and was struggling with substance abuse, then those were more than enough reason to leave.  Good for your for doing that!  

 

While your ex may want to rekindle a relationship with the children now that he has stopped drinking the needs of children also need to be taken into account. You say there was domestic violence and that he attacked you and a daughter. That affects the other children too.

I hope that they and you have been to counseling to address that trauma and that in order to "possibly see his children" they also are ready also for that to happen. He and his counselor may be pushing for contact but they have no way of knowing how your children feel. You did not mention how recent his discharge from the psychiatric unit and cessation of alcohol use are so this may all still be very raw with them.

Stella,

What you've gone through is horrific.  At the end of the day though, what matters is that he was not a good husband - no matter what his sexual orientation.  Calling him straight would not have made him a good husband.  No good husband is abusive.  You had no choice but to get away from him for your own safety, and that of your children.  You were right to do so.  It was absolutely necessary.

I think you're trying to figure out if he was gay because you're trying to get to the bottom of what happened, so you can process it better.  With so many questions, you find it impossible to process this.  And that's understandable.  But know that there IS really no understanding this.  No matter why he did what he did, he did it.  In the end, it was what it was.  You can't undo any of it by finding a reason for it.  Nothing justifies the abuse.  Even if there were an iron-clad "reason" why he abused you, he still abused you.  It literally doesn't matter "why" - there's no reason that's going to be good enough, and nothing can unring that bell.

You say that he's seeing you as just not being forgiving and letting the past go.  This tells me that it's still being discussed with him.  Or that you're still letting him talk at you.  You need to go no-contact with him except where the kids are concerned.  And by that, I mean only necessary communication - "this kid is in the hospital", or "This kid has been suspended from school."  Your kids are not babies - if they want him to know about their lives, they can choose to communicate that to him.  If not, then it's none of his business at this point.  You can contact their school and have all communications sent to his email and mail, so that you don't need to communicate any of that to him.  Step away from being connected to him any more.  It's difficult at first, but it's by FAR worth it for the grief it saves you.  You are divorcing him - do that.  Don't just live apart from him and keep trying to create one life together.  That's marriage.  You don't want that anymore, so you're going to need to adjust to thinking only about what's for your own benefit, and that of your children.

This is going to take a while to process.  It's a grieving process.  It will be sad and confusing and painful.  But that doesn't mean that you need to keep searching for answers.  Just sit with the truth.  You can dig all the way to China and never dig up answers that'll be any good to you, in the end.  Breathe in, accept that you wound up in a shitty situation, and that you were strong enough to get out.  That's all there is to know.  The rest is water under the bridge.

Kel

I know it feels like if he took ownership over what he did, and acknowledged how badly he screwed you all over, you think you might be able to forgive him - making way for some sort of relationship.  But the truth is that forgiveness doesn't mean that you'd you would want a future relationship with them.  I've forgiven my ex for what he's done, and I don't have a relationship with him any longer outside of what I need to for the sake of the kids.  And that's because I don't feel any tug to be friends with the person he is today.  It's not because of what he's done in the past, either.  I suppose I'd still cry if I found out he'd died or was very ill - mostly because I would feel badly for my children, or that anyone would have to endure great pain.  Or maybe something big from our past passing seems like a part of us has passed, too.  But if he should suddenly disappear from the face of the planet, I'd be in no way affected except that my bank account would stop receiving payments every two weeks, and my kids would be upset.  THAT is how little he's involved in my life, and how little interaction I have with him.

Just a few months ago, my ex's boyfriend called me a bitch to my kids.  I couldn't care LESS what the man thinks of ME.  I got mad because you don't get into anyone's face and insult their mother like that - especially a child's face.  It's rude, inappropriate, immature and disrespectful to my children.  It's even further angering that their father didn't stand up for them when this happened.  He looked at it as not being HIM who said these things, so he had no control over it and wasn't going to address it - even though it happened in front of his face.  My kids should never have had to deal with that, and it left my daughter in particular feeling very vulnerable and betrayed.  THAT I minded.  But me being called a name by someone that I don't have a relationship with and who I don't respect all that much?  I think a mosquito could get me more angry on behalf of myself.  That's where you want to get to - to a place where his words don't hurt you, because they don't matter - because HE doesn't have a place in your life as a cherished person.

If he sends you an email whining or begging or whatever, just.ignore.it unless he says things that are threatening.  Don't tell him you're ignoring him.  Just pretend that his words don't even register with you.  Hell, block his emails.  Believe me when I say that if he ever has anything important to tell you about the kids, or about another family member, or about himself being injured or whatever, it's not going to come to you in an email.  He'll make sure to get a hold of you personally if he needs to - even if he has to do it through your kids to pass along the message.  If he's got nothing for you in emails except whining and crying, then don't read the damned emails anymore.  And if he says, "Did you get my email?"  Just say "No - I don't use that account any more."  If he asks for what account you are using, just tell him that you'd rather not share that with him - no need.

He's getting to you because you're allowing him to.  I know it's hard to see it that way, but it's really under your control what you do with the crap he's trying to spoon-feed you.  You're trying to spit it out.  Just stop opening your mouth for it in the first place.

Kel