I am feeling very awkward! Nobody is commenting and is this the wrong place to discuss this, I am very aware that I agreed to his needs and am now freaking out as its not something I wanted or married him knowing this..for..please offer the right place some input..

You begin Lily....simply by putting your thoughts down for us to read. The fact you don't feel anybody is reading/replying may simply be because of the timezone difference.....because there are people here 
from all over the world I often feel the same but realise that when I am up & angsting & needing a listening ear....most on here will be tucked up in bed, or if in another time zone......busy at work

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Last edited by Duped (November 11, 2019 3:28 pm)

Hi Lily,

You are definitely in the right place.  People just take a while to respond sometimes because we might only check here occasionally when we have free time.

I tried the female/male/male threesome thing a handful of times.  I was in an experimental phase in my life, and I knew that I could walk away from not only the experience, but also the people, if it wasn't for me.  In both scenarios, it was two man who were already friends.  It had been billed to me as "TWO men paying attention to me at once".  Well, it didn't feel like that at ALL.  It was two men taking from me at once.  It wasn't for me

Once of the duos was something just very casual.  But the other was something where I was in a relationship with the man - one that I think he wanted to be more serious about than I wanted it to be.  We didn't do the threesome thing right off the bat.  He introduced the idea by saying that he wanted to "try" a cuckold relationship.  I'd never heard of such a thing before.  But he said that he would be locked down and not able to be with anyone else sexually, but I would have complete freedom to be with whomever I wanted.  Well, that sounded intriguing!  But it really held no draw for me.  As far as I was concerned, I was already able to sleep with whomever I wanted.  If I wanted one of us locked down, I wanted both of us locked down.  I told him this.  And he'd let the subject drop.  Only to bring it up again only days later - always pushing the topic.  I eventually gave in.  And as I stated previously, it wasn't for me.  And I told him that.  And he still pushed.  I firmly said "No.  Stop bugging me about it or I'm walking."  He said that it wasn't something he needed - just something he'd wanted to try.  Fine - then it should be no big deal to let it lie, right?  So he left it alone - for like, an entire week or so.  Then it started to come back. And I did walk.  Because at this point, we had been dating for like, 3 months.  If this was such a huge issue now, then we were only at the very beginning of how big he wanted this thing to get.  He begged and begged to have me back in just a "normal" relationship, but I firmly felt that this was all about him, and I had no interest in that.  The man bugged me for months.  He eventually went away when it was clear I was no longer an option for his game.   I came to realize that if I had been with someone I had been truly in love with (and he in love with me back), I would have been furious with him even asking me to attempt to share my body with someone else.

You are in a different situation in that it is your husband.  But you did set boundaries, and he didn't respect them.  That's very selfish.  Boundaries are set so that neither party feels uncomfortable beyond what they are willing to, and to ensure that harm is not caused to the relationship and to the individuals.  He didn't care about that, though.  There WERE no boundaries, as far as he was considered.  A yes to the main question meant that he had carte blanche on the entire situation.  And once he crossed those boundaries and saw that you didn't leave (because he could see that you were hurt and upset, but that wasn't where his line was at - it was only in keeping you), he felt he could keep going on in that vein.  And you didn't leave, which is all that mattered to him.

This is NOT your fault.  YOU were not the individual who wanted this, AND you set boundaries.  And HE disrespected those boundaries - repeatedly.  To the point where he was having an affair and he expected you to tolerate it.  Now tell me - WHO would expect someone to be okay with them having an affair?  Only a very selfish, self-centered person.  It doesn't matter if he says he loves you - love doesn't take from someone to the point of hurting them, and then just expect that it can still be seen as love.  Love by its very nature is self-sacrificing.  You may be nodding your head right now, thinking, "Yes, and I thought I was being self-sacrificing for him."  Marriage by it's very nature only has certain definitions - the first and foremost is monogamy.  It would be one thing if you both agreed to step over that line in a manner that you both felt was controlled enough to not hurt the relationship, and then respected that.  YOU did that - you agreed (albeit reluctantly) to step over that line.  He, however, acted as the though the line were eliminated, and then continued to act that way even after it hurt you, you told him that you were unhappy with his behavior, and it became non monogamous outside the agreed upon lines (by him carrying on the affair).  This is CLEARLY not your fault.  He would like it to be seen as "you gave me permission to step over the line, so it's all your fault."  And you're drinking the Kool-aid.  Just because he wants you to believe that lie doesn't mean you have to.  He's counting on your weakness and trust in him above yourself in order for you to believe that.  Only..... you don't have reason to trust him more than yourself anymore.  He's proven to you that you shouldn't - that he does NOT have your best interest in mind.  He does not deserve your trust.

I can't tell you what you should do at this point.  But I CAN tell you that it needs to start with you not seeing it as your fault.  And that you need to stand up for yourself - because HE isn't going to do that for you.  He's all about what he wants - even at the risk of your destruction.  If you don't watch out for your own needs, then neither of you will be.  You are as important as him, Lily.  Repeat that out loud right now: "I am as important as him."  "My needs and my comfort are as important as his."  "My heart is as important as his."  When you believe that, and stand up for that, you begin to get angry that he does not see you that way.  That he supposedly loves you, and yet you're not as important as him.  It is then that you'll be able to stand firmly behind what it is you want - no matter what you've agreed to or done in the past.

Standing up for yourself won't clear the entire mess up.  And it's not going to make it easy.  But it is the place you need to start at.  You can't and won't get clear on the rest until you can believe that 1) you're as important as him, 2) it's not your fault, 3) you have no commitment to continue letting him do things that you approved in the past, and 4) that he needs to own up to the point that he's not respected your heart.  That's where this all needs to start.

I wish you the best -

Kel

Hello Everyone, Thank you for the time zone reminder! and all your input it has helped. its such a gross situation that I have found myself in, I do believe this will continue to happen in the future and I know I cannot change someone's sexual preference. I guess its just the decision making that is so hard..